#1. Find a high traffic area. This increases your odds of having more people drop change in your cup, and more money is (DUH!) the goal of panhandling. Do people still say “DUH”? They did at one time though, right?

#2. If you’re going to ask for money, don’t ask for spare change. Ask for a reasonable, specific amount. Studies have shown that asking for say, 37 cents, is much more effective than asking for spare change.  Think about past situations where someone asked for a quarter, or 50 cents. I’m much more likely to help someone reach a specific goal even if I don’t exactly know what reaching that goal means to them. By the way, I’m short 78 cents for a mini bag of Zesty Doritos. Can someone do me a kindness and make a brutha’s flavored tortilla chip dream come true?

#3. Hand written signs can help if they’re witty, funny or mind blowing. If a sign makes me laugh, I’ll throw some coin in your cup. I was provided with a service, for that you should be compensated.  Some people like to mention God on their sign in some way, but you might alienate Atheists. Your choice. I once saw a sign that said, “Happiness: Only 25 cents.” I thought, what if by some bizarre cosmic magic, this was my one chance to guarantee eternal happiness? I’d be stupid to pass it up.

#4. Get a dog. I’m much more likely to give money to someone with a dog because for some reason, I’m more concerned the dog will go hungry than the homeless person. Maybe that’s because the dog doesn’t have a heroin addiction…I could be wrong, maybe Fido does love the smack.

#5. Work for it. In a big city begging is a competitive business. Hobos need something that makes people want to give them change over the other down on his luck guy sitting on the next corner. Some hold open doors, some offer free newspapers. These two are overdone and not really impressive in any way. I once saw a guy playing an upside down paint bucket like a drum. There was absolutely no rhythm and I’m not sure the man was fully conscious, but he was trying and I respected that. There’s also a girl in Kensington Market who sings Sinead O’Connor songs into a carrot. The laughter and memories she provided were well worth the $2 I gave her.

#6. High pressure sales tactics might work sometimes, but overall they’re not a good idea. You might make people take a different route to work and make your high traffic area a low traffic area. I once had a homeless guy follow me for nearly a block asking for money and being a jerk about it. Why would I want to contribute to this guy living any longer? I don’t have spare change, but I have a spare ‘knee to the groin’ if you keep asking, pal.

#7.Be sick or act sick. If you appear to be sick, people will give you money. Just ask the shaky lady in Toronto! (click here to read about her). This isn’t the most honest way to make money, it’s more for the homeless lawyers and marketing execs.

#8. Be young. Okay, you can’t make someone younger, but I’ve always been more likely to give money to younger homeless people because I’m hoping there’s still a chance for a better life for them. The 78 year old homeless woman isn’t going to turn her life around on my 12 cents.

#9. Stand out and be creative. If you stand out, people will consider you a friend and want to be a repeat contributor. I once made friends with a homeless girl near my work. She and her boyfriend were living in hostels and trying to make ends meet. She was very talkative and inspiring and would show me some of her artwork that she drew in her journal. I’d sit with her sometimes and we’d chew the fat and I even panhandled on her behalf on one occasion (I didn’t make a penny). On the average day, she claimed to make upwards of $10 an hour.  What set her apart? She was young (see #8), kind, but most importantly, she wasn’t asking for change, but handing out resumes (she got change anyway). After a few weeks, she wasn’t there anymore. I hope she and her boyfriend are doing well and aren’t sitting with Fido doing smack.

#10. Give us something to relate to. The panhandler I respected most was a man who sat on the corner of Front and John in Toronto maybe ten years ago. He would read a book while sitting on a milk crate and have a cup out for change. No sales pressure, no begging. Donate if you want, if not, that’s cool too. People loved him, brought him coffee, cigarettes, books and of course, spare change! Did reading a book make him more identifiable? Seem more intelligent?  I don’t know, but it worked.

#11. Say thank you because people don’t owe you anything. So when a passerby gives you something, even a penny, say thanks. Most people are giving away their money to feel better about themselves and the thanks they get in return goes a long way in promoting repeat business. Yes, panhandling is a business. Not the most lucrative business, but for someone with a limited skill set, it can help in buying that next meal (or bottle of malt liquor).

I know having this guide on the internet isn’t very helpful for currently homeless people, but with today’s economy, one of us could be homeless any day now. So maybe you should print this out and keep it with you at all times.

My questions to you are: who are you most likely to give money to and why? Do you have a story about a beggar you’d like to share?

Artwork by Keir Broadfoot. Please check out his amazing and hilarious comics at www.sweatypenny.com

If you’re a guy and you’ve used a public restroom, you probably noticed there’s more people who don’t wash their hands vs. those who do (what do you think of us now, ladies?). With this in mind, almost every time you shake a man’s hand, you’re shaking his penis. Perhaps later you indulge in some chicken wings, then lick some of the delicious Buffalo wing sauce from your fingers. Congrats, you just licked Buffalo wing sauce off some guy’s knob. Okay, I’m exaggerating a bit, but before you give non-hand-washers the stink eye, like I’ve done so many times, read on.

Hand Washers
Those of you who do wash your hands after taking a leak, and especially after shaking another man’s hand, are probably laughing it up. Your hands are clean, right? Wait a second, when you washed your hands did you use your hand to turn off the tap or open the door on the way out? Because just think of how many penis infested hands turned on the tap to wash their hands before you, and how many dink encrusted fingers opened the door after not washing their hands. So, in fact, you actually have more dink on your hands than the person who didn’t wash their hands, what’s worse is that you have other people’s dink on your hand while the guy who didn’t wash his hands only has his own. Maybe you should stop licking the melted ice cream of your thumb and index finger you smug bastard.

Non-Hand-Washers
Based on what you’ve just read, it seems like not washing your hands is the better option, because then it’s only your dink you have on your hands, and your dink and your hand spend so much time together this is something you’re probably more comfortable with than the dink of a stranger. Only people who shake your hand need worry, but you, you’re gold.

Sleeves and Paper Towel
Hey hand washers, I know, you’ve got some other tricks up your sleeves don’t you? Sure you do, you know you can use a paper towel or your sleeve to turn on and off the tap and open the door. So this seems to be the ideal situation, doesn’t it? It does, but this isn’t an ideal world and there isn’t always paper towel, not all shirts have long sleeves, and not all people want dink residue on their sleeves.

The Hand Dryer
The hand dryer is the cleanest option. No touching anything unless there’s an on button instead of a sensor, but if you hit the button for the dryer with your elbow, you’re good to go in the hygienic department…Or are you? The following facts will blow your mind (among other things).

A 2008 study conducted by the University of Westminster, London, compared the levels of hygiene offered by paper towels, warm air hand dryers and the modern jet-air hand dryers.

Summary of findings (Source – Wikipedia):

• After washing and drying hands with the warm air dryer, the total number of bacteria was found to increase on average on the finger pads by 194% and on the palms by 254%. Yes, the hand dryer made your hand dirtier than it was before!
• Drying with the jet air dryer resulted in an increase on average of the total number of bacteria on the finger pads by 42% and on the palms by 15%
• After washing your hands and drying them with a paper towel, the total number of bacteria was reduced on average on the finger pads by up to 76% and on the palms by up to 77%. Another win for paper towels!

That’s interesting stuff, but what I found even funnier is that the jet air dryer, which blows air out at 400 mph, was capable of blowing micro-organisms (aka penis particles) from the unit and from your hands and shooting them up to 2 meters away. That’s a lot of dink debris being blown around. Maybe next time just dry your hands on your pants.

Continuous Cloth Towel
I didn’t find stats on the continuous cloth (once the norm),  but I can only assume it’s the filthiest one of all. Never, under any circumstances use this thing. Use your socks, hell, use a hobo’s socks to dry your hands before you get syphilis from one of these idiotic contraptions.

Take Home Message
The take home message is that paper towels reign supreme, but in their absence, use your sleeves to turn on taps and open doors and give your hands a good shake to dry them off. Remember, maybe those guys not washing their hands aren’t as filthy as you think. Maybe they didn’t want to use their sleeves or maybe they didn’t have any.

The easiest thing to do is use hand sanitizer or if you can, not to think about anything you’ve just read. You made it this far covered dink dust, right?

Oh, and next time you lick your fingers think of all the things you touched before that moment. Yum!

What are your thoughts on hand washing? Will this change any of your old habits? What do you think of the professional art work on this post (in other words give Keir some love)?

1. I’d Rather Hear Music Than a Good Friend Climaxing
Call me old fashioned, but I don’t want to hear my friends getting off and I’m certain the feeling is mutual.  If you’re getting busy, and it’s not too early or too late, throw on some tunes and most volume rules can be skipped.  Music can drown out even the loudest and filthiest couples. Yes, your roomies will most likely know why you’re playing music, but it’s not like they thought you were a virgin in the first place. Who cares if they know your action schedule, at least you’re not scarring them. No biggie.

*Tip: The tempo of the music dictates the tempo of the sex.  So choose wisely. If you’re not up to the task, or haven’t stretched enough, don’t put on speed metal.

2. Do it Like a Ninja
If it is too late or too early and everyone is asleep, there’s a good chance there’s no ambient noise and even the sound of a condom wrapper can be heard hitting the shag rug.  If you don’t want to wake the neighbors, it’s probably a good time to practice ninja sex. Stealthy, yet efficient. Once in a while it’s a nice change of pace. Especially if you’ve been rocking the speed metal too much or you’re just tired. If you put on something slow, try not to fall asleep, it doesn’t usually go over well.

3. Even if it’s the Dead of Winter, Don’t Put that Fan Away
If there is ambient noise: a TV set, a fan, a radio, etc. then you can proceed at a medium level. Just try to keep the slapping, smacking, and banging to a minimum. Those sounds rise above the hum of a fan. Just don’t be surprised when, due to classical conditioning, the whir of your fan starts turning you on.

4. Put a Sock On It
No, I’m not here to promote safe sex. There are after school specials for that. If you have roommates and you’re practicing the aforementioned rules, they may not realize you’re having an intimate wrestling match and they may come a knocking on your door. As cheesy as putting a sock or tie on the doorknob is, it’s better than that awkward moment of having a friend walk in and ask if you need an extra set of hands.

5. Alcohol Oopsies
Alcohol negates all of the rules just stated because it gets you to a point where you may not give a rats ass about your neighbors or your roommates. So if you are the roommate or the neighbor, have some backup measures at your disposal. Again, a fan, some music, or a TV can help drown out those sounds you never wanted to hear. Also, earplugs are a great idea if your roomy is a nympho.

6. Don’t Be A Cock-Blocker
If you like your friend’s significant (or not so significant) other, don’t let them know you can hear them yelling, “Yee-Haw” and “Who’s your Daddy?” It’s awkward for everyone and can hamper your friends sex life, which in turn can possibly ruin their relationship. Maybe that’s a bit far-fetched, maybe not. Either way, a good friend should want you to be getting regular action.

If you hate your friend’s girlfriend or boyfriend, then by all means, let them know. Make them feel uncomfortable. At the very least, they’ll probably try to keep it down, they might take their show on the road, and at best, they’ll realize their relationship is empty without sex and they’ll break up.

Of course, there’s always the spiteful couple who will be even louder than usual. Don’t get mad though, it’s kind of funny.

7. If You’re Trying to Hook up with the Roommate of Your Girlfriend/Boyfriend
First of all, you’re very ambitious, and a little bit of a jerk. Oddly, “ambitious” is the word that stands out to me more. Hell, it’s the roommate switch. They did it on Seinfeld! In this case, be as loud as possible. The roomie will hear this and have no choice but to imagine trading places with their roommate and being with you! Yes, sickening, but it could work. Best of luck to you. Let me know how it goes.

8. EWWW. I know.
Last but not least, remember this: Everyone has sex. Even that guy in high school who you were sure would die a virgin. He won’t. I know, it’s gross, but it’s true.  With this in mind, remember the onus is on you AND the loud couple effing each other’s brains out to respect one another. Just because your roomie is getting laid and you’re not, doesn’t mean you should ruin his/her fun. Did you think having neighbors or roomies was going to be like living in a seminary? Get real. Oh, and that’s seminary, not SEMENary (but if you thought it, good on ya). Ear plugs, music, and white noise can go a long way to building a stronger relationship between you, your roomies, and your neighbors.

Oh, and if you like listening to the bedroom commotion, then that is your right too. Just don’t sit right outside the door. It’s creepy.

I recommend sending this post to a roommate or neighbor as a not so subtle hint.

When the frustration of holiday shopping sets in, a lack of escalator etiquette becomes even more irritating than usual. Unlike subway etiquette, escalator etiquette isn’t common sense because it is so commonly disregarded that I find myself tossing middle fingers and death glares at idiotic escalator riders more often than not.

So for those of you who don’t know how to behave on an escalator, here are the rules that civilization has come up with and that I’m passing on to you. Abide by them or deal with the sharp elbow I’ll give you when I want to get by.

One. Escalators are like highways. Pass on the left hand side. If you want to stand or go very slowly, keep to the right. If you keep left while standing you’ll be blocking people who are in a hurry and who aren’t lazy sacks of shit. I will grumble and swear under my breath if you block my way. I soon will start carrying eggs that I will hurl at the back of your head.  Be prepared to pay the price for being an asshole. You have been warned.

Two. Do not stand in the middle of the escalator. This allows me enough room to push my way through and I will do it just so you are well aware that standing in the middle is selfish and a blatant sign of your dickheadedness. Get to the right or I will toss you there myself if it’s the only way you’ll learn.

Three. Hey folks, don’t be so scared of that last step. For those who are walking on the left side of the escalator, my brothers and sisters, I know it’s tricky, but keep on plugging. There’s no reason to stop and let the escalator take you that last foot or two. Don’t be afraid, the escalator probably won’t eat you. Besides, us left siders are in a rush, remember?

Four. If you’re traveling with a partner (girlfriend/boyfriend/friend/grandma) and you want to stand, one of you stand behind the other. Yes, you don’t have to be shoulder to shoulder all the time. Amazing I know.

***Here’s a tip, if you can get a couple of stairs up on a friend (or a stranger if you’re feeling bold) their face will be at the same level as your butt. Fart away. It’s the perfect gag to melt those holiday season woes. Another tip, if you expect to do this, enjoy some eggnog before you go to the mall.

Five. For those of you wondering what rules apply for the thin escalators that aren’t wide enough to fit two people, there are no rules. Some people want to stand and be carried by the escalator. God forbid they use their own muscles to get anywhere, but the choice is theirs. We must show patience or if the option exists, take the stairs.

Six. When you get off the escalator get the fuck out of my way. Don’t stand there like an idiot, there is a staircase full of people being propelled towards you.  Move, you moron.

Seven. Don’t stand in front of the escalator.  Can’t decide if you want to get on or not? I don’t care, get out of the way. Most people can make this decision in a fraction of a second. Go get a Yogen Fruz and mull it over. Different floor or same floor? Whatever you decide is NOT irreversible.  Fuck.

These rules definitely apply for all right side driving countries, but I’m not sure if they’re reversed in left side driving places like the UK. Anyone know? If so, just switch left and right throughout this article…mate.

Happy escalating, kids.

There are some standard subway rules that are givens:

Give someone your seat if…

1. She is fat with child (AKA pregnant).

PERK: The woman must name the baby after the last person to give her their seat. It could be you!

2. He or she is disabled or physically handicapped.

PERK: This gives you the privilege of using their crutch as a microphone and singing your favorite Abba song.

3. He or she is old, frail, and may die on the course of the ride.

PERK: The unspoken deal is that should this geezer pass away, you get dibs on looting their corpse first. All that pocket change could be yours!!

Some rules are common sense, but not necessarily givens:

1. If you have a backpack on and it’s crowded, take off your backpack so you aren’t taking up extra room and/or smacking people with your textbooks every time you turn around to find some prime cleavage.
2. Don’t wear too much perfume. The subway cars are poorly ventilated and you could end up killing everyone in it.
3. Just because you’re in a crowd, and no one can tell you did it, don’t fart. See above reason.  NOTE: Should someone fart, try to identify the perpetrator. Sometimes this can prove to be quite difficult.
4. Don’t block the doors. If you are blocking the doors, get off at every stop and let us off or I will make sure my shoulder smacks you on the way out. Don’t be a dick.
5. Turn down the volume on your iPod so only you can hear it. I’m not impressed you’re listening to Christina Aguilera and loving every minute of it. Not that impressed anyway. Ok, I’m impressed.

Frequently Asked Subway Etiquette Questions:

Q: If someone has a baby in a stroller, do we give them a seat?

A: These women were offered a subway seat throughout most of their pregnancy, do they need the seat now too? Are they simply having babies so they have a free seat on a busy subway? Most likely they are. You know what, let them stand. Also, the mothers have the benefit of having a stroller to lean on. This provides something to hold onto that isn’t covered in disease like a subway pole

WARNING: If you’ve ever licked food off your hand and realized the last thing you touched was a subway pole then you probably have syphilis or Ebola. See a doctor or a mortician.

Q: Should morbidly obese people get a seat?

A: Not a chance. Being fat and lazy shouldn’t grant you the opportunity to have a seat and be more lazy.

Q: Can I poop on the subway?

A: Despite how funny it is, you shouldn’t do it. Not when I’m on the subway anyway…Unless you really really wanna.