CorruptCamel.com

With all the great weather sweeping through Toronto I thought I’d take advantage of it and go for a little run. So, with my running gear on (yes, those ridiculous outfits that make one look like a gay ninja) and my Mp3 player looping Eye of the Tiger over and over again, I set out to exhaust myself for no particular reason except maybe to get some use out of my gay ninja outfit (my straight ninja outfit is in the wash). Midway through my run I was stopped by an older lady waiting for the bus. She asked me for $5 because she had laryngitis. $5 for a temporary affliction? Sure, I’ll throw in a foot rub too. Bullshit. If you’re going to panhandle, do it right. This is the guide to panhandling excellence.

#1. Find a high traffic area. This increases your odds of having more people drop change in your cup, and more money is (DUH!) the goal of panhandling. Do people still say “DUH”? They did at one time though, right?

#2. If you’re going to ask for money, don’t ask for spare change. Ask for a reasonable, specific amount. Studies have shown that asking for say, 37 cents, is much more effective than asking for spare change.  Think about past situations where someone asked for a quarter, or 50 cents. I’m much more likely to help someone reach a specific goal even if I don’t exactly know what reaching that goal means to them. By the way, I’m short 78 cents for a mini bag of Zesty Doritos. Can someone do me a kindness and make a brutha’s flavored tortilla chip dream come true?

#3. Hand written signs can help if they’re witty, funny or mind blowing. If a sign makes me laugh, I’ll throw some coin in your cup. I was provided with a service, for that you should be compensated.  Some people like to mention God on their sign in some way, but you might alienate Atheists. Your choice. I once saw a sign that said, “Happiness: Only 25 cents.” I thought, what if by some bizarre cosmic magic, this was my one chance to guarantee eternal happiness? I’d be stupid to pass it up.

#4. Get a dog. I’m much more likely to give money to someone with a dog because for some reason, I’m more concerned the dog will go hungry than the homeless person. Maybe that’s because the dog doesn’t have a heroin addiction…I could be wrong, maybe Fido does love the smack.

#5. Work for it. In a big city begging is a competitive business. Hobos need something that makes people want to give them change over the other down on his luck guy sitting on the next corner. Some hold open doors, some offer free newspapers. These two are overdone and not really impressive in any way. I once saw a guy playing an upside down paint bucket like a drum. There was absolutely no rhythm and I’m not sure the man was fully conscious, but he was trying and I respected that. There’s also a girl in Kensington Market who sings Sinead O’Connor songs into a carrot. The laughter and memories she provided were well worth the $2 I gave her.

#6. High pressure sales tactics might work sometimes, but overall they’re not a good idea. You might make people take a different route to work and make your high traffic area a low traffic area. I once had a homeless guy follow me for nearly a block asking for money and being a jerk about it. Why would I want to contribute to this guy living any longer? I don’t have spare change, but I have a spare ‘knee to the groin’ if you keep asking, pal.

#7.Be sick or act sick. If you appear to be sick, people will give you money. Just ask the shaky lady in Toronto! (click here to read about her). This isn’t the most honest way to make money, it’s more for the homeless lawyers and marketing execs.

#8. Be young. Okay, you can’t make someone younger, but I’ve always been more likely to give money to younger homeless people because I’m hoping there’s still a chance for a better life for them. The 78 year old homeless woman isn’t going to turn her life around on my 12 cents.

#9. Stand out and be creative. If you stand out, people will consider you a friend and want to be a repeat contributor. I once made friends with a homeless girl near my work. She and her boyfriend were living in hostels and trying to make ends meet. She was very talkative and inspiring and would show me some of her artwork that she drew in her journal. I’d sit with her sometimes and we’d chew the fat and I even panhandled on her behalf on one occasion (I didn’t make a penny). On the average day, she claimed to make upwards of $10 an hour.  What set her apart? She was young (see #8), kind, but most importantly, she wasn’t asking for change, but handing out resumes (she got change anyway). After a few weeks, she wasn’t there anymore. I hope she and her boyfriend are doing well and aren’t sitting with Fido doing smack.

#10. Give us something to relate to. The panhandler I respected most was a man who sat on the corner of Front and John in Toronto maybe ten years ago. He would read a book while sitting on a milk crate and have a cup out for change. No sales pressure, no begging. Donate if you want, if not, that’s cool too. People loved him, brought him coffee, cigarettes, books and of course, spare change! Did reading a book make him more identifiable? Seem more intelligent?  I don’t know, but it worked.

#11. Say thank you because people don’t owe you anything. So when a passerby gives you something, even a penny, say thanks. Most people are giving away their money to feel better about themselves and the thanks they get in return goes a long way in promoting repeat business. Yes, panhandling is a business. Not the most lucrative business, but for someone with a limited skill set, it can help in buying that next meal (or bottle of malt liquor).

I know having this guide on the internet isn’t very helpful for currently homeless people, but with today’s economy, one of us could be homeless any day now. So maybe you should print this out and keep it with you at all times.

My questions to you are: who are you most likely to give money to and why? Do you have a story about a beggar you’d like to share?

Quick self promotion – if you have Facebook please become a fan of this page. The link is on the sidebar. Cheers.
Ok, so I’ve had a day to mull this over and I’ve come up with a few rules.
-
Whether you have roommates or just live in a thin walled apartment building, there are some guidelines to follow when you know someone is within ear shot of you and the opposite (or same, do you what you like) sex having a triple X throw-down. Here’s what I’ve come up with.
-
I’d Rather Hear Music Than a Good Friend Climaxing
Call me old fashioned, but I don’t want to hear my friends getting off.  If it’s not too early or too late, throw on some tunes and most volume rules can be skipped.  Music can drown out even the loudest and filthiest couples. Yes, your roomies will most likely know why you’re playing music, but it’s not like they thought you were a virgin in the first place. Who cares if they know your action schedule, at least you’re not scarring them. No biggie.
-
*Tip: The tempo of the music dictates the tempo of the sex.  So choose wisely. If you’re not up to the task, or haven’t stretched enough, don’t put on speed metal.
-
Do it Like a Ninja
Secondly, if it is too late or too early and everyone is asleep, there’s a good chance there’s no ambient noise and even the sound of a condom wrapper can be heard hitting the shag rug.  If you don’t want to wake the neighbors, it’s probably a good time to practice ninja sex. Stealthy, yet efficient. Once in a while it’s nice change of pace. Especially if you’ve been rocking the speed metal too much or you’re just tired. If you put on something slow, try not to fall asleep, it doesn’t usually go over well.
-
Even if it’s the Dead of Winter, Don’t Put that Fan Away
If there is ambient noise: a TV set, a fan, a radio, etc. then you can proceed at a medium level. Just try to keep the slapping, smacking, and banging to a minimum. Those sounds rise above the hum of a fan. Just don’t be surprised when the whir of your fan starts turning you on.
-
Put a Sock On It
No, I’m not here to promote safe sex. There are after school specials for that. If you have roommates and you’re practicing the aforementioned rules, they may not realize you’re having an intimate wrestling match and they may come a knocking on your door. As cheesy as putting a sock or tie on the doorknob is, it’s better than that awkward moment of having a friend walk in and ask if you need a third set of hands.
-
Alcohol Oopsies
Alcohol negates all of the rules just stated because it gets you to a point where you may not give a rats ass about your neighbors or your roommates. So if you are the roommate or the neighbor, have some backup measures at your disposal. Again, a fan, some music, or a TV can help drown out those sounds you never wanted to hear. Also, earplugs are a great idea if your roomy is a nympho.
-
Don’t Be A Cock-Blocker
If you like your friend’s significant (or not so significant) other, don’t let them know you can hear them yelling, “Yee-Haw” and “Who’s you Daddy?” It’s awkward for everyone and can hamper your friends sex life, which in turn can possibly ruin their relationship. Maybe that’s a bit far-fetched, maybe not. Either way, a good friend should want you to be getting regular action.
-
If you hate your friend’s girlfriend or boyfriend, then by all means, let them know. Make them feel uncomfortable. At the very least, they’ll probably try to keep it down, they might take their show on the road, and at best, they’ll realize their relationship is empty without sex and they’ll break up.
-
Of course, there’s always the spiteful couple who will be even louder than usual. Don’t get mad though, it’s kind of funny.
-
If You’re Trying to Hook up with the Roommate of Your Girlfriend/Boyfriend
First of all, you’re very ambitious, and a little bit of a jerk. Oddly, “ambitious” is the word that stands out to me more. Hell, it’s the roommate switch. They did it on Seinfeld! In this case, be as loud as possible. The roomie will hear this and have no choice but to imagine trading places with their roommate and being with you! Yes, sickening, but it could work. Best of luck to you. Let me know how it goes.
-
EWWW. I know.
Last but not least, remember this: Everyone has sex. Even that guy in high school who you were sure would die a virgin. He won’t. I know, it’s gross, but it’s true.  With this in mind, remember the onus is on you AND the loud couple effing each other’s brains out to respect one another. Just because your roomie is getting laid and you’re not, doesn’t mean you should ruin his/her fun. Did you think having neighbors or roomies was going to be like living in a seminary? Get real. Oh, and that’s seminary, not SEMENary (but if you thought it, good on ya). Ear plugs, music, and white noise can go a long way to building a stronger relationship between you, your roomies, and your neighbors.
-
Oh, and if you like listening to the bedroom commotion, then that is your right too. Just don’t sit right outside the door. It’s creepy.
-
I recommend sending this post to a roommate or neighbor as a not so subtle hint.
-
Did I miss anything?

I have babies so I can sit down on the way to work!

-
There are some standard subway rules that are givens:
-
Give someone your seat if…

-
• She is fat with child (pregnant). The woman must name the baby after the last person to give her their seat. It could be you!
• They are disabled or physically handicapped. This gives you the privilege of using their crutch as a microphone and singing your favorite Abba song.
• They are old, frail, and may die on the course of the ride. The unspoken deal of offering your seat allows you to loot their corpse should they pass on.

-
Some rules are common sense, but not necessarily givens:

• If you have a backpack on and it’s crowded, take off your backpack so you aren’t taking up extra room and/or smacking people with your textbooks every time you turn around.
• Don’t wear too much perfume. The subway cars are poorly ventilated.
• Just because you’re in a crowd, and no one can tell you did it, don’t fart. See above reason. (*Note: I do enjoy trying to identify the perpetrator).
• Don’t block the doors. If you are blocking the doors, get off at every stop and let us off. Don’t be a dick.
• Turn down the volume on your iPod so only you can hear it. I’m not impressed you’re listening to Christina Aguilera and loving every minute of it. Not that impressed anyway.

-
There are some gray areas I’d like to address:

-
• If someone has a baby in a stroller, do we give them a seat? I thought about this for awhile and here’s what I came up with – These women had a subway seat throughout most of their pregnancy, do they need the seat now too? Are they simply having babies so they have a free seat on a busy subway? Most likely they are. Let them stand. Also, the mothers have the benefit of having a stroller to lean on. This provides something to hold onto that isn’t covered in disease like a subway pole (have you after licked food off your hand and realized the last thing you touched was a subway pole? If you have, you probably have syphilis. See a doctor).
• Should morbidly obese people get a seat? Not a chance. Besides, they’ll need two seats. Being lazy shouldn’t grant you the opportunity to be more lazy. Let them stand.
• Do not poop on the subway. Despite how funny it is, you shouldn’t do it…Unless you really really wanna.

-
An interesting dilemma:
-
Recently I was on the subway and saw a woman who was either fat in the belly or pregnant. It wasn’t clear. If I offer her the seat and she’s not pregnant, I run the risk of embarrassing her, but if I don’t give her the seat I run the risk of being an insensitive prick. I had to think quick. It seems I wasn’t the only one battling with this as no one else had offered her their seat either. Then the solution came to me. Without offering her my seat, I simply stood up and left the seat vacant.  If she’s pregnant, she’ll understand the gesture, if she’s fat, she’ll simply take the seat without knowing why I left it. I won’t lie, this social experiment had me fairly excited to see how it would conclude.
-
She took the seat, and I watched in my periphery to see what would happen next. She instantly looked up at me and said, “Thank you so much.” She then glanced around disapprovingly at everyone else who didn’t offer up their seat. In fact, the gentleman sitting next to her looked overwhelmed with guilt. Mission accomplished!
-
Are there any other subway rules I missed? Do you like the picture I created in Paint? Do you like pizza? Did anyone notice I forgot the ‘P’ in the graffiti?

Oh, and last but not least – Whitney Fucking Houston.