How to Prepare and Cook a Human

Oh man, I can’t believe you want to do this! I mean, if your plane crashed in the Andes and you were starving to death and needed to eat the other dead passengers to survive that would be one thing, but if you’re here, you clearly have internet access so I doubt there’s any real emergency. Are you just a little hungry? Because, you know, there are food establishments everywhere these days.

You know what, I’m writing this, your reasons for being here are your own, so I’m going to get off your case, but seriously man, yuck.

Ok, here goes.

5 Steps to Prepare and Cook a Human

#1. Make sure the human meat is fresh. You don’t want to get sick. Keep the body on ice or if you have a large freezer, that will work well too. I’m not going to ask where or how you got the fresh human meat, but you might want to take that up with God, you sicko.

#2. Bleed the human by cutting various veins and arteries in the neck. Do this over a large tub as not to make a mess. Blood stains can be pretty hard to get out, but seeing as how you’re seriously deranged, I’m guessing you know that.

#3. Remove extremities. When we buy a rack of lamb at the grocery store, the butcher doesn’t keep the rotting skull attached to it, because that shit is mondo gross, right? If we can’t see the head, the feet or the hands, we can disconnect ourselves from what we’re actually eating. You don’t want to look up halfway through your meal and think, oh right, I’m eating Todd.

TIP: No face, no fuss.

#3. Gut him/her. Most of the guts you probably won’t want to eat, but feel free to put aside those organs that you do want to consume. That’s just a tip for all you liver and onions lovers. Really though, if you can seriously follow these instructions and not feel the least bit queasy, you should be disgusted with your obvious lack of morals and ethics, but on the other hand, be very impressed with your cast iron stomach. Kudos.

TIP: No guts, no gory.

#4. Identify and separate your cuts of meat. To do this, think of regular types of meat, like chicken or beef. The legs are drumsticks, the arms are the wings, the breasts are the breasts. Ribs are ribs, rump is rump. The cuts of meat are right in the name. Neato. The cops are going to find you and put you away for a long time. You know that, right?

TIP: Use this handy chart from Peta to identify your dinner:

I don’t think making it sexy to consume human meat was Peta’s ultimate goal with this, but it kind of does.

#5. Cook the meat. Depending on how large or small of a man Todd was, cooking time will vary. We recommend using a large BBQ or a roasting box to cook the meat, but if it fits, the oven works well too. Season as you would with other types of meat, you know, the easily accessibly legal types of meat available from your local grocer.

#5. Invite your friends over and enjoy. With most barbecued meat, a beer or glass of red wine makes the perfect companion. Just don’t be surprised if your friends run screaming from your backyard.

TIP: Don’t invite your Mom to this BBQ, she probably wouldn’t approve and as a result, may embarrass you in front of your friends.

Common Questions From Your Guests:

  • What kind of meat is this?
  • Are you kidding?
  • No, seriously?
  • How do you sleep at night?
  • How do you look at yourself in the mirror?
  • Are you crazy?
  • What would your mother say about this?
  • Can I get the recipe?
  • Have you seen Todd lately?
  • I remember one time having a hot toddy and there were chunks in it, and it tasted like a clerk from best buy. Now that I’m reading this it was probably because my friend had cut up this guy, todd, from best buy. I can’t believe I’m just now getting his joke.

    Oh wait and I also had rack of susan one time and everyone but me was crying. I bet that was susan.

    • haha, I always said Susan had a nice rack.

  • oh yeah and i like the idea of a how-to that’s angry with you … i may have to steal this

  • Derek
  • Tbones7874

    Why would you write this? If anyone is sick it’s you

    •  I have been feeling a bit under the weather lately, thanks for you concern.

    • I have been feeling a bit under the weather lately, thanks for your concern.

  • dalek1099dw

    what about cooking the human alive?

  • Con Carne

    Most of the meat on a average human is really not that good in taste without stewing or proper seasoning. Rosemary, lemon, peppers, garlic, the works! A few areas areas are suitable for kabob, again, marinade is a must. Kind of like dealing with lamb or venison in this way. The meat is high in iron as well, so bleeding of a calm and docile subject in my mind is crucial! A small young subject is most likely the easiest way to develop a taste for dishes calling for human meat. Despite what you see on tv, BBQ on open flame is NOT reccomended, or at least I haven’t mastered that yet. If you had one of my burritos, you would be back for a second!

  • Black Jack

    The author is right that we are sick. However, may I point out as humans we kill other living creatures because we think it is ok. How would anyone know that? Is there God? And if there is, I am sure God would object to killing these animals for their meat too. So in my opinion we should all be feasting on plants and fruits, not meat or fish. So let’s drop all this nonsense of not eating humans. If animals can talk, I am sure they would be screaming as we humans do when they are killed. As humans, we create a God to take responsibility for our actions.

    • Yes

      Thank you, my friend.

    • iAmLegend

      Fuck off you you fucking vegan we need meat

    • whatever

      but what about animals eating other animals

  • Anonymous

    I just searched this up because i wanted a good laugh right i’m lmbofl (laughing my butt off on the floor)

  • Oscar’s Baby Cooking

    One wonders what recipes there are for cooking a number of humans; about 23 to be specific. What time recommendations do you recommend? 2-3 hours has worked well for three babies but I have had little success in perfectly cooking multiple full sized adults. Also, for the saggier skinned elders, would you recommend a shorter cooking time to really crisp up the skin? May I note I am cooking my bodies in a large cooking chamber about 3 by 3 metres in size. Human is such a great meal, so filling and morally correct. I may also state for those wondering, I do note consume any meat from animals as I strongly consider it to be completely morally wrong. But, due to the lack of concern of animal slaughter in 23 local butchers, I took them form there established homes, marinated them alive in a huge metal pail (alive may I add) and cooked them alive. I also have to say that I have only cooked 4 of them and the other 19 are getting hungry and losing precious, fatty flavour. I need urgent advise in how long to cook them for since I burnt them and no customers wanted them. Any human cooking experts are very welcome to contribute advise to my crisis or the writer of this page. For anyone wondering, I am 13.

    • Amy

      I advise figuring out how long it takes to cook one pound of meat, and adjust cooking time by pound.

    • Sir

      Well, I’m fourteen, but I must say, well done. However, I believe your current way of cooking is the correct way to continue. I also must add that you repeated a few sentences.

  • WOW


    • whatever


  • Bittersweetyrant

    Grilling the meat is the best, like half burnt and half raw, such a mouthwatering flavor ???.

  • Amy

    I plan on cooking and eating someone, seriously. They will be very yummy, and the cops can’t do shit. I plan on making a Thanksgiving type dinner. What would you advise I eat first? I think maybe the heart, or a leg would be good.

    • I was bored okay

      I’d do a leg, yeah.

  • Dick butt

    You sick mother fuckers you guys deserve to burn in hell and your family gets rapped.

    • Negros served hot

      Hey buddy hate to correct you in such a time of distemper, but i’m going to have to call you out on the fact that your spelling rivals that of an autistic four year-old.

    • Elliot Faulk

      Dude I hope I get rapped at I need to drop a beat verse and get my lyrics right though to make it a rap battle.

  • Joe Harney

    Here it is. Found this eposode on youtube:
    Fatal Attraction
    Pretty Cannibal BBQ’s Her Husband

  • Xena II

    The world is overrun with humans and most, especially males, are useless now. Other species of animals are going extinct all the time, but there is no shortage of men. I think that it should be legal for any women who is really in need of meat to be able to kill and eat an otherwise useless man, humanely of course, and she must be able to show that little went to waste. Then maybe do the same again as needed.

    • Elliot Faulk

      Fuck you

    • whatever

      you’re lesbian right

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