For some seriously fucked up reason, there are an inexcusably large number of creepy fast-food mascots. As if mystery meat, morbid obesity, and heart disease aren’t enough to deter the average customer, fast food businesses throw in a creepy mascot to boot. Is selling food to us schmucks so easy that they’re trying to make it a challenge? I can see the fast-food CEOs sitting around a board room lighting cigars with $100 bills and saying, “I bet we can make our mascot even creepier and still sell a butt-load of burgers.”
Ok, on to the top 5 creepiest fast-food mascots.
#5 The Jack-in-the Box Jack Box
There’s something creepy about a man in a business suit with a gigantic ping-pong ball for a head and Schwarzenegger like arms. You’d think a fun loving mascot would be a good idea rather than a businessman with an unwavering gaze that can pierce your soul. And he’s not friendly either, he’s often threatening other fast-food companies, asking if they “have a problem” with him bad mouthing them (see one such example here where Jack threatens Burger King). Kids are probably afraid of being pummeled if they don’t eat some bloody corn-dog bites at Jack-in-the-Box.
Does Jack Box remind anyone else of Jack Frost from the horror movies (pictured below)?
#4 McDonald’s Grimace
It’s clear Grimace came from a different time. A time were obesity was not an issue, because why the hell would you create a mascot who is clearly overweight to sell products that make you overweight? There probably wasn’t a second thought about it back then. What’s worse is that Grimace used to be even creepier: Check out the original, evil 6-armed Grimace in this classic ad.
Grimace is the face you make when your stomach starts to turn. Grimace is your heart, struggling for air. Grimace embodies what the average North American is turning into. Grimace should not be a mascot.
#3 The Quiznos Spongemonkeys
You may or may not remember these guys, but they were hawking subs for Quiznos in 2004 for a few months. The Spongemonkeys were an internet phenomenon at the time (see Spongemonkey video here), and you might say that Quiznos adopting a viral internet phenomenon to sell their product was way ahead of their time (see Quizno’s Spongemonkey ad here). I admit, they’re kind of funny. However, these little furry dudes do not look anything like monkeys. These dudes look like horribly mutated rats. Why would you want to make consumers think of any rats, let alone disfigured rats, when they think of your restaurant? Rats and restaurants are a bad combination. I can’t even begin to imagine how this idea got approved. Short-lived or not, this was a terrible, creepy idea. Take a second to watch the video, it may not be a good way to sell food, but it’s still funny in a WTF-was-that kind of way.
#2 Burger King’s The King
I bet a lot of you had The King at #1, but the reason he’s not #1 on this list is because Burger King recognized how creepy he is and have made light of it in their ads (there are many ads, but here is one). Because of that, he’s a little less creepy and a lot more funny. I’d say he’s my favorite of all fast-food mascots, but make no mistake, he’s still creepy enough to land in the 2 spot. A king with a gigantic, always smiling, plastic head who follows consumers around forcing burgers on them. Sure, that’s not creepy at all. Long live The King.
#1 McDonald’s Ronald McDonald
You knew Ronald would land somewhere on this list and I’ve got him at #1. Clowns are inherently creepy. I don’t know any adults who like clowns and I’ve seen clowns make a lot of children cry, and yet, Ronald persists. People don’t eat McDonald’s because of Ronald McDonald, they eat McDonald’s despite Ronald McDonald. McDonald’s probably keeps the clown around as a message to other fast-food companies: you think we’re outselling you now, just imagine if we got rid of the life-size nightmarish clown cutouts at each location.
As bad as the current Ronald is, the first Ronald McDonald was actually far creepier. Look at him:
How did he survive after this appearance? He has a cup for a nose and a table attached to his torso. What kind of acid induced creation is this? (Check out the first TV appearance of Ronald here).
Domino’s The Noid
The Noid made hot pizza cold. In order to avoid the Noid, you’d eat Domino’s Pizza. The Noid is a tiny little man in a costume with … bunny ears? He even has bunny teeth. Is he half-man, half-bunny? Why does he hate warm pizza. What an asshole The Noid is. Thankfully, Adam west killed him and the world is a better place for it (see The Noid’s death here, warning it’s graphic).
Subway’s Jared Fogle
I admit, being one of the first fast-food companies to market a healthy lifestyle was smart, but I got tired of seeing Jared’s big-boy pants on a daily basis. I get it, Jared ate healthy and exercised and lost weight. Good for him. Now please, for the love of all that is good, stop showing me his fat pants.
The Tim Horton’s Timbit
For those who don’t know, Tim Horton’s is a ridiculously successful Canadian coffee and donut chain. A Timbit is equivalent to a donut-hole. Why is this mascot creepy? Well, the Tim Horton’s Timbit is essentially a set of testicles with feet. Yum!
A huge headed, tiny little man who steals hamburgers. Quite a role model for the kids.
Mister Softee is an ice-cream truck chain and their mascot is a man with an ice-cream cone for a head. Besides having the same nickname as your Dad in high school, Mister Softee is giving kids the idea that every time they eat an ice-cream cone, they are eating this dude’s head.
McDonald’s Mayor McCheese
Another edible headed mascot and this one has somehow managed to find his way into politics. Americans vote the weirdest people into office, don’t they? Another trend you may have noticed is that McDonald’s pumps out a shit-ton of creepy mascots.
Did I miss anyone? Who do you think is the creepiest fast-food mascot?