Commandeered the beard. Rewind two-years ago. After conquering Europe with a pack strapped to my back I realized I accomplished something more amazing than I ever thought I would or could.  Climbing the steps of the Eiffel Tower? Seeing the Sistine Chapel? Touching the remnants of the Berlin wall? No, no, and no. This was something much greater. A friend and I made a pact not to shave for the duration of the trip. A pact that made us men. Real men. The result, for me, was one incredibly patchy, yet beautiful beard. My friend and I? Well, our friendship, like our beards, grew by leaps and bounds by sharing in one of men’s greatest and oldest traditions. The growing of beards.

Jeered the beard. Insulting a beard is like insulting a man’s penis size. It challenges their manhood. With this in mind, some never attempt to grow a beard in fear his manhood will be challenged.

Feared the beard. Fear of failure and inadequacy can make our decisions for us.  Fear of not being able to grow an adequate beard is no different. But we never know unless we try. This is a fear we must overcome to reach our manliness potential.

Appeared the beard. Fast forward to one month ago, when I put down my razor and decided it was time to climb that hairy mountain again (no, I’m not talking about dating your mom). It was time to grow a beard. This time, I was going solo. I needed to learn more about myself and go through the trials and tribulations of beardness on my own. Over the course of this month long journey I’ve realized that unless you’re on a deserted island, you never go through the beard growing process on your own.

Cheered the beard. People  everywhere have been supporting and sponsoring my beard through its weakest stages. Morning meetings at work unexpectedly turned into a forum for the discussion of beards. Men shared their beard experiences with me over a cold beer and hot wings. Together we analyzed the strong and weak points of my beard and where it has been filling in nicely. Whenever I contemplated shaving, someone would tell me how beautifully it was coming along. If I could knit a sweater from my beard to thank everyone who helped me, I would.

Revered the beard. On the streets, and out in the city, I’ve been appreciating the beards of others. Hoping one day my beard could be as strong as theirs.

Persevered the beard. So please join me in wishing my beard a happy 1-month beard-day, and wishing my beard and I a happy beard-iversary.

Sheared the beard? Where this relationship will end I don’t know and like any good fling, sometimes it’s best not to ask. When the time comes, I’ll know. We’ll know (my beard and me). But in the meantime, I know we won’t be alone. We’ll have each other.

Premiered the beard. I have no pictures of my beard today, but I’ll get some. Maybe we can compare it to my Europe beard and see if this one is better. Maybe that’s not fair to this beard though. Either way, it looks like my beard and I will be busy together all weekend.

Pioneered the beard. Did you ever wonder why wise men usually have beards? Grow a beard and you’ll find out. Did you ever wonder why people who have their heart broken, lose their jobs, or are homeless grow beards? It’s because when you have a beard you’re never alone. Never. You always have a friend giving you a big warm, fuzzy hug.

From my beard and I to you, happy Friday.

I turned on my MP3 player this morning and set it to random. The first song it picked, Thank God it’s Monday, by NOFX. I’m not a big believer in fate unless it has positive connotations. It’s just another way to keep me smiling when most people aren’t. Therefore, today is going to be a good one. Please, don’t shit on my parade.

If you hate Mondays you hate 1/7th of every week of your life. That’s over 14% of your working life that you’re going to hate just because you’ve made up your mind that Mondays suck. Why not make Mondays not suck?

Today I’d like you to step back and enjoy what you have in life. Forget the crappiness that can hover over your head like a storm cloud (especially on Mondays) and focus on those special people, moments, and passions in your life that make you happy. There’s a good chance we’re not going to get everything we want in life, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t appreciate those things which we’ve already checked off on our life’s to-do list.

For those with a focus on financial success, remember people who already have financial success are not problem free. Mo’ money, mo’ problems. Career success is not found in a large salary, it’s found in doing something you truly love. If you can find financial success doing what you love, keep on truckin’.

For those looking for the right partner, keep at it. For everyone you see who is with the right person, there are twice as many with the wrong. Embrace your independence, stay confident and you’ll meet the Ms. or Mr. right.

Take chances. I’m begging you to try new things. Life can be really vanilla if you don’t open yourself up to new experiences. Travel, try new foods, meet new people, and soak up the experience along the way. So many of you have made your minds up on things you haven’t tried. When faced with a new experience, ask yourself, “What’s the worst thing that could happen?” and, “What’s the best thing that can happen?” Maximize the potential for greatness rather than ensuring the mediocrity of the familiar. I know there’s free salad and bread, but try eating somewhere else besides East Side Mario’s.

Do what you love, if possible as a career, if not, as a hobby, and you’ll find life much more enjoyable. If you love to make art, paint. If you love to play sports, play. If you love to make music, make music. If you love to write, write. Don’t worry about whether it’s going to make you money or not and don’t worry if you’re good at it or not. It doesn’t matter. What matters is you’re doing something you love and the satisfaction of that will leak into other aspects of your life. I promise.

Give your loved ones a hug, enjoy the sunrise or sunset, and explore your passions. Most importantly, be careful not to get stuck in a rut. Don’t wait for someone else to change your fortunes, do it yourself.

If you want to live, live. TGIM.

If you want to laugh, smile and be happy, watch this clip from the movie 500 Days of Summer:

So when I say crotch punching I don’t mean punching someone in the nuts or in the box. That’s not cool. Ever. Clear?

Ok, so next time you’re passing through a turnstile, as your crotch punches the turnstile into motion, I want you to think of just how many groins and genitals have nudged the turnstile into rotation. Millions? Billions? That’s a lot of crotch power. There aren’t many things we jab with our crotches besides other people’s crotches, and maybe other people’s cabooses (if that’s what you’re into and if your partner will let you), so one should really appreciate it when it happens.

I dub today International Crotch Power Day, AKA ICP Day, not to be confused with Insane Clown Posse Day. Them, you can punch in the nuts.

Well, what are you waiting for? Go and lend your crotch to a good cause.

Enjoy your weekend.

Now that jeans are acceptable at most of the choosier restaurants and clubs, providing they’re accompanied with something relatively dressy such as a blazer and or tie, there’s no reason not to wear jeans all the time. Want some more reasons? Sure you do.

Jeans are the ninjas of pants. If you wear leather pants, cords, shorts, or khakis day after day, people will notice. They’ll say, “Hey, there goes Larry Leather Pants.” or “Oh Corrina Corduroy wears her cords all week long. Thinks she’s soooo cool.”  Not to say there isn’t a time or place for these pants, but wearing them every day? Don’t be stupid. The jean, however, slips seamlessly (NPI) into everyday life. No one even notices. Heck, I’ve been wearing the same jeans for 3 months and no one has said a thing. Note: exceptions include: jeans that are too tight, too short, not blue, or have ridiculous designs on them. These can be worn, but not every day.

Jeans help you figure out what job is right for you. If your job doesn’t let you wear jeans, I think it’s pretty clear you should look for another job. Large salary, company car, great benefits: all these things are worthless if you can’t work comfortably in jeans. Who are they to tell me what kind of pants to wear? That’s pantism, which in some circles is as bad as racism. Look at your legs right now, if they’re not draped in jeans and you’re at work, stand up and leave. Now.

Jeans are casual and professional. Jeans can do it all. How many pants are as versatile as jeans? Jogging pants can’t be professional. Yoga pants? Not unless you’re teaching yoga. Jeans and a T-shirt = Ya, you’re cool. Jeans and a blazer = Oooh, business savvy, rawr!

Jeans are durable. In a pant fight, jeans would beat the hell out of most pants. I saw a recent fight where jeans took on capri pants. It ended with the jeans crapping lint all over the capris. Don’t believe me? Fuck you.

Jeans unite the world. City folk and country bumpkins don’t have a lot in common, but jeans bring them together and act as a wonderful ice breaker. I’m not sure how many women I hooked up with in Alabama using a good jean pickup line. People from all walks of life wear jeans. Rich people, poor people and everyone in between. How many poor people do you see wearing Armani slacks? Do you think jeans favor one race over another? Hells no. Jeans are equal opportunity pants and act as an example not only to all pants, but to all people.

So if you want to be a ninja working in the right profession who is both casual and professional, durable, not elitist or racist you should wear some jeans and at the same time, try to be more like jeans.

Jeans. They’re not only pants, they’re role models too. Might I suggest you send this post to non-jeaners to show them what they’re missing? Perhaps you should send it to jeaners too, remind them they’re doing the right thing. Jeantastic!

The majority of people in this world are not punctual and when you have two people together it becomes even more difficult to depart on time. But you might not be the person who is bringing the duo down. You’re not the one who can’t decide on an outfit or can’t get your hair just right. It’s them. Oh yes, they’re bringing you down at every special occasion or time dependent get together.

By “them” I’m not specifically referring to ladies as the late ones. I’ve seen some men who (are disgraceful to all men) spend just as much time on their hair and clothing choices. These steps can apply to both men and women, but have only been tested on women.

People tend to be late by the same amount of time every time. It’s crucial to find this time. It might be 15 minutes or half an hour. If it’s an hour or more, God help you. The reason they’re always this late is because they don’t get into panic mode until it’s already overtime. Find out when their panic mode starts. The best way to describe panic mode is to think of when you were in school, the day before an assignment was due. You stayed up till 5AM to get the assignment done when you were given month to do it. Why didn’t you do it before the last day? Easy, you needed to be in panic mode. Tardy people don’t get their act together till it’s too late. Their panic mode doesn’t kick in early enough.

Before I lay out the necessary steps of induced punctuality, you must realize tardy people are usually so busy slowly getting ready or avoiding getting ready they will take your word for almost anything. Exploit this.

Step 1. Have them lay out their outfit and accessories the day before. Believe it or not, girls like to do this and sometimes only need it to be suggested. If they don’t like to do this, suggest you both lay out your clothes. Couples like to do things together. This step isn’t enough, because now they’re even more lax the next day and will doddle knowing they’ve already completed something. That’s where the rest of the steps come in.

Step 2. Adjust the departure and arrival time. Set the ETD and ETA earlier than they need to be (e.g. if you want to leave at noon, tell them you need to leave at 11:30AM). Do this the day before. Warning: if they question your departure and/or arrival time make up a lie about expected traffic or bad weather.

Note: This step works especially well for road trips with friends. Tell them your departure time is an hour ahead of when you actually want to leave because you can always count on people being late.

Step 3. Get them ahead of schedule without them knowing it. Do this by setting the alarm earlier than planned. This might involve changing the clock(s), but if it works, they’re going to be ‘X’ minutes ahead of schedule without knowing it. The key is they cannot know they are ahead of schedule. Step 4 explains why.

Step 4. Induce panic mode. This is the most crucial step, because without panic mode the doing of hair or makeup can take 5 times as long with little to no difference in your partner’s appearance. It is important not to have any clocks visible where they’re doing their hair or makeup. Usually this is done in the bathroom, so that helps. When it’s time for them to do their makeup or hair tell them (with panic in your voice) it’s 15 minutes later than it really is or you have to leave fifteen minutes sooner than you actually need to. Like I said, they’ll take your word for it. This comment will send them into a frenzy. In panic mode it will appear as if they’re on speed or PEDs. You’ve got them moving like they’re already late, but, really, you’re well ahead of schedule. Do a celebratory fist pump.

At the end of these steps you’ll notice you’re leaving later than the fake departure time you gave them, but earlier than the actual departure time. So they think they’re late, but they’re not. However, if you notice they’re still running behind, increase the panic in your voice. Panic is contagious! “Quick! Hurry! Come on, come on!”

Also, try to give them options. People who are late are often poor at prioritizing. Some things can be done later. For example, they can do their makeup in the bathroom at the event, or apply their lipstick in the car.

If you fail.You can’t win them all. There’s a point where you might realize you’re not going to be on time. Pour yourself a drink and get comfortable. It’s not the end of the world.

BONUS Step. If you leave on time. Praise them for getting ready so quickly. After lying to your better half about the time and your schedule, it’s not a bad idea to let them know how much you appreciate their effort. Tell them they look great (they probably do). If they question you about the time, point out you only did it to make sure you left on time, and also point out if you hadn’t you’d probably be running late. Do this sincerely, but gently and throw in an apology. They’re usually so relieved they’re on time they’ll forgive you. Also, this reinforces the behavior and you’ll notice that in no time, your better half is punctual without these trick. Who knew!?!

If you have a friend who is always late for things because of their partner, send over this link. Do them a favor. Compare results and leave an anonymous comment. Cheers.
Note – My girlfriend is very punctual now (and always super cool) which is why I’m confident posting this won’t lead to my early demise. If you don’t hear from me for a while, you’ll know I was wrong. She cared. I did it all for you guys. No, the picture is not her.

My problem is with people who leave a message that’s one sound – *click*. Before you pick up the phone to call someone decide if you want to leave a message or not. Don’t wait for the beep before you hang-up,  dumbass.

If you’re thinking, what’s the big deal? Just erase it. <– Screw you.

On my cellphone I have to call my voicemail, enter a 4 digit passcode, listen to the phone company’s recorded message to tell me I have 3 new messages, then I have to hit ’11′ in order to listen to my unheard messages, and then, and then, and then!!! I have to hear the sound of someone hanging up because they lost their nerve at the last minute. This process takes up to 3 minutes. 3 minutes of my life wasted because you don’t have the balls to say, “Hey, it’s Jim. Give me a call back.” or “Hi, it’s Barbara. Drinks at 7pm. See you there.” What’s worse, is when they call back and leave the same hang-up message. Undeniable proof of their stupidity. When the prerecorded message came on informing them to “leave a message after the beep” were they so surprised they were rendered speechless?

My voicemail can only hold 5 messages. I’m not a drug dealer or a pimp, that should be enough. But it’s not sometimes because when you leave a non-message you’re taking up room for a real message that can be left by someone who has a real brain.

If you’re thinking, if you answered your phone, maybe your messages wouldn’t get backed up. <– You are really pissing me off. What is your problem!?!

Sometimes I’m on the subway, sometimes I don’t hear the phone or sometimes I’m at a place where having your ringer on isn’t polite (like the movies) or maybe I’m screening my calls from people who don’t understand the simple concept of hanging up before the beep or leaving a message after.

So if you phone me, leave a message if you get past the beep. Anything. Even if it’s just your name or a funny word like, “booger”. At least I can get a laugh out of it.

It feels really good to vent on a Friday. I’m not angry, I just write like I am sometimes. Have a good weekend everyone.

Any beefs today?

8. They’re nice. So your boyfriend or girlfriend is really nice. You don’t hate them, but you don’t really like being with them all that much. Whatever reason you don’t want to be with someone is enough.  You don’t have to prove anything to anyone. Unfortunately, sometimes you have to hurt nice people, but it’s better than living a lie. Ok, let’s move on.
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7. The misconception relationships are always a certain way. Not all relationships involve the stripping of personal freedoms. Just because Toby’s girlfriend cuts him off after two drinks doesn’t mean all girlfriends will do the same. And don’t think for a second that because Polly’s boyfriend is a jealous asshole who won’t let her talk to other guys that all men are like that. The point is, whatever preconceived notions you have about relationships aren’t necessarily true, but having such notions will usually ensure they happen. It’s called a self-fulfilling prophecy.
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There are people out there that will let you be you. Amazing, I know. There is only one stipulation to finding someone like that. You must grant them the same freedoms without question. Because, hey, nobody likes a hypocrite.
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6. You can’t stand to be on your own. Learn how to be independent. Being dependent is a weakness that will hinder you in so many areas of life. If you can learn to be independent it will allow you to pick and choose the right person rather than latching on to every person who smiles at you.
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5. Too much comfort. Finally! After years and years she doesn’t seem to mind when you let one rip in front of her. Heck, she even gives you a Dutch Oven now and then. Now, despite the fact that you hate each other you don’t want to give up your comfortable old shoe of a relationship. You can’t go back to the no fart zone and let all your hard work go to waste, you’ve been breaking each other in for years now. Bullshit, your life is boring, but comfortable and you’ve forgot there’s fun to be had. Wake up.
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4. Picking up can be a hassle. The dating scene can be exhausting, but that doesn’t mean you should stay with Jerky MacJerkerson. Sure, it can be a pain in the ass to find a great companion, but be patient, have more faith in yourself, and realize there is absolutely nothing wrong with being single. Also, stop looking for that special someone in dance clubs or grubby bars. Those are one night stand places. Try school, work, house parties, or other social gatherings so you can meet people through conversation, and not through grinding your dink into their lower back.
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3. The classic – “I’m looking for someone else, but in the meantime….” The longer you stick it out in a placeholder relationship, the more difficult it’s going to be to escape. Suddenly, it’s not just the girl you’re breaking up with, but it’s her family, the ride they give you to work, those sweet season tickets, and that after work BJ. If only you had ended this on the second date when the thought first crossed your mind. Sure, you’ll lose some perks, but no one said you wouldn’t have to make a few sacrifices.
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Also, how terrible is it that you’re misleading this person while you search for someone better? Don’t stick with the clunky old car because it’s sitting in the driveway, try searching a couple parking lots for something that rides a little smoother and has better options. That’s a lame analogy, but you know what I mean.
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2. Constant Action. People are hooked on the constant supply of sex. This is why so many couples break up, get back together, break up, get back together etc. They’re weening themselves off constant sex. They really need to develop some kind of patch for that. Cut your losses and stop using one another as a placeholder. Despite what your genitalia are preaching to you, trading your freedom for action isn’t worth it.
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1. The #1 reason why you are still dating the person that makes your life hell is because it drives you crazy to imagine them having sex with someone else. No, your ex is not going to become a priest or a nun. Yes, they will bump uglies with someone else. This should not be the deciding factor in staying with someone. Grow up, move on, and let them do the same.  I can guarantee you this, when you find someone new and amazing, you’ll actually want your ex to meet someone new and you won’t give a rat’s ass who’s lying naked on top of them. Eureka.
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If you think this is about you then you’re probably in a hopeless relationship. Hit the eject button.

Drink lots and lots of booze. The end.
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Just kidding.
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Many people suffer from insomnia. I did in my first year of college. It was awful. It took a while to figure out, but I examined my life closely and came up with some key reasons for my insomnia and here’s what I found:
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1. I drank 5 times a week. Not casual drinking, but heavy, heavy drinking. First year of college was easy so I had myself a good time.  I slept fine on those nights, but heavy drinking leads to REM (rapid eye movement) rebound. Basically, because you’re in such a deep sleep when sleep is induced by alcohol or heavy drugs, your body goes straight into deep sleep. This is why your friends can draw all over your face without you waking up. However, because you stay in the deep stages of sleep you skip out on the REM stage (the stage of sleep when you dream).  So the next time you try to sleep without alcohol or drugs your body will try to catch up on REM sleep. Thus, your night will be full of vivid dreams and when you wake up, you won’t feel particularly rested. The solution – slow down your drinking and get back into regular stages of sleep. This is why on Mondays you might not feel as rested as you should if you partied hard on Saturday.
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2. I had high anxiety. This might of been a result of alcohol withdrawal or the relationship I was in at the time or a combination of both. Find out what is making your life stressful and eliminate it. No, don’t kill your significant other, just sit down and discuss some of the things they do that wind you up, or if that doesn’t work, part ways. You’d be surprised how infectious anxiety is. If you hate your job, find another. If your life is meaningless, find meaning. If school is stressing you out, get organized and do your work well before it’s due. Think of when you have a job interview the next day and how being nervous or excited about it can keep you up at night.  Often times, people with insomnia have this anxious feeling all the time and don’t even realize it. They don’t remember what it’s like to be relaxed. I know, this step especially is not as easy as I’m making it out to be but, believe me, when you make that change, things will be better.
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3. There is too much noise. I lived in residence. People were partying somewhere in the building at all times of the day and night. When you have insomnia, all the little things chew at your brain. They might not be the main reason you can’t sleep, but they add to it. Put on some white noise. I’m a big supporter of the fan (fan of the fan, nyuk nyuk), but find something that works for you.
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4. Don’t do anything else in your bed besides sleeping and the nasty. In residence I used my bed as a couch. I watched TV and played videogames there all the time. Our bodies are easily conditioned. If you watch TV or play on your computer in bed, your mind and body won’t associate the bed with sleep. If you just sleep in your bed, your body will begin to learn to shutdown when you hop in the sack. This might take a while, so be patient. When you’re suffering from insomnia you’re also making your body associate the bed with being awake. So get up, clear your head, and try again.
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5. Racing thoughts make it nearly impossible to sleep. I find Sundays are the worst for this because you reflect on the whole week. To clear your head, try reading before bed. Another technique I’ve been using recently is to think of nothingness, darkness (not evil darkness, but a lack of light). The more you think of things, the harder it is to let your mind shut down and fall asleep.
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6. Deep breathing. Have you ever noticed how you can tell someone is sleeping by the way their breathing changes? Try mimicking this slow/deep breathing. It’s very relaxing and can have you drifting away before you know it. Also, if you’re focusing on your breathing, your not paying as much attention to your overactive mind and when you’re sleep deprived, some of the thoughts that cross your mind are not particularly sane.
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There are a million different strategies to curing insomnia, these are just the ones that worked for me. Mainly, step 1 and 2 are most important. Simply put, ease up on the booze and the anxiety.
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If you have any other tips, post them in the comment box. Hopefully, we can help a few people. Sleep well this weekend folks.

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At least once in your life, most likely after watching a vampire flick or a movie involving a fountain of youth, you will ask yourself and your friends what the ideal age is. What age would you like to remain forever?
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Popular answers are usually in the 20s and that’s understandable. Our 20s are when we’re young and vital. Our physical peak. Before the wrinkles, sagging, and the gut your wife says is cute or your husband says you don’t have (they’re lying). Some might say early 20s, but I’m not sure people will take someone so fresh faced seriously. I’m thinking more mid to late 20s.
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I think I’ve figured out my ideal age. You see, every so often I decide to try to grow a beard. I’m not horrible at it, but I’m no Abe Lincoln (oddly, that’s the first bearded guy that comes to mind). Let’s just say my beard is a little patchy in spots. A few puzzle pieces are missing. I see myself in the mirror and think, until I can fill in those voids, my life is incomplete. But every time I try to grow it, it’s a little less patchy than the time before. So I decided yesterday, the age I’d like to stay forever is the age when I can grow a full and beautiful beard. My life will be nearly complete. It’s on my life’s to-do list right after writing a bestselling novel.
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For those of you who could grow a full beard by the age of 12, what do we call you, oh yes, Italians, your ideal age might be a little harder to figure out. Maybe the age before your back hair got out of hand. I kid, I kid. I’m just jealous of your full beard.
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For those men who can’t grow a beard and will never be able to (i.e. lesser men), at least you don’t have to shave everyday. That’s a plus isn’t it, champ?
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For women, it’s much more difficult and probably not shaving related. Unless it was when you could properly shave a lightning bolt into your … Nevermind.
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So my question to you is: what would your ideal age be and why?

(For the Slap-Chop Remix – Click Here)