9 Rules for Nose Picking

Get off your high horse, you’ve picked your nose before. Look in the mirror, you’re picking your nose right now! Some will tell you never to pick your nose, but that’s like telling you never to breathe. People fought hard for the freedom to pick your nose. Never forget that. Nose picking is part of the constitution.

Before you haphazardly jam your finger up your nose again, here are some ground rules.

1. There IS shame in picking your nose. This is the golden rule. You don’t wipe your ass in public and you shouldn’t pick your nose in public either. Fingering any of your orifices is best done behind closed doors.

2. Puddle jumping is not recommended. Simple rule of thumb (or finger): if it’s wet blow it. If it’s dry, you’re good to go.  Realistically, if you have tissue nearby, always use it first. Picking should be used as a last resort to dislodge that beautiful mother lode.

3. Wash your hands after picking. Don’t be picking noses and shaking hands, boogies are full of germs. If you disagree with this rule let me know in advance so I know never to share popcorn with you.

4. If your nose is bleeding you’re picking too much. When picking your nose becomes an obsessions, it’s called rhinotillexomania. Yes,  rhinotillexomania contains the words “rhino” and “mania”, but that doesn’t make it cool.

5. It isn’t hard to dispose of the green shard. The pick-n-flick is a favorite of many, but can come back to haunt you down the road when someone notices the lime stain on your white wall. And before you ask, no, painting your walls green is not a valid solution. Also, smearing your boogs on the bottom of desks and couches is disgusting.

6. Being in a car does not make you invisible, everyone can see you mining for green gold through the window. I’m not sure how people got the impression that what happens in your car stays in you car. I can see you picking, and I’m going to wave at you and mime your picking just to let you know.

7. Picking with a tissue is a cleaner method of picking, but still not clean enough that you should do it at the dinner table. Never pick or even blow at the dinner table. That’s funny, I don’t remember asking for mint jelly with my lamb.

8. Don’t stick anything up your nose besides your finger. Fingers weren’t made for picking things up, they were specially made for picking your nose. You might be tempted to use a chopstick, butter knife or corkscrew, but unless you want a third nostril or are trying to scratch an itch on your brain, our resident nose picking expert, @Douchefuck, strongly advises against it.

9. Classic rule, but always a good one: You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose

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