How to Prepare and Cook a Human

Oh man, I can’t believe you want to do this! I mean, if your plane crashed in the Andes and you were starving to death and needed to eat the other dead passengers to survive that would be one thing, but if you’re here, you clearly have internet access so I doubt there’s any real emergency. Are you just a little hungry? Because, you know, there are food establishments everywhere these days.

You know what, I’m writing this, your reasons for being here are your own, so I’m going to get off your case, but seriously man, yuck.

Ok, here goes.

5 Steps to Prepare and Cook a Human

#1. Make sure the human meat is fresh. You don’t want to get sick. Keep the body on ice or if you have a large freezer, that will work well too. I’m not going to ask where or how you got the fresh human meat, but you might want to take that up with God, you sicko.

#2. Bleed the human by cutting various veins and arteries in the neck. Do this over a large tub as not to make a mess. Blood stains can be pretty hard to get out, but seeing as how you’re seriously deranged, I’m guessing you know that.

#3. Remove extremities. When we buy a rack of lamb at the grocery store, the butcher doesn’t keep the rotting skull attached to it, because that shit is mondo gross, right? If we can’t see the head, the feet or the hands, we can disconnect ourselves from what we’re actually eating. You don’t want to look up halfway through your meal and think, oh right, I’m eating Todd.

TIP: No face, no fuss.

#3. Gut him/her. Most of the guts you probably won’t want to eat, but feel free to put aside those organs that you do want to consume. That’s just a tip for all you liver and onions lovers. Really though, if you can seriously follow these instructions and not feel the least bit queasy, you should be disgusted with your obvious lack of morals and ethics, but on the other hand, be very impressed with your cast iron stomach. Kudos.

TIP: No guts, no gory.

#4. Identify and separate your cuts of meat. To do this, think of regular types of meat, like chicken or beef. The legs are drumsticks, the arms are the wings, the breasts are the breasts. Ribs are ribs, rump is rump. The cuts of meat are right in the name. Neato. The cops are going to find you and put you away for a long time. You know that, right?

TIP: Use this handy chart from Peta to identify your dinner:

I don’t think making it sexy to consume human meat was Peta’s ultimate goal with this, but it kind of does.

#5. Cook the meat. Depending on how large or small of a man Todd was, cooking time will vary. We recommend using a large BBQ or a roasting box to cook the meat, but if it fits, the oven works well too. Season as you would with other types of meat, you know, the easily accessibly legal types of meat available from your local grocer.

#5. Invite your friends over and enjoy. With most barbecued meat, a beer or glass of red wine makes the perfect companion. Just don’t be surprised if your friends run screaming from your backyard.

TIP: Don’t invite your Mom to this BBQ, she probably wouldn’t approve and as a result, may embarrass you in front of your friends.

Common Questions From Your Guests:

  • What kind of meat is this?
  • Are you kidding?
  • No, seriously?
  • How do you sleep at night?
  • How do you look at yourself in the mirror?
  • Are you crazy?
  • What would your mother say about this?
  • Can I get the recipe?
  • Have you seen Todd lately?

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