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The thought of attending an acoustic show did not wow or excite me, but it sounded like a decent, relaxing night out in Toronto. On top of that, I was more than curious to return to my old favorite venue, the El Mocambo, where I’d attended two of my all time favorite shows: Millencolin and The Suicide Machines over 10 years ago. Whether it was the many many rum and cokes and Labatt 50s, the intimate and nostalgic atmosphere of the El Mocambo, the company of good friends, or the great music I couldn’t tell you, but it made for one hell of a good night and a pretty mean hangover the next morning.

Joey Cape (singer of Lagwagon) and Tony Sly (singer of No Use for a Name) strummed their way through acoustic versions of their respective band’s hits, threw in some witty banter in between songs (mostly Cape, he’s a funny guy), and did a couple originals. Slurring my way through each song, cursing myself for leaving my camera at home, and yelling out song requests made for one great night out with the boys. If you’re familiar with Lagwagon or No Use for a Name, see Joey Cape and Tony Sly when they come to your town. You won’t be disappointed.

Thanks for a great birthday gift Z…As you can see, I stole your pictures, just like I said I would while stumbling to the subway station.

With all the great weather sweeping through Toronto I thought I’d take advantage of it and go for a little run. So, with my running gear on (yes, those ridiculous outfits that make one look like a gay ninja) and my Mp3 player looping Eye of the Tiger over and over again, I set out to exhaust myself for no particular reason except maybe to get some use out of my gay ninja outfit (my straight ninja outfit is in the wash). Midway through my run I was stopped by an older lady waiting for the bus. She asked me for $5 because she had laryngitis. $5 for a temporary affliction? Sure, I’ll throw in a foot rub too. Bullshit. If you’re going to panhandle, do it right. This is the guide to panhandling excellence.

#1. Find a high traffic area. This increases your odds of having more people drop change in your cup, and more money is (DUH!) the goal of panhandling. Do people still say “DUH”? They did at one time though, right?

#2. If you’re going to ask for money, don’t ask for spare change. Ask for a reasonable, specific amount. Studies have shown that asking for say, 37 cents, is much more effective than asking for spare change.  Think about past situations where someone asked for a quarter, or 50 cents. I’m much more likely to help someone reach a specific goal even if I don’t exactly know what reaching that goal means to them. By the way, I’m short 78 cents for a mini bag of Zesty Doritos. Can someone do me a kindness and make a brutha’s flavored tortilla chip dream come true?

#3. Hand written signs can help if they’re witty, funny or mind blowing. If a sign makes me laugh, I’ll throw some coin in your cup. I was provided with a service, for that you should be compensated.  Some people like to mention God on their sign in some way, but you might alienate Atheists. Your choice. I once saw a sign that said, “Happiness: Only 25 cents.” I thought, what if by some bizarre cosmic magic, this was my one chance to guarantee eternal happiness? I’d be stupid to pass it up.

#4. Get a dog. I’m much more likely to give money to someone with a dog because for some reason, I’m more concerned the dog will go hungry than the homeless person. Maybe that’s because the dog doesn’t have a heroin addiction…I could be wrong, maybe Fido does love the smack.

#5. Work for it. In a big city begging is a competitive business. Hobos need something that makes people want to give them change over the other down on his luck guy sitting on the next corner. Some hold open doors, some offer free newspapers. These two are overdone and not really impressive in any way. I once saw a guy playing an upside down paint bucket like a drum. There was absolutely no rhythm and I’m not sure the man was fully conscious, but he was trying and I respected that. There’s also a girl in Kensington Market who sings Sinead O’Connor songs into a carrot. The laughter and memories she provided were well worth the $2 I gave her.

#6. High pressure sales tactics might work sometimes, but overall they’re not a good idea. You might make people take a different route to work and make your high traffic area a low traffic area. I once had a homeless guy follow me for nearly a block asking for money and being a jerk about it. Why would I want to contribute to this guy living any longer? I don’t have spare change, but I have a spare ‘knee to the groin’ if you keep asking, pal.

#7.Be sick or act sick. If you appear to be sick, people will give you money. Just ask the shaky lady in Toronto! (click here to read about her). This isn’t the most honest way to make money, it’s more for the homeless lawyers and marketing execs.

#8. Be young. Okay, you can’t make someone younger, but I’ve always been more likely to give money to younger homeless people because I’m hoping there’s still a chance for a better life for them. The 78 year old homeless woman isn’t going to turn her life around on my 12 cents.

#9. Stand out and be creative. If you stand out, people will consider you a friend and want to be a repeat contributor. I once made friends with a homeless girl near my work. She and her boyfriend were living in hostels and trying to make ends meet. She was very talkative and inspiring and would show me some of her artwork that she drew in her journal. I’d sit with her sometimes and we’d chew the fat and I even panhandled on her behalf on one occasion (I didn’t make a penny). On the average day, she claimed to make upwards of $10 an hour.  What set her apart? She was young (see #8), kind, but most importantly, she wasn’t asking for change, but handing out resumes (she got change anyway). After a few weeks, she wasn’t there anymore. I hope she and her boyfriend are doing well and aren’t sitting with Fido doing smack.

#10. Give us something to relate to. The panhandler I respected most was a man who sat on the corner of Front and John in Toronto maybe ten years ago. He would read a book while sitting on a milk crate and have a cup out for change. No sales pressure, no begging. Donate if you want, if not, that’s cool too. People loved him, brought him coffee, cigarettes, books and of course, spare change! Did reading a book make him more identifiable? Seem more intelligent?  I don’t know, but it worked.

#11. Say thank you because people don’t owe you anything. So when a passerby gives you something, even a penny, say thanks. Most people are giving away their money to feel better about themselves and the thanks they get in return goes a long way in promoting repeat business. Yes, panhandling is a business. Not the most lucrative business, but for someone with a limited skill set, it can help in buying that next meal (or bottle of malt liquor).

I know having this guide on the internet isn’t very helpful for currently homeless people, but with today’s economy, one of us could be homeless any day now. So maybe you should print this out and keep it with you at all times.

My questions to you are: who are you most likely to give money to and why? Do you have a story about a beggar you’d like to share?

When you run a sometimes funny mediocre website, certain opportunities present themselves. Courtside tickets to the Raptors game for instance. Everything is better when you’re closer. Prime example:

So how much do courtside tickets cost?

That’s steep, but it’s the price you pay to have a camera man sit on your feet.  New fetish of mine. His name is Bruce. I’m seeing him tomorrow night so he can sit on my feet..while he’s naked…and holding a camera.

It’s also the price you pay to share the same floor as the players. Is there any other sport where you can get so close to the action?

I also got to share the floor with the newest Leaf defenseman, Dion Phaneuf and star winger, Phil Kessel (not pictured). They both acknowledged me when I drunkenly declared my love for them as they walked by.

More importantly, I got to see Vanilla Ice. He’s the real reason I went to the game.  His set-list included Play That Funky Music, and you guessed it, Ice Ice Baby.

Oh right, I also got to meet Canada’s 18th Prime Minister, Brian Mulroney!

Seems like a cool night, but to cap it all off I found this:

I hope you enjoyed my courtside photo adventure. In case you’re wondering, the Raptors were playing the lowly New Jersey Nets and won 108-99.

What are the best tickets you’ve ever had to a event? Does a camera man sitting on your feet turn you on? Do you like Brian Mulroney?

For anyone worried about the Leafs first round pick (7th overall) Nazem Kadri – Please watch his game tying goal, and more importantly, his sweet shootout goal from last night’s preseason game against the Pittsburgh Penguins.

The kid looks just fine.

TSN’s article on the game - http://www.tsn.ca/nhl/story/?id=292199

I saw this sign in Toronto and had to take a picture.

When you own a teriyaki restaurant, teriyaki is the big selling item. It’s what will make or break the business. But when your sign says, “Not Only Teriyaki” and below says, “Real Food,” it implies that your make or break item, the teriyaki, isn’t real food.  Another knee slapper is that “Real Food!” has an exclamation point beside it, which means they’re excited they have real food. They don’t think this is something being offered everywhere else. 

Also, if the daily special is glued or painted on your window, and has been there since the restaurant opened, it’s not a daily special, it’s the regular everyday price. 

I actually used to eat here and it was only when the “For Rent” sign was up that I started thinking of possible reasons it could have gone belly-up. Oddly enough, when they served me iced tea from a paint bucket, I was just happy my lunch was under $5 and included a drink. 

They also had many copies of Hello! magazine, which kept me updated on any gossip pertaining to the royal family. I used to dare people to quiz me on Prince Harry. Alas, those days are gone, and so is my teriyaki restaurant. Where am I going to get real food? 

Oh well, fuck it, I’ll get thai cuisine at this place instead.

For many people, laundry day comes when they run out underwear. Emergency underwear is the last clean pair of underwear you have at your disposal. The pair you’ve contemplated throwing out, but for whatever reason, decided that a day might come where they could serve a purpose. With new and clean underwear going in and out of your drawer, old faithful is usually buried in the back, waiting to come off the bench and play. It’s on laundry day that you truly know why you refused to part with what is most likely the ugliest and least comfortable pair of underwear in your repertoire.

Emergency underwear can take many forms.

The Thorn in Your Asshole

• Whether they’re too tight, too loose, ride up or lack the ball support you need, you’ve relegated these skivvies to being the last pair you’ll wear before doing the laundry. That constant wedgie, or rip in the balls zone says you need to get your laundry done so you can enjoy your go-to knickers and escape from your groin gouging last line of defense jockeys.

The Retired Veteran

• Sometimes when your best pair of Saturday night drawers begins to show wear and tear, rather than tossing it into the garbage or turning it into a rag, you give it the respect it deserves and allow it to play a veteran role on the team. Allow it to step in when the game is on the line and options are limited.  Rips in the waistband don’t mean that the wily vet can’t still do the job, and it’s on these days that you respect and love your old knickers. Hell, if they can get you through Y2K, than what’s one more emergency?

Novelty Underwear

• Gag gifts, Christmas presents, or just bad purchases are where one usually obtains novelty underwear. They’ll include underwear with pictures of comic book characters, sports players, or even politicians. Maybe they’ll have a stupid joke on them like, “contents under pressure,” “slippery when wet”, or “a fart a day keeps the wife away.” At any rate, the sports player has retired or moved on to another team, the comic book character is no longer cool, and you’ve finally noticed that the joke on your undergarments isn’t funny.

What are you wearing on laundry day?

This is my novelty underwear. It’s supposed to be former Toronto Raptor Jerome “Junk Yard Dog” Williams (2001-2003).  Because JYD left the Raptors in 2003 this underwear is dated, which is a nice addition to emergency underwear. Notice the lack of words that might make this product in need of any sort of licensing, such as “Raptors,” “NBA,” or “Jerome Williams.”  My Mom got me this gift as some sort of joke, while filling the motherly quota of supplying me with underwear every single Christmas. My cousin got Green Goblin underwear. Ridiculous.