Nicolas Cage Must Die

I have one goal for 2011. One resolution. Destroy Nicolas Cage.

I wish it were his long horse face I hated most about him or maybe the way his mouth is always slightly ajar like he’s about to say something. I wish I hated him solely because he always talks in this low voice, like he has a sore throat all the time, but those things wouldn’t be much of an issue if I didn’t have to see his face every single day. On the TV screen, in theaters, and plastered on walls around the city: Nicolas Cage and his face are everywhere and have been everywhere for too long. Not once has Nicolas Cage said, “You know what, I’m going to take break from movies, like a month or two maybe.”

There was a time I used to like him. The Rock was a good movie. But the more I saw his face, the more I began to die inside.

Nicolas Cage has been in over 50 movies since 1981 and during that span had only one year, 1985, without a movie being released.  I often find myself wanting to smash bottles over my head just so I might render myself unconscious or dead, and most importantly, Nick Cage free.

Nick, you’re super rich. Please, ol’ buddy, ol’ pal, call it a career.

The worst news of all, worse than the predicted end of the world, is that Nick Cage has 6 movies already filmed and due to be released within the next couple of years, including the craptacular Ghost Rider 2. Why is there a sequel coming out? Who is watching this shit? Stop it. Now. I’m begging you.

I’m almost certain, even if the world were to end, Nicolas Cage would still be making movies.

Nicholas Cage is like Nickelback. Despite everyone saying how much they hate both of them, they continue to be successful in their respective fields. Why is Mr. Cage famous? I don’t know. Maybe his uncle, Francis Ford Coppola, pulled some strings for him early in his career, but favors can only go so far, the rest of the blame has to fall on us, the consumer.

Before we can deal with world hunger, world peace, cancer and AIDS, we must deal with Nick Cage.

Please join this cause. Join PANIC: People Against Nicolas Idiot-face Cage. You can start by not watching his movies, even the ones that are good. You can also help by throwing rotten vegetables at him if you ever cross his path. That would be cool, thanks.

I’ll leave you with this:

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says, “Why the long face?”

The horse replies, “because I’m a horse.”

The bartender nods, looks over at Nick Cage and says, “What’s your excuse?”

  • Part of the problem is, Nic isn’t super-rich anymore. His accountant says he was living like a sultan with no impulse control. Nic says the accountant neglected to mention he was going broke, and that it was time to stop lighting his cigars with Picasso’s. So, he has to churn out a bunch of shitty movies, to maintain the lifestyle to which his waitress girlfriend, and young son, Kal-El have become accustomed.

    And Ghostrider2? Just fucking shoot me now. I’d rather we got a Daredevil 2.

    • So it’s his accountant’s fault? We’ll kill him too.

  • Best end joke ever.

    My theory is that there are two Nic Cages. There’s the good one, who used to make decent movies, and then there’s the robot the Masons replaced him with. The robot largely makes crap movies that are meant as punishment to those of us who aren’t a part of the brotherhood. His motor is powered off of LSD, powdered donuts, and rat feces.

    • The robot theory makes so much sense… and now I have a craving for rat feces.

  • Guest

    Here’s a little nick cage gem i felt was suiting.

    Nicolas Cage Losing His Shit


    • Holy crap, this is the best thing ever.

  • Also, can members of PANIC get like a member-only card, or a pin, or a secret handshake so we can identify one anonther?

    • I like the idea of a secret handshake. It’s what my life is missing right now. The lack of said handshake is driving me to alcoholism.

  • Good ol’ fashioned Nick Cage hatred – FANTASTIC!

    Seriously though, he is annoying. Minus, like you said, the rock. Actually, he was annoying in that too, it’s just there are other parts that make up for it.

    • Sean Connery trumped Cage’s annoyingness.

  • Budd

    Okay, i want to be a member of Panic.

    • Malackey will show you the secret handshake and we’ll send you a pin in the mail. Welcome.

  • Kal

    “Nicholas Cage is like Nickelback. Despite everyone saying how much they hate both of them, they continue to be successful in their respective fields.”

    Oh now that is beautiful. Never has a more perfect analogy been made.

    • Thank you my friend…may they both retire very very soon.

  • ali


    too funny. too…funny..

    I wonder how come nick’s face become longer and longer, and hair become less and less ?

    • I think Nicolas Cage’s head is slowly transforming into a banana.

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