if geeks had their way, star wars, family ties, family tie fighter, alex p keaton, elyse keaton, mallory keaton, jennifer keaton, steven keaton

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iggy pop, music, rock, spaghetti now least popular pasta, pepperoni ruined forever, reminds people of Tori Spelling’s boobs, obesity an attractive alternative to this, can’t look up map of nile river without thinking of this, decrease in sales of snakes and ladders board game, easy to track terrifying descent of iggy’s boobs

When the Nintendo Wii was released, stores sold more consoles than you could shake a stick at, and shaking a stick is exactly what people were doing. Nintendo was taking the lazy out of videogames and everyone, including your Grandma wanted in on it. Innovative? You betcha.

My friend was lucky enough to get his hands on one and invited me over to show it off.  I wanted to see what all the motion sensing hoopla was all about so I hopped into my Mariokart and drove over ASAP. By Mariokart, I mean my Mom’s car.

Let it be known that before the Wii, I had owned every single Nintendo console since the NES (and also a Gameboy and Gameboy Advanced to boot). So I needed to see if the Wii was worth my hard earned money.

After a few fun filled hours of virtual bowling, boxing, golfing and baseball (also known as Wii Sports) I came to a tough conclusion: the Wii is fun now, but I’m fairly certain the Wii is a gimmick and like all gimmicks (and Grandma), will get old and tiresome. Unless something changed, the Wii would not include me.

When I explained my gimmick theory to others, Wii owners laughed at me and said, “Look how many consoles Nintendo is selling. How can the Wii be bad if everyone is buying it?”

Do you know how many albums Chumbawamba sold? Neither do I, and I don’t plan on pissing the night away finding out. The bottom line is sales do not equal quality. Sorry tubthumpers.

How did the Nintendo go from NES and SNES greatness to the Wii? Let’s find out.

N64 – Bingo!

Nintendo’s alienation of its fan base started with the mighty N64. Yes, the glorious N64 was the beginning of the impending end for Nintendo.

You might have fond memories of playing split screen Golden Eye, MarioKart or Starfox in your friend’s basement, sucking back beers waiting for your turn to shoot a trio of red shells at your buddies. I have plenty of those memories. I loved my N64. The four controller slots were a bonus other systems seemed to ignore and Nintendo thrived because of it. The N64 satisfied my craving for first person shooters (Golden Eye), racing games (MarioKart) and multiplayer madness (Golden Eye, Mariokart, Starfox). And Mario 64? Oh man was that game great.

But like the fat kid at a buffet, I wasn’t full. Something was missing.

I still had a hunger for sports games, role playing games, and fighting games, all of which were beautifully done on the SNES, but were either nowhere to be found or completely butchered on the N64. Where did they go and why can’t I play them on my beloved Nintendo anymore?

Because Nintendo decided to stick with cartridges, a lot of developers were unable to create games with the same scope or intricately long cut scenes that they could on a CD based console or PC. The RPG empire that was Squaresoft, who had brought the likes of Final Fantasy 3, Chrono Trigger, and Secret of Mana to the SNES refused to compromise the quality and size of their games so Nintendo lost the exclusive rights to the main Final Fantasy series and N64 had zero Final Fantasy games. Zero! It’s a disgrace. The SNES was a mecca for RPGs. Meanwhile, the new Japanese kid on the block, the underdog known as the Sony Playstation, got the masterpiece of Final Fantasy VII, a big big win for the newcomer.

Like many other Final Fantasy die-hards, I purchased a Playstation simply to play Final Fantasy VII. If that was the only game I ever played on my Playstation, I’d be happy. However, I discovered hordes of other great RPGs and a plethora of games not afraid to use blood, gore, and explicit language (Grand Theft Auto, Metal Gear, Syphon Filter, etc). For the first time, I saw there was a rich gaming world outside of the world of Nintendo. If Nintendo didn’t give me a reason to look elsewhere, I may have never known.

With the Playstation, Sony made a statement: videogames aren’t just for kids or young adults. On the other hand, Nintendo made their own statement with the N64: our videogames ARE only for kids and young adults. When I say kids’ games I mean cartooney, kid friendly games. I’m aware that some adult games were released on the N64, but for the most part the games were G-rated. Who knew that having no blood in the SNES Mortal Kombat would be the beginning of Nintendo’s strict videogame censorship.

When Street Fighter 2 came out on the SNES I would get up early just to play before school, but Street Fighter was nowhere to be found on the Nintendo 64. There are thousand mildly different versions of Street Fighter on every console, but not one on the N64.

In summary, Nintendo allowed Sony to steal a large cohort of fans by pigeonholing themselves, while Playstation awarded their users with both kid’s and adult games. Leave the censorship to the parents and have every single genre available for consumption. Why limit your audience?

GameCube: It’s no longer hip to be Square

When the GameCube was released I didn’t buy it immediately. It was the first time I wasn’t losing any sleep over not having a Nintendo console. The release games were a joke and my loyalty to Nintendo was waning. Luigi’s Mansion as a release game?

Instead, I picked up a Playstation 2, which did not disappoint. However, my love of Nintendo’s tried and true, the Marios the Zeldas, and the Metroids, eventually burrowed their way into my brain and convinced me my life wasn’t complete without a tiny square shaped gaming system sitting in my living room. So I picked up a GameCube too. The Cube did some things well, but seemed like a step down from the N64. People criticized the GameCube’s mini CDs and the baby size of the system. I stood up for Nintendo and said, “Size doesn’t matter!”, an argument all women know isn’t true.  Then Super Mario finally showed up with a talking shower-head strapped to his back and even more users flocked to Sony or the new (gigantic) powerful Xbox system.

On top of that, Square finally decided to release a Final Fantasy game for the GameCube, but Crystal Chronicles acted less like a Phoenix Down for the GameCube and more like a Ultima(te kick to the nuts). Another reminder that the good Final Fantasy games could be found over on that other system.

For the record, I really enjoyed Super Mario Sunshine, but the golden era of the SNES seemed like eons ago. Why couldn’t we get everything we wanted on one system?

All Wii have is Mario Party and games just like it

Wii=Too much crap, not enough of this.

Which brings us back to the Wii. Nintendo gambled by making the Wii underpowered in order to create a low initial price point. Compared to the Wii, the high powered PS3 cost an arm and a leg and fans were disappointed to find out that the PS3 was neither gold plated nor diamond encrusted. The gamble seemed to pay off for the Wii, with Wii Sports attracting even the non-gamers.

The initial high price of the PS3, and the a timely sale on the Xbox 360 meant I would give Microsoft’s finicky console a go. I don’t regret it for a second, nor would I had I bought a PS3. Both fine systems that share a fine library of games while both housing some nice exclusives, but in terms of sales, the Wii was still kicking their ass in a serious way. Again, the gimmick continued to wow people. Foolish.

However, the Wii did not age well. The inferior graphic capabilities were a huge mistake and often led to popular game titles being left off the Wii completely or stripped down to bare bones in order to be played on the system. Take the Call of Duty series on Wii for example, they look like PS2 games.

Guess which one of these games is for the Wii.

According to ratings on GameRankings.com:

Modern Warfare 3 on Xbox: 88%

Modern Warfare 3 on Wii: 69%

It’s rare to find a Wii game with a better rating than the same game on a different console.

Nintendo had gradually transformed themselves from a system that had it all in the SNES into a child’s system full of Mario Party and Wii Sports ripoffs. Mature gamers continued to flock to the consoles that had mature games. Let the kids and the moms have Nintendo.

Even shrinking contingent of Nintendo fanboys had to watch amazing game after amazing game come out on the other systems while they waited for the newest Zelda game to be released.

How many of the high rated, games from the second half of 2011 could you get for each system? (Skyrim, Battlefield 3, Batman Arkham City, Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3, Uncharted 3, Portal 2, Gears of War 3, Resistance 3, Halo: Anniversary Edition, Dark Souls, and Zelda Skyward Sword).

The answer:

Wii: 2 out of 11.

Xbox: 8 out of 11

PS3:  8 out of 11

Where are all the great Wii games?

Nintendo doesn’t develop all the great Wii games, there are also classics like My Little Baby and Jerry Rice and Nitus’ Dog Football!

A game about taking care of babies AND a game where you can play dog football all on one console? And look at those state of the art graphics. Wowie!

In a December 2011 IGN article, the three consoles were put head to head and the results were a kick in the nuts for the Wii.

Games with ratings 7+/10 in 2011 (mediocre games):

PS3: 149

Xbox360: 135

Wii: 44

Games with ratings 8+/10 in 2011 (good games)

PS3: 99

Xbox360: 95

Wii: 17

Games with ratings 9+/10 in 2011 (great games)

PS3: 28

Xbox360: 29

Wii: 5

5? That’s disgusting. Nintendo is waving goodbye to most of its hardcore gaming fans.

Running a sushi restaurant? What fun! Thanks Wii.

With every new console, Nintendo has been forced to rely more and more on the success of Mario and Link. How many times can these two save the Princesses before fans ask, “What else?” or Nintendo releases a dud? Thankfully Nintendo develops great games and characters or Nintendo consoles would have gone belly-up ages ago.

Anything you can do I can do better

As the price of the PS3 and Xbox 360 fell, the Wii had only its gimmicky motion sensing controller and exclusive titles to fall back on. Then, with the release of the Playstation Move and Xbox Kinect, the Wii had only it’s own games to fall back on, having essentially evicted all of its buyers except the Mario and Zelda diehards. Sure, the Move and Kinect are full of crappy games too, but those are add-ons to the console, they aren’t the console. Playstation and Microsoft have created systems that your Mom, Dad, Sister and Major League Gaming Brother can all use. No one who is serious about gaming owns only a Wii.

Yes, the Wii still has the magic of family room multiplayer, but the Wii’s online presence is embarrassing. The PS3 and Xbox 360 have created rich online networks and have made the consoles more than just an amazing multiplayer capable gaming device, but also an entertainment hub. The Wii, in its defense, does make a decent paper weight.

I Will Not be Attending Classes at Wii U in 2012

This isn't gigantic or uncomfortable to hold at all!

I hope Nintendo makes a big comeback with the Wii U because I’d like to dig into another Zelda game at some point in my life, but from what I’ve seen, the Wii U relies on a gimmick AGAIN. Virtua Boy, Wii, and 3Ds did the same and the results were blech. The only difference is that the 3Ds had an option to turn the gimmick (3D) off.

In case you haven’t heard, the Wii U controller is the gimmick. A monstrous controller with a touch screen that can interact with the onscreen game in a variety of ways. Kind of cool, but also a bulky and expensive piece of machinery that is not conducive to lengthy bouts of game playing or hardcore gaming, but no problem, Grandma only likes to play for 20 minutes at a time. Cripes, you’ll probably have to sell a kidney to afford another controller.

Didn’t the Sega Dreamcast have a screen on their controller?

I can promise using the touch screen on the controller will be fun to use at first, but the novelty of it will wear off.  It won’t be long before gamers just want to have a normal system with a normal controller with the ridiculous gimmicky add-ons as an option if they want it. I also promise that Sony and Microsoft will be waiting for more scorned Nintendo fans with open arms.

A future where Super Mario is on the Xbox or PS? The Wii U may be the console that makes this happen at some point. It may sound impossible, but Sonic the Hedgehog can not only be played on Nintendo consoles, but also appears in games with Mario. There was a time we thought that impossible too, albeit this seems less plausible.

During the first 6-months of 2011, Nintendo lost nearly a billion dollars as Wii sales plummeted. Are people getting wise to Nintendo’s gimmicks? Can the Wii U reverse this trend?

We’ll see.

You’re probably aware it’s no longer politically correct to wish people Merry Christmas if you’re not sure whether or not they celebrate Christmas. Some people get offended, frown and say, “Actually I don’t celebrate Christmas.” Because of that, the recommended phrase is “happy holidays.”

Yes, Christmas’s origins are religious, a celebration of the birth of the little tiny baby Jesus, the story with the star, the manger, the gold, frankenstein and merman. However, many people who aren’t religious celebrate Christmas and focus on the exchanging gifts and sharing drunken quality time with loved ones rather than the religious parts of it. Even good ol’ Jumpin’ Jesus could respect that (although he may not appreciate when people replace his name with an X in X-Mas).

But what about those who don’t celebrate Christmas at all?

Well, the jokes on them, because they’ve been celebrating Christmas for years without even knowing it. You know that “holiday” office party you enjoyed so much, the one with green and red streamers hanging on the wall, mistletoe dangling in the doorway, and the sweet sweet sounds of Feliz Navidad blaring in the background? Oh man, remember you made out with the chubby chick in the Santa hat? That was a Christmas party.  Without Christmas, that party wouldn’t exist.

You know all those sweet post Christmas sales that you enjoy taking advantage of? Many of those sales are there because of Christmas. So whether you like it or not, you’ve been ho-ho-ho-ing without even realizing it. No one is asking you to pledge allegiance to Jazzy Jesus, but merely to enjoy the festivities.

You know the days you get off on and around Christmas? You get those days off because of Christmas. Sure, I’d prefer the 8 days of Hanukkah off and would love to do some partying at a Hoppin’ Hannukkah or Cwazy Kwanzaa office party, but that opportunity has never presented itself to me, if it does, I’m there. So take the Christmas well wishes for what they are: well wishes. Enjoy the good times.

Still not convinced? The word “holiday” is actually derived from “holy-day”, so wishing someone happy holidays without knowing if they’re religious or not wouldn’t be politically correct either. So in the end none of us are being very PC, are we?

Merry Christmas to ALL and to ALL a good night.

The jerseys were hung in the closet with care,  
in hopes a Japanese savior, soon would be there.

The news was delayed, many fans went to bed,
while visions of Yu Darvish danced in their head.

Our chances were good, but we sensed there was danger,
Don’t steal our Japanese Jesus, born in an Osaka manger.

On Twitter and Facebook there arose such a clatter,
I sprang to the computer to see what was the matter.

On to the desktop, I flew right away,
only to be sidetracked by Shit Girls Say.

Experts said the Rangers bid a higher posting fee,
And so Toronto’s hopes for Yu Darvish took an arrow in the knee.

Although the awful news caused Jays fans to wince,
I say Merry Christmas to all, let’s go after Prince!

#1 Spite. Sometimes people don’t like you and they wish you were dead. Other times, people don’t like you and they only wish to spoil the end of Twilight for you. How dare you give away that Jacob has better abs than Edward! I wanted to find that out for myself.

#2. Once spoiled, the topic is no longer taboo. In a group setting, one person not being privy to crucial information might make the topic of such information taboo. So trying to have a group conversation about the season finale of Dexter will lead that one person to cover his ears and say repeatedly, “Lalalalalala,” causing a group conversation about that episode rather difficult. However, once the all powerful Ear-Covering-Lala barrier has been shattered and it has been revealed to that one person that Dexter’s plane crashes on a magical tropical island inhabited by polar bears in the finale, the subject has been breached and is now open for discussion.

#3. People feel important when they know something you don’t and in order to prove their importance they will lean over and whisper in your ear, “Bruce Willis’s character is actually dead” and ruin the whole goddamn movie.

#4 Payback. Remember when you blurted out to Jim how Hank Moody gets drunk/high and sleeps with some chick in Californication, essentially giving away the plot of almost every single episode? Well, Jim wasn’t thrilled about that. Now Jim is going to give away the climactic plot twist in Star Wars where Darth Vader reveals that he used to change Luke’s diaper. Uh oh!

#5 Moronosity. Most people are dumb. Take you for example. Just kidding, if you’re reading and enjoying this website than clearly your IQ must be at least 80 or 90. Anyway, some people are dumb and spoil things because of this dumbness. Shit happens, right? And you’ll explain to them that “shit happens” while you pee in their bowl of Cheerios.

Moronosity is too a word!

#6. Accidents happen. Everyone has spoiled something for someone at some point and sometimes it’s not a case of being dumb, it’s simply an innocent mistake. Just be careful not to be the spoiler on a regular basis or you’ll find out soon enough that your face is becoming a fist magnet.

#7. People cannot keep secrets. You know how everyone knows about your brief phase of sexually experimenting with goats even though the only person who knew was sworn to secrecy? Whether the secret is your strange attraction to muscular goats or the identity of Keyser Söze in The Usual Suspects, people love to blab.

Did I miss any reasons? Feel free to add your own reasons in the comments section below.

In what might be attributed to trying to keep their upper lip warm in the cold Canadian winter, Canadians have raised far more than any other country in Movember 2011 by pulling in over $33 million in the fight against prostate cancer. In second place, the Movember inventing Aussies clocked in at over $22.5 million while the U.S. managed to raise $12 million, which reportedly was raised solely by the mighty Tom Selleck. Tom’s hoping to team up with Wilford Brimley next year to double that amount.

Here, we list the Movember winners and losers.

Movember Winners

14. November, because Movember makes November THAT much better.

13. Those tiny scissors with the wonky curve in your bathroom drawer, who finally got some use.

12. That mole on your upper lip that Movember showed you how to cover up.

11. Your fingertips, who enjoyed stroking that beautiful ‘stache constantly.

10. DVD sales for Magnum PI.

9. You, for having great times growing a mustache.

8. Male bonding, as Movember allowed strangers everywhere to bond over their mutual mustache.

7. Your razor, who got a well needed rest before the holiday season.

6. Small talk, because Movember gave everyone something to talk about.

5. Your friends, who got to laugh at your face on a daily basis.

4. Real men, who got to demonstrate their manliness by growing a majestic broom under their nose.

3. Perverts, who had a whole month of blending in with the crowd.

2. The fight against the very cruel and evil prostate cancer.

1. Ladies everywhere.

Movember Losers

12. Remembrance Day, that became more about remembering it’s time to grow a mustache than remember the mustaches soldiers who fought so bravely for our freedom.

11. Creamy soups, that got lost in your face-sponge.

10. Every man who didn’t participate in Movember, and got hassled for it and will live with regret for a whole year.

9. Your razor, who dreaded the day he would have to tear down the mighty forest north of your lips.

8. Your friends, who had to look at disgusting close-up pictures of your molester-like ‘stache on Facebook.

7. Women who received pledges for their mustache.

6. Wives and Girlfriends, who have been kissing sandpaper for the last month.

5. You, for having to look at yourself in the mirror for thirty days and see the patchy, ugly, itchy caterpillar nuzzling on your upper lip.

4. Married Movember men, who have seen a steady decline in their sex life.

3. Your mother, who hated the ‘stache since day one.

2. Full-time mustache growers, who were laughed at mistakenly by people thinking their duster was for Movember only.

1. Ladies everywhere.

HYPOTHESIS:

It never hurts to ask.

RESULTS:

Asking for a punch in the face could result in getting a punch to the face.

Punches in the face can hurt.

Since asking for a punch in the face could result in getting hurt, the hypothesis “it never hurts to ask” has been rejected.

Discussion:

Sometimes it hurts to ask.

If you’ve been to enough parties, you’ve probably had a run in with these douchebags.

The “Do you like music?” Douchebag

Why it’s an act of douchebaggery: Find me a person who doesn’t like music. The DB asking this question is expecting you to reply, “yes”, with which they will counter with, “No, I mean do you really like music?”

What to expect: A conversation about obscure indie bands. Because the douchebag is aware of such bands and you are not, they must like music more than you do.

Defusing the douchebag: Simply reply, “No, I don’t like music” and walk away shaking your head, leaving the douchebag well aware that his question was moronic.

Identifying the douchebag: The douchebag can usually be seen wearing an obscure band shirt in the hopes someone will ask him about it.

 The “Are you a scotch man?” Conversation

Why it’s an act of douchebaggery: The person asking this question cares less about whether you like scotch or not, and more about impressing boring you with their knowledge of scotch.

What to expect: A conversation about how to drink scotch, what makes a good scotch, and some not so subtle hints that this person clearly thinks they are superior to everyone who doesn’t drink scotch.

Defusing the douchebag: Point to the “do you like music?” douchebag and say, “I don’t like scotch, but that guy does, go talk to him.”

Identifying the douchebag: This douchebag is usually overdressed for the party, and is smiling smugly while swirling his glass of scotch.

The Douchebag who Hits on Your Girlfriend or Wife Right in Front of You

Why it’s an act of douchebaggery: Do I really have to explain?

What to expect: The douchebag will find a common interest with your special lady. Often he will choose something you obviously wouldn’t have in common with your partner: maybe a love of horses, Twilight, or shoe shopping.  At that point, he will say, “Well if you boyfriend doesn’t want to see it with you, we should definitely go see the next Twilight movie together!”

Defusing the douchebag: A swift jab to the nose usually does the trick. The other option is to go see Twilight with your girlfriend.  So really, there’s only one option.

Identifying the douchebag: This douchebag can usually be seen pinballing from one girl to the next, while expertly deflecting the pain of rejection.

 The “I only drink imported beer” Douchebag

Why it’s an act of douchebaggery: Snobbery at its finest, this douchebag thinks everything imported must be better.

What to expect: If you’re drinking a domestic brew, be prepared to have it referred to as “piss” by this douchebag.

Defusing the douchebag: Whether it’s true or not, point out that in the country the beer they’re drinking is brewed, it’s referred to as piss by the locals.

Identifying the douchebag: This douchebag can be found turning his nose up at everyone. There’s also a good chance he’s wearing a scarf, even though he’s indoors.

 The “I only use Apple products” Douchebag

Why it’s an act of douchebaggery: This douchebag will use any and every opportunity to show you his/her brand new Apple product even if the subject of Apple, electronics, or cult worship was never breached.

What to expect: Expect unwarranted (and warranted) Microsoft bashing and trashing of any phone that doesn’t have an ‘i’ in front of its name.

Defusing the douchebag: Key the side of his/her Volkswagen.

Identifying the douchebag: He/she will be texting and playing with their phone ad nauseum.

“The only tequila I drink is Patron (or Don Julio)” Douchebag

Why it’s an act of douchebaggery: This douchebag will appear whenever tequila shots are being poured or distributed to make you feel like a less of a human being for drinking –*GASP*– a less than premium tequila.

What to expect: If you’re drinking any tequila that’s not Patron or Don Julio, be prepared to have it referred to as “piss” by this douchebag.

Identifying the douchebag: This douchebag blends into his surroundings seamlessly, only to appear when tequila is being shot, and not sipped. This douchebag is often also known for being the “I only drink Grey Goose” douchebag.

Obama and I would exchange low-fives. “What’s up B-Rawk?” I’d ask. I liked to call him B-Rawk.

“Can you please stop calling me B-Rawk?” He didn’t like when I called him B-Rawk. That’s so like him.

We’d be sitting at McDonald’s. B-Rawk said McDonald’s represents a lot of jobs for America and it will help with his public image. Me? I like their fries. I’d be eating a McChicken combo, he’d be eating a Quarter Pounder with Cheese combo. Both fine choices. He would ask if we could get our meals super-sized. I said, “Yes we can.”

He didn’t react. The joke was lost on him.

“O-Bomb, the American economy isn’t doing too well. People are angry and frustrated.”

I’d been avoiding bringing this up, but felt like it was time we talked about it. Best friends talk, I’m sure of it.

“Please don’t call me O-Bomb either. Yeah, the economy is weak in the US right now, but to be fair, it’s been pretty bad worldwide. As a country, we just have to be more responsible with our money, and we need to create new jobs. We have to work together to make things right.”

I hadn’t been listening to his answer. I was thinking about when it would be appropriate to ask if he could smell what Barack was cooking and more importantly, I needed to know what he was drinking. He had pressed all the bubbles on the lid of the cup so it was impossible to tell. There needs to be some kind of fail-safe that prevents multiple bubbles from being pressed down at the same time, unless of course, the second bubble is “diet.”

I tried to pretend I had been listening. “What you say is true. Is that orange soda you’re drinking? What were we talking about?”

I was clearly flustered.

For the love of God, what is he drinking?

“We were talking about the global economy.” He sipped his mystery beverage and carefully placed a few fries in his mouth. He didn’t dip them in ketchup. Good choice, McDonald’s fries don’t need ketchup. I respect him for that decision.

I tried to return to the topic at hand. “The global economy, of course. Wacky stuff, right? So, um, B.O., do you think you’ll get re-elected or what? And as a follow-up question, is that Sprite you’re drinking?”

I was nervous. I casually took a bite of my McChicken, but managed to drop glob of mayo on my crotch. I checked to see if B-Rawk had noticed. He was laughing, but then nodded as if to say, it’s okay. All was well…or was it? What was in the cup!?!

“So you asked if I think I’ll be re-elected? That’s up to the American people, isn’t it? Also, please don’t call me B.O. It sounds like you’re calling me Body Odor.”

I just called the president Body Odor. God, I’m an idiot. On another note, Body Odor’s answer to my question was a huge cop out. He’d also dodged my questions about his soft drink. Why are they called soft drinks anyway? As opposed to hard drinks? Is it a matter of alcohol content or just a reference to it’s scientific state of matter? I’m not calling them soft drinks again until I understand the term.

Sensing my frustration, the Prez spoke up, “You don’t seem happy with my answer. Truth be told, the other candidates are so awful I might be voted back in, and hey, check out my new motto: “Not George Bush.”

Mr. P was right, he wasn’t George Bush. That guy was the laughing stock of the entire planet, but at least he would have told me what kind of flipping beverage he was enjoying with his QP with Cheese. Why won’t Big Mama Obama tell me what he was drinking? It was time to confront him.

“Look man, I’ve asked you twice and you haven’t answered.” My face had grown beet red. Beads of sweat formed on my brow. “What goddamn flavor of tasty carbonated beverage are you drinking!?! Tell me, or I swear to God, I will destroy you.”

He looked shocked and I don’t blame him, I overreacted. To give him credit, he stayed composed. Being a president you have to know how to keep your composure. After calling off his security guards, he held his hands up in front of him in a peaceful gesture. “Relax my friend. You ordered my meal for me, remember? You insisted I get the Quarter Pounder combo and said I could not, under any circumstances, use ketchup on my fries. Does that ring a bell?”

He was right.

Is Ronald McDonald getting creepier? I think he is.

B-Rawk was drinking root beer. I had explained how underrated root beer was and that people have the common misconception root beer is for kids. I had known what he was drinking all along and had managed to ruin our entire lunch together. I had failed as a best friend. My head fell into my hands and I began to sob. “Now you probably hate me,” I gasped.

“Not at all. Things like this happen,” he said, patting me on the back. “We’re still friends.”

He didn’t say best friends though and I think I caught him rolling his eyes. I could feel our friendship crumbling away. Maybe I could still salvage this friendship. I tried the nickname I had been saving for last, “President Obama, do you mind if I call you La Bamba?”

With his hand on my shoulder, he smiled and said, “Not a chance,” then motioned for security to step in.

While being dragged away, I looked the President in the eyes and asked, “Can you smell what Barack is cooking?”

I’m not positive, but I think he heard me and I think he smiled.