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With all the great weather sweeping through Toronto I thought I’d take advantage of it and go for a little run. So, with my running gear on (yes, those ridiculous outfits that make one look like a gay ninja) and my Mp3 player looping Eye of the Tiger over and over again, I set out to exhaust myself for no particular reason except maybe to get some use out of my gay ninja outfit (my straight ninja outfit is in the wash). Midway through my run I was stopped by an older lady waiting for the bus. She asked me for $5 because she had laryngitis. $5 for a temporary affliction? Sure, I’ll throw in a foot rub too. Bullshit. If you’re going to panhandle, do it right. This is the guide to panhandling excellence.

#1. Find a high traffic area. This increases your odds of having more people drop change in your cup, and more money is (DUH!) the goal of panhandling. Do people still say “DUH”? They did at one time though, right?

#2. If you’re going to ask for money, don’t ask for spare change. Ask for a reasonable, specific amount. Studies have shown that asking for say, 37 cents, is much more effective than asking for spare change.  Think about past situations where someone asked for a quarter, or 50 cents. I’m much more likely to help someone reach a specific goal even if I don’t exactly know what reaching that goal means to them. By the way, I’m short 78 cents for a mini bag of Zesty Doritos. Can someone do me a kindness and make a brutha’s flavored tortilla chip dream come true?

#3. Hand written signs can help if they’re witty, funny or mind blowing. If a sign makes me laugh, I’ll throw some coin in your cup. I was provided with a service, for that you should be compensated.  Some people like to mention God on their sign in some way, but you might alienate Atheists. Your choice. I once saw a sign that said, “Happiness: Only 25 cents.” I thought, what if by some bizarre cosmic magic, this was my one chance to guarantee eternal happiness? I’d be stupid to pass it up.

#4. Get a dog. I’m much more likely to give money to someone with a dog because for some reason, I’m more concerned the dog will go hungry than the homeless person. Maybe that’s because the dog doesn’t have a heroin addiction…I could be wrong, maybe Fido does love the smack.

#5. Work for it. In a big city begging is a competitive business. Hobos need something that makes people want to give them change over the other down on his luck guy sitting on the next corner. Some hold open doors, some offer free newspapers. These two are overdone and not really impressive in any way. I once saw a guy playing an upside down paint bucket like a drum. There was absolutely no rhythm and I’m not sure the man was fully conscious, but he was trying and I respected that. There’s also a girl in Kensington Market who sings Sinead O’Connor songs into a carrot. The laughter and memories she provided were well worth the $2 I gave her.

#6. High pressure sales tactics might work sometimes, but overall they’re not a good idea. You might make people take a different route to work and make your high traffic area a low traffic area. I once had a homeless guy follow me for nearly a block asking for money and being a jerk about it. Why would I want to contribute to this guy living any longer? I don’t have spare change, but I have a spare ‘knee to the groin’ if you keep asking, pal.

#7.Be sick or act sick. If you appear to be sick, people will give you money. Just ask the shaky lady in Toronto! (click here to read about her). This isn’t the most honest way to make money, it’s more for the homeless lawyers and marketing execs.

#8. Be young. Okay, you can’t make someone younger, but I’ve always been more likely to give money to younger homeless people because I’m hoping there’s still a chance for a better life for them. The 78 year old homeless woman isn’t going to turn her life around on my 12 cents.

#9. Stand out and be creative. If you stand out, people will consider you a friend and want to be a repeat contributor. I once made friends with a homeless girl near my work. She and her boyfriend were living in hostels and trying to make ends meet. She was very talkative and inspiring and would show me some of her artwork that she drew in her journal. I’d sit with her sometimes and we’d chew the fat and I even panhandled on her behalf on one occasion (I didn’t make a penny). On the average day, she claimed to make upwards of $10 an hour.  What set her apart? She was young (see #8), kind, but most importantly, she wasn’t asking for change, but handing out resumes (she got change anyway). After a few weeks, she wasn’t there anymore. I hope she and her boyfriend are doing well and aren’t sitting with Fido doing smack.

#10. Give us something to relate to. The panhandler I respected most was a man who sat on the corner of Front and John in Toronto maybe ten years ago. He would read a book while sitting on a milk crate and have a cup out for change. No sales pressure, no begging. Donate if you want, if not, that’s cool too. People loved him, brought him coffee, cigarettes, books and of course, spare change! Did reading a book make him more identifiable? Seem more intelligent?  I don’t know, but it worked.

#11. Say thank you because people don’t owe you anything. So when a passerby gives you something, even a penny, say thanks. Most people are giving away their money to feel better about themselves and the thanks they get in return goes a long way in promoting repeat business. Yes, panhandling is a business. Not the most lucrative business, but for someone with a limited skill set, it can help in buying that next meal (or bottle of malt liquor).

I know having this guide on the internet isn’t very helpful for currently homeless people, but with today’s economy, one of us could be homeless any day now. So maybe you should print this out and keep it with you at all times.

My questions to you are: who are you most likely to give money to and why? Do you have a story about a beggar you’d like to share?

Tags: begging, Etiquette, panhandling, shaky lady, spare change, toronto

After team Canada beat the bratwurst out of Germany in the qualification round, I knew the Canadian Olympic hockey team had a tough road ahead.  The mighty Russians, who we were supposed to meet in the finals, were instead met in the quarters. One of the two titans would be going home without a medal. This was supposed to be a game for the ages. I knew hockey of this caliber only comes around every 4 years and if the NHL doesn’t commit to the next Olympics, it might never be back again.  So I started sending some text messages and spreading the word prior to each game that regardless of who joins me, I’m hitting up bars for the remaining 3 games.  Not surprisingly, a large contingent of fans wearing (and bleeding) red and white jumped on board.

After the Canadians sent the Russians back home to cry over a few bottles of delicious premium vodka, a correlation became clear: this was the first time my beard and I had supported the team in public. I didn’t have a beard in Canada’s gold medal winning 2002, or the disappointing 2006 Olympics. The 2002 team had Mario Lemieux, the 2006 team didn’t. A reasonable conclusion was that my beard was replacing the leadership not present in the absence of Mario Lemieux. It only makes sense. There was too much evidence supporting the beard theory. I knew Team Canada and my beard’s fate were entwined.


So Russia was done, but I knew the Russian team had been overrated, it was the fast Americans with stellar goaltending, who were the real challenge and I wasn’t sure my beard and I were ready for them. So from that point forward I pleaded with my face, “Please beard, grow…Before it’s too late. Canada needs this. The Olympics needs this. The planet needs this.”

When Team USA beat Team Canada a week prior to the gold medal game, Team Canada’s defense, like my beard, had holes in it. From that day forward I committed to growing my beard 24 hours a day. Even in my sleep I urged the hairs to be thicker and stronger. A couple days after beating the Russians, we took out Slovakia. The stage was set for a rematch between the USA and my beard and Team Canada.

As my beard grew, so too did Team Canada’s chemistry. The weak spots in my beard disappeared, just as the weak spots in Canada’s game disappeared. Coincidence?  On the day of the gold medal game, my beard claimed there’s no such thing. Did team Canada’s grit wear down the opposing team’s defenses or was it my grizzly beard? Did Sidney Crosby score the OT goal or did my beard? You won’t read about this on ESPN.com or TSN.ca, because the media wants to tell you a different, fabricated story. Shhhh…We know the truth, but my beard will let Sid take the credit, because it’s better for Canadian hockey.

With the Olympics over, the Canadian hockey team adorned in gold, my beard’s work was done, and thus, was retired. My baby face restored. But underneath that baby face a new beard lies, hibernating, waiting to carry the hopes of Canadians on its hairy shoulders for the 2014 Olympics. Thanks be to beard. Amen.

Tags: 2010, canada, gold, hockey, olympics, Sidney Crosby, USA, vancouver

Commandeered the beard. Rewind two-years ago. After conquering Europe with a pack strapped to my back I realized I accomplished something more amazing than I ever thought I would or could.  Climbing the steps of the Eiffel Tower? Seeing the Sistine Chapel? Touching the remnants of the Berlin wall? No, no, and no. This was something much greater. A friend and I made a pact not to shave for the duration of the trip. A pact that made us men. Real men. The result, for me, was one incredibly patchy, yet beautiful beard. My friend and I? Well, our friendship, like our beards, grew by leaps and bounds by sharing in one of men’s greatest and oldest traditions. The growing of beards.

Jeered the beard. Insulting a beard is like insulting a man’s penis size. It challenges their manhood. With this in mind, some never attempt to grow a beard in fear his manhood will be challenged.

Feared the beard. Fear of failure and inadequacy can make our decisions for us.  Fear of not being able to grow an adequate beard is no different. But we never know unless we try. This is a fear we must overcome to reach our manliness potential.

Appeared the beard. Fast forward to one month ago, when I put down my razor and decided it was time to climb that hairy mountain again (no, I’m not talking about dating your mom). It was time to grow a beard. This time, I was going solo. I needed to learn more about myself and go through the trials and tribulations of beardness on my own. Over the course of this month long journey I’ve realized that unless you’re on a deserted island, you never go through the beard growing process on your own.

Cheered the beard. People  everywhere have been supporting and sponsoring my beard through its weakest stages. Morning meetings at work unexpectedly turned into a forum for the discussion of beards. Men shared their beard experiences with me over a cold beer and hot wings. Together we analyzed the strong and weak points of my beard and where it has been filling in nicely. Whenever I contemplated shaving, someone would tell me how beautifully it was coming along. If I could knit a sweater from my beard to thank everyone who helped me, I would.

Revered the beard. On the streets, and out in the city, I’ve been appreciating the beards of others. Hoping one day my beard could be as strong as theirs.

Persevered the beard. So please join me in wishing my beard a happy 1-month beard-day, and wishing my beard and I a happy beard-iversary.

Sheared the beard? Where this relationship will end I don’t know and like any good fling, sometimes it’s best not to ask. When the time comes, I’ll know. We’ll know (my beard and me). But in the meantime, I know we won’t be alone. We’ll have each other.

Premiered the beard. I have no pictures of my beard today, but I’ll get some. Maybe we can compare it to my Europe beard and see if this one is better. Maybe that’s not fair to this beard though. Either way, it looks like my beard and I will be busy together all weekend.

Pioneered the beard. Did you ever wonder why wise men usually have beards? Grow a beard and you’ll find out. Did you ever wonder why people who have their heart broken, lose their jobs, or are homeless grow beards? It’s because when you have a beard you’re never alone. Never. You always have a friend giving you a big warm, fuzzy hug.

From my beard and I to you, happy Friday.

Tags: beard, dos equis, manhood

I’ve heard a lot of criticism of this year’s Olympic games and can’t deny there have been issues. Being a Canadian, I’ve been quick to defend my country, but more recently I’ve decided to take a more objective look at the games. Here are some facts.

The death of the Georgian luger before opening ceremonies was tragic. Let’s leave the fact at that and any questions about the track’s speed and the Georgian’s inexperience to the experts. We may never know.

The hydraulics failure during the opening ceremonies was embarrassing. Despite what many thought was a moving ceremony, the focus seemed to be on the hydraulics failure that left one arm of the Olympic cauldron stuck in the ground.

There’s an ugly chain link fence surrounding the Olympic cauldron. Spectators would like to get closer for better pictures.

Bad weather has caused delays, cancellations, and dangerous conditions on some courses throughout the Olympics. Many are criticizing the IOC for picking a city with such mild winters.

Biathlon officials and organizers made several mistakes. They held some athletes too long and released some too early at the events starting line.

Now, before we start defending the games or dubbing them the worst ever, let’s take a quick look at some other Olympic disasters and see how they match up against Vancouver.

1972 Munich Summer Olympics - The Munich Massacre.  “Five Arab terrorists wearing track suits climbed the six and 1/2 foot fence surrounding the Olympic Village in Munich, Germany. Once inside, they were met by three others who had gained entrance with credentials. Within 24 hours, 11 Israelis, five terrorists, and a German policeman were dead” (Source). This is a brief synopsis. Please check out articles for more details.

1976 Montreal Summer Olympics -  “The Olympics were a financial disaster for Montreal, as the city faced debts for 30 years after the Games had finished. The Quebec provincial government took over construction when it became evident in 1975 that work had fallen far behind schedule; work was still under way just weeks before the opening date, and the tower was not built. Mayor Jean Drapeau had confidently predicted in 1970 that “the Olympics can no more have a deficit than a man can have a baby”, but the debt racked up to a billion dollars that the Quebec government mandated the city pay in full” (Source). On top of that, Canada, the host country, finished with five silver and six bronze medals. This was the first time that the host country of the Summer Games won no gold medals. At the time of writing this, Canada has 2 gold medals.

1976 Denver Winter Olympics – Didn’t know Denver hosted the Olympics? That’s because they didn’t. The games were originally awarded to Denver in May 1970, but a 300 percent rise in costs and worries about environmental impact led to Colorado voters’ rejection in November 7, 1972, by a 3 to 2 margin, of a $5 million bond issue to finance the games with public funds. The Olympics ended up being in Innsbruck, Austria.

1980 Moscow Summer Olympics – 65 Countries and regions took part in the US led boycott of the 1980 Olympic Games. With half the world not present, it hardly seems like an Olympics worth caring about.  For more info on the boycott click here.

1984 Los Angeles Summer Olympics - “McDonald’s ran a promotion entitled “When the U.S. Wins, You Win” where customers scratched off a ticket and if the U.S. won that event then they would be given a free menu item: a Big Mac for a gold medal, an order of french fries for a silver medal, and a Coca-Cola for a bronze medal. The promotion became a near financial disaster due to the Soviet boycott which led to the U.S. winning far more Olympic medals than expected. This promotion was parodied in the The Simpsons episode where Krusty Burger runs a similar offer” (Source). This boycott was significantly smaller than the 1980 boycott, but it certainly eliminated some stiff competition for the US.

1996 Atlanta Summer Olympics – “The Atlanta Olympics were marred by the Centennial Olympic Park bombing on July 27. This bombing killed spectator Alice Hawthorne and wounded 111 others, and caused the death of Melih Uzunyol by heart attack.”

“A report prepared by European Olympic officials was critical of Atlanta’s performance in several key issues, including the level of crowding in the Olympic Village, the quality of available food, the accessibility and convenience of transportation, and the Games’ general atmosphere of commercialism. The opening ceremony, featuring 500 cheerleaders and 30 pickup trucks, was also “garish” by some observers and considered questionable in taste by many foreign visitors” (Source).

These are some of the Olympics tragedies and mishaps I’ve come across during my research. I’ve also noticed that small issues tend to be forgotten, but the large ones remain. It seems every snag during the Olympics raises the question, “Is this the worst Olympics ever?” Personally, I’m enjoying every minute of it and think people should stop being so pessimistic, but I thought I’d see what everyone else thought.

If you’re having trouble voting, just post your vote in the comments section and I’ll add it manually.

Tags: 2010, denver, los angeles, montreal, moscow, munich, olympics, vancouver

I’m not trying to start some sort of machismo debate, but when costume selection becomes a large part of competition, most men start losing interest. I do believe figure skating is a valid sport and that the athletes are very talented, but I wish the sport was more about the technical aspects than the outfits and dance elements. I propose they do away with the sparkly outfits and replace them with streamlined outfits like those worn by bobsledders or speed skaters. This is an Olympic event, not a fashion show.

Imagine introducing a man to figure skating for the first time in his life, during the 2010 Olympics.

HER: “Come on, honey, give it a chance. The athleticism is incredible. They can spin around multiple times in mid-air.  I think you’ll like it!”

HIM: “Well okay, but there better be a BJ involved if I don’t like it.”

HER: “I sat and watched Nascar with you last weekend. Cars, driving around in circles for hours on end. Then we watched WWE wrestling.  I think you owe me.”

HIM: “That’s true. Nascar and WWE wrestling are fairly ridiculous. Okay, okay. I’ll give figure skating a chance.”

When you turn on the TV he sees this:

Most horror movies aren’t this terrifying. There should have been a warning to small children and those with coulrophobia (an exaggerated fear of clowns).

What are your thoughts on figure skating? Do you like it? Hate it? Do you think replacing the outfits with a more standard outfit might make this sport more man-friendly or is this destined to always be a primarily female viewed event?

Tags: 2010, Aliona Savchenko, figure skating, german, olympics, Robin Szolkowy, Stanislav Morozov, Tatiana Volosozhar, ukraine, vancouver

A recent study found those with high levels of boredom were 37% more likely to be dead at the end of the study period compared to those who weren’t bored, and women reported being bored twice as often as men (source: click here -> as reported by Sxephil).

Without going into study specifics and over analyzing the methods used in the study, let’s focus on the above mentioned findings and how they could be interpreted. That’s right, we’re not here to talk about scientific studies, but merely to over generalize the results.

CC’s Top 5 reasons men aren’t as bored as women (in no particular order).

Men are more likely to…
1. Watch sports. Hockey, football, baseball, basketball and on a slow day, I’ll watch some darts if only for the commentary. In British accent, “One hundred and eighty! Amazing!”

2. Play videogames. When sports aren’t on, or if men don’t like sports, they’ll play videogames. How can you be bored when you’re continually shooting people in the face?

3. Watch porn. I hear, through the grapevine, this one is true.

4. Masturbate. This is related to #3, but can also be exclusive. I mean, maybe someone left a Sears catalog lying around…

5. Drink lots of alcohol This one is definitely arguable, but I think in general, girls are too smart to drink as much as most men.  Believe me, I’ve met some women who can drink men under the table, and to them I send cyber high fives (aka cy-5s).

Some of CCs female readers might argue they do some or all of the above rather frequently, and I raise a glass to them, but I’m speaking in generalities and open to comments and suggestions from anyone who has something else to throw in the top 5. This list is not set in stone nor exhaustive by any means.

Top 5 reasons people die because they’re bored.

1. There was nothing else to do. Ceasing to live is so much easier than finding something else to do.

2. The cable/internet was down. Life is pretty dull without reruns  of Caroline in the City.

3. E.D. Made #3 and #4 in the above list useless.

4. Read CorruptCamel.com regularly. *Yawn* if life has come down to reading this blog maybe it’s not worth living.

5. Wanted to be a zombie. Bored, nothing to do. It’s worth a shot. May as well join the zombie apocalypse’s winning team.

So in conclusion videgames, porn, masturbation and beer (in moderation) save lives. Was there ever a doubt?

Tags: bored, ED, masturbate, porn, videogames

There’s no denying Megan Fox is a fine looking woman, but there are some things you cannot ignore. Megan Fox’s thumb is one of them. Set a barf bucket up nearby before you scroll down. If you’re a man or a woman who loves women, and you haven’t seen this, I apologize in advance.

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Megan’s vomit inducing clubbed thumb is caused by a rare hereditary condition called brachydactyly, which sounds like some sort of awesome dinosaur (brachiosaurus mixed with a pterodactyl?), but, in fact, is actually the reason her last last 10 boyfriends now have an aversion to hand-jobs.

There are rumors she used a thumb double in the Motorola ad that features the hot dog thumbed actress in a bath tub with her Motorola phone (you can see the ad here).  Of course they used a thumb double, do you think any company wants to be associated with Megan Fox’s toe thumb?

Seeing her thumb reminds me of the episode of Seinfeld where Jerry dated the woman with man hands. As much as Jerry wanted to ignore the big powerful hands, he couldn’t (if you’ve never heard of or seen man hands, do yourself a favor and click here).

This leads us to Corrupt Camel’s first poll (if you’re concerned, all results are anonymous):


If you’re having trouble voting, just post your vote in the comments section and I’ll add it manually. It’s the first time I’ve used this plug-in.

Tags: brachydactyly, club thumb, man hands, megan fox, motorola, seinfeld, superbowl

In order to make sure I’m able to produce more content on a regular basis I’ve decided to create some themed days to stick between those days that I actually have something written and ready to go. This way, something will be posted almost everyday. You might have heard of such things referred to as “filler”. I won’t use the word “filler”, but you can use whatever words you like (go ahead, try it. See? Told ya).

The Hump Day Humdinger will be a post with something so funny you’re *guaranteed to dance like old people at weddings when The Twist comes on. It will consist of something I didn’t create, but I found funny enough to post, AND because I didn’t create it the odds of it being funny are even greater! Yes, someone else’s funny > my funny. You’re probably smiling and nodding right now. Screw you. I was joking.

If you have anything to submit, feel free to Tweet Me at @CorruptCamel.

Anyway, without further ado, here’s a Jeopardy clip that’s funnier than Moses on rollerskates.

*not a guarantee

Tags: Alex Trebek, Hump Day Humdinger, jeopardy

It’s an age-old dispute that has lead to more breakups and divorces than cheating and erectile dysfunction combined. The minuscule fight that starts with toilet seats and ends with his inability to empathize with her pain. It’s the territorial battle by two animals fighting for supremacy over the place where they piss. Okay, you get it. Let’s move on.

THE GIRL’S ARGUMENTS:
#1 – In the middle of the night, if not paying attention, she might fall in the toilet if the seat is up.

#2 – The toilet looks nicer when the seat is down.

#3 – How hard is it to put a seat down, really?

THE GUY’S ARGUMENTS:
#1 – A rule of thumb, look where you’re sitting in any situation. If it’s dark, turn on the lights. Guys need to sit sometimes too and you don’t see them falling in. Also, guys aren’t asking girls to put the seat UP because the guy might pee all over the seat (the very seat girls sit on!). I can’t stress this enough, check beforehand. It’s common sense.

#2 – Nobody cares how the toilet looks except for you.

#3 – It IS easy to put the seat down, so do it yourself.

MY ADVICE TO GIRLS - Don’t give men the above arguments. They’re stupid reasons and easily overturned. Both men’s and women’s arguments are based on their own preference. Both parties are being selfish. Women, guys will get defensive especially if they feel attacked. Instead, try saying, “I’d appreciate if you could put the seat down. I know it’s silly, but could you just do it for me?”

MY ADVICE TO GUYS – Why are you arguing over this? Just put the seat down.  If you’ve learned anything in relationships, it’s as long as the lady is happy, you’re happy too. Also known as, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Don’t provide fuel for the flames. How many fights have you had that you deemed unnecessary? Put the seat down and you have one less. I have been putting seats down for many, many, many years and have never had to have this argument with a girlfriend (however, I will argue with other people’s girlfriends just to point out that their argument, unlike a toilet, holds no water).

THE ARGUMENT PROVIDED BY  SCIENCE - Ladies, are your men still being stubborn assholes? Here’s a real argument for you that might change his preference of seat up to seat down. Flushing the toilet with the lid up releases far more poop and peep particles into the air than flushing with the lid down. These particles land on your hand towels, face towels, shower towels and, worst of all, your toothbrush. Yum!

**EDIT** – MythBusters actually had some interesting results testing the amount of fecal coliform on toothbrushes, but they only tested this while flushing with the lid up and there were confound variables to consider. It’s hard to know what to take from their tests, except that yes, there is a tiny bit of poo on your toothbrush, but there may be a tiny bit of poo everywhere and it’s not something you need to worry about. You can find that episode of MythBusters here [9:50 running time] (hat tip to The Rabid Iguana). ***

Remember to be patient. If a man has been leaving the seat up for 20 years it’s going to a take a while to get used to putting it down. Here’s hoping this blog post saves some women from cannon-balling into the john at 4am.

Did I miss any arguments? I’d be happy to add and address anything I missed. Do you agree or disagree with my reasoning?

Tags: debate, toilet seat

So a while back you might recall me talking about overhearing my neighbors bumpin’ uglies through the paper thin wall of my apartment. This wall that we share is what divides their bedroom and my bedroom (if you didn’t read about that, you can find it here). Well, this has continued for a while and if I ever run into them in the hallway it’s going to be rather awkward. I feel like I know them a little better than I should, but that’s no surprise when I have the audio version of the two of them “banging” playing at various times throughout the day. It’s the disgusting soundtrack to my life.

Anyway, you know all this. I’m here to provide you with some new info.

Perhaps my neighbors were under the impression I’d grown tired of their mixed bag of pleasure sounds, because, as it turns out, they’ve added a new audible to their sexual repertoire: slapping.  I assume one is slapping the other’s backside or they’re constantly congratulating each other with mid-sex high fives.

“Nice move, babe. Way to incorporate the ear! Up top!” *SLAP*

Who’s doing the slapping? Is it to the pleasure of the slapper or the slappee? Or both? Are these the kind of questions I want running through my mind before I fall asleep? Nope.

But like I said before, good on them. Besides, if one of them has a blog it probably says the exact same thing about the neighbors they share a bedroom wall with (how funny would that be?). Maybe it’s time to invite them over for dinner and a few bottles of wine. We could remove the borders provided by the paper thin wall and live as one (slap) happy family creating a fuller, richer, orchestral sound for everyone else living on our floor…Or maybe I’ll just turn the fan on a higher setting.

Have a great weekend.

Tags: loud, sex, slap, thin, walls