As we tripped on Monday and stumbled our way uphill over Tuesday, we reached the hump that is Wednesday and, dammit, we earned the right to sit back, bask in the sunshine, smile and say, “It’s all downhill from here.” With the weekend fast approaching and that dreaded Monday in our rearview mirror we can finally begin thinking of, first, a reason to drink a little bit of alcohol and then, second, what alcohol we’d like to imbibe.  A weekly ritual that never seems to grow old, but as we grow old the ritual often becomes surrounded with more busy work and trivial happenings as adulthood slowly drowns our livelihood in a pot of lukewarm coffee and ulcer causing stomach acid. Geez, now I really need a beer.

I swore I wouldn’t be working for the weekend, and yet here I am, fingers grudgingly typing emails and dialing telephones while the sun shines outside and people sip cold beer on patios, then laugh, and talk about how late they slept in this morning. Did we all think we could overcome the societal pressures and live our dream life or was that just me?  How come I’m not traipsing across a beach outside my ocean-side residence, retired before my 30s? When did RRSPs,  stock options and interest rates start mattering? Is acceptance of an ordinary life the next step in growing up? Is it time to throw in the towel? Something tells me it is.

Kidding. I will constantly try, sometimes harder than others, to live the life I’ve always wanted to live and if I get even close, great, if not at least I tried, and that’s gotta count for something, right? So here’s to keeping our dreams alive even if, in the end, they are just dreams. We need them. They keep us active, motivated and excited for what tomorrow has to offer, even if what you do tomorrow turns out to be watching reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond. At least you were excited about it.

Oddly enough, just now I got email confirmation that I’ve been accepted to the school of my dreams. Life is looking up. Now this is a fist pumping moment.

Did you think because of the title this was going to be about masturbation? Is that why you’re here? Disgusting.

Commandeered the beard. Rewind two-years ago. After conquering Europe with a pack strapped to my back I realized I accomplished something more amazing than I ever thought I would or could.  Climbing the steps of the Eiffel Tower? Seeing the Sistine Chapel? Touching the remnants of the Berlin wall? No, no, and no. This was something much greater. A friend and I made a pact not to shave for the duration of the trip. A pact that made us men. Real men. The result, for me, was one incredibly patchy, yet beautiful beard. My friend and I? Well, our friendship, like our beards, grew by leaps and bounds by sharing in one of men’s greatest and oldest traditions. The growing of beards.

Jeered the beard. Insulting a beard is like insulting a man’s penis size. It challenges their manhood. With this in mind, some never attempt to grow a beard in fear his manhood will be challenged.

Feared the beard. Fear of failure and inadequacy can make our decisions for us.  Fear of not being able to grow an adequate beard is no different. But we never know unless we try. This is a fear we must overcome to reach our manliness potential.

Appeared the beard. Fast forward to one month ago, when I put down my razor and decided it was time to climb that hairy mountain again (no, I’m not talking about dating your mom). It was time to grow a beard. This time, I was going solo. I needed to learn more about myself and go through the trials and tribulations of beardness on my own. Over the course of this month long journey I’ve realized that unless you’re on a deserted island, you never go through the beard growing process on your own.

Cheered the beard. People  everywhere have been supporting and sponsoring my beard through its weakest stages. Morning meetings at work unexpectedly turned into a forum for the discussion of beards. Men shared their beard experiences with me over a cold beer and hot wings. Together we analyzed the strong and weak points of my beard and where it has been filling in nicely. Whenever I contemplated shaving, someone would tell me how beautifully it was coming along. If I could knit a sweater from my beard to thank everyone who helped me, I would.

Revered the beard. On the streets, and out in the city, I’ve been appreciating the beards of others. Hoping one day my beard could be as strong as theirs.

Persevered the beard. So please join me in wishing my beard a happy 1-month beard-day, and wishing my beard and I a happy beard-iversary.

Sheared the beard? Where this relationship will end I don’t know and like any good fling, sometimes it’s best not to ask. When the time comes, I’ll know. We’ll know (my beard and me). But in the meantime, I know we won’t be alone. We’ll have each other.

Premiered the beard. I have no pictures of my beard today, but I’ll get some. Maybe we can compare it to my Europe beard and see if this one is better. Maybe that’s not fair to this beard though. Either way, it looks like my beard and I will be busy together all weekend.

Pioneered the beard. Did you ever wonder why wise men usually have beards? Grow a beard and you’ll find out. Did you ever wonder why people who have their heart broken, lose their jobs, or are homeless grow beards? It’s because when you have a beard you’re never alone. Never. You always have a friend giving you a big warm, fuzzy hug.

From my beard and I to you, happy Friday.

I turned on my MP3 player this morning and set it to random. The first song it picked, Thank God it’s Monday, by NOFX. I’m not a big believer in fate unless it has positive connotations. It’s just another way to keep me smiling when most people aren’t. Therefore, today is going to be a good one. Please, don’t shit on my parade.

If you hate Mondays, you hate 1/7th of every week of your life. That’s over 14% of your working life that you’re going to hate just because you’ve made up your mind that Mondays suck. Why not make Mondays not suck?

Today I’d like you to step back and enjoy what you have in life. Forget the crappiness that can hover over your head like a storm cloud (especially on Mondays) and focus on those special people, moments, and passions in your life that make you happy. There’s a good chance we’re not going to get everything we want in life, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t appreciate those things which we’ve already checked off on our life’s to-do list.

For those with a focus on financial success, remember people who already have financial success are not problem free. Mo’ money, mo’ problems. Career success is not found in a large salary, it’s found in doing something you truly love. If you can find financial success doing what you love, keep on truckin’.

For those looking for the right partner, keep at it. For everyone you see who is with the right person, there are twice as many with the wrong. Embrace your independence, stay confident and you’ll meet the Ms. or Mr. right.

Take chances. I’m begging you to try new things. Life can be really vanilla if you don’t open yourself up to new experiences. Travel, try new foods, meet new people, and soak up the experience along the way. So many of you have made your minds up on things you haven’t tried. When faced with a new experience, ask yourself, “What’s the worst thing that could happen?” and, “What’s the best thing that can happen?” Maximize the potential for greatness rather than ensuring the mediocrity of the familiar. I know there’s free salad and bread, but try eating somewhere else besides East Side Mario’s.

Do what you love, if possible as a career, if not, as a hobby, and you’ll find life much more enjoyable. If you love to make art, paint. If you love to play sports, play. If you love to make music, make music. If you love to write, write. Don’t worry about whether it’s going to make you money or not and don’t worry if you’re good at it or not. It doesn’t matter. What matters is you’re doing something you love and the satisfaction of that will leak into other aspects of your life. I promise.

Give your loved ones a hug, enjoy the sunrise or sunset, and explore your passions. Most importantly, be careful not to get stuck in a rut. Don’t wait for someone else to change your fortunes, do it yourself.

If you want to live, live.

So when I say crotch punching I don’t mean punching someone in the nuts or in the box. That’s not cool. Ever. Clear?

Ok, so next time you’re passing through a turnstile, as your crotch punches the turnstile into motion, I want you to think of just how many groins and genitals have nudged the turnstile into rotation. Millions? Billions? That’s a lot of crotch power. There aren’t many things we jab with our crotches besides other people’s crotches, and maybe other people’s cabooses (if that’s what you’re into and if your partner will let you), so one should really appreciate it when it happens.

I dub today International Crotch Power Day, AKA ICP Day, not to be confused with Insane Clown Posse Day. Them, you can punch in the nuts.

Well, what are you waiting for? Go and lend your crotch to a good cause.

Enjoy your weekend.

Now that jeans are acceptable at most of the choosier restaurants and clubs, providing they’re accompanied with something relatively dressy such as a blazer and or tie, there’s no reason not to wear jeans all the time. Want some more reasons? Sure you do.

Jeans are the ninjas of pants. If you wear leather pants, cords, shorts, or khakis day after day, people will notice. They’ll say, “Hey, there goes Larry Leather Pants.” or “Oh Corrina Corduroy wears her cords all week long. Thinks she’s soooo cool.”  Not to say there isn’t a time or place for these pants, but wearing them every day? Don’t be stupid. The jean, however, slips seamlessly (NPI) into everyday life. No one even notices. Heck, I’ve been wearing the same jeans for 3 months and no one has said a thing. Note: exceptions include: jeans that are too tight, too short, not blue, or have ridiculous designs on them. These can be worn, but not every day.

Jeans help you figure out what job is right for you. If your job doesn’t let you wear jeans, I think it’s pretty clear you should look for another job. Large salary, company car, great benefits: all these things are worthless if you can’t work comfortably in jeans. Who are they to tell me what kind of pants to wear? That’s pantism, which in some circles is as bad as racism. Look at your legs right now, if they’re not draped in jeans and you’re at work, stand up and leave. Now.

Jeans are casual and professional. Jeans can do it all. How many pants are as versatile as jeans? Jogging pants can’t be professional. Yoga pants? Not unless you’re teaching yoga. Jeans and a T-shirt = Ya, you’re cool. Jeans and a blazer = Oooh, business savvy, rawr!

Jeans are durable. In a pant fight, jeans would beat the hell out of most pants. I saw a recent fight where jeans took on capri pants. It ended with the jeans crapping lint all over the capris. Don’t believe me? Fuck you.

Jeans unite the world. City folk and country bumpkins don’t have a lot in common, but jeans bring them together and act as a wonderful ice breaker. I’m not sure how many women I hooked up with in Alabama using a good jean pickup line. People from all walks of life wear jeans. Rich people, poor people and everyone in between. How many poor people do you see wearing Armani slacks? Do you think jeans favor one race over another? Hells no. Jeans are equal opportunity pants and act as an example not only to all pants, but to all people.

So if you want to be a ninja working in the right profession who is both casual and professional, durable, not elitist or racist you should wear some jeans and at the same time, try to be more like jeans.

Jeans. They’re not only pants, they’re role models too. Might I suggest you send this post to non-jeaners to show them what they’re missing? Perhaps you should send it to jeaners too, remind them they’re doing the right thing. Jeantastic!

At least once in your life, most likely after watching a vampire flick or a movie involving a fountain of youth, you will ask yourself and your friends what the ideal age is. What age would you like to remain forever?

Popular answers are usually in the 20s and that’s understandable. Our 20s are when we’re young and vital. Our physical peak. Before the wrinkles, sagging, and the gut your wife says is cute or your husband says you don’t have (they’re lying). Some might say early 20s, but I’m not sure people will take someone so fresh faced seriously. I’m thinking more mid to late 20s.

I think I’ve figured out my ideal age. You see, every so often I decide to try to grow a beard. I’m not horrible at it, but I’m no Abe Lincoln (oddly, that’s the first bearded guy that comes to mind). Let’s just say my beard is a little patchy in spots. A few puzzle pieces are missing. I see myself in the mirror and think, until I can fill in those voids, my life is incomplete. But every time I try to grow it, it’s a little less patchy than the time before. So I decided yesterday, the age I’d like to stay forever is the age when I can grow a full and beautiful beard. My life will be nearly complete. It’s on my life’s to-do list right after writing a bestselling novel.

For those of you who could grow a full beard by the age of 12, what do we call you, oh yes, Italians, your ideal age might be a little harder to figure out. Maybe the age before your back hair got out of hand. I kid, I kid. I’m just jealous of your full beard.

For those men who can’t grow a beard and will never be able to (i.e. lesser men), at least you don’t have to shave everyday. That’s a plus isn’t it, champ?

For women, it’s much more difficult and probably not shaving related. Unless it was when you could properly shave a lightning bolt into your … Nevermind.

So my question to you is: what would your ideal age be and why?

Ever wake up after a night of drinking more shots than a group of sailors on shore leave and say, “Holy shit, I feel mutha fukkin good today!”?

So have I. Here are some of the reasons why this might happen.

Reason #1
The unlikely reason, but the first most people assume, is by some amazing miracle, you were the best drinker ever and managed to survive a rough night hangover free. Wishful thinking my friend.

Reason #2
You drank a lot, but either fell asleep early or slept for 12 or more hours. Sleep is the best hangover killer. If you fall asleep before midnight, you increase your chances to be hangover free by quite a bit.  If you can sleep for 12 or more hours you’ll find yourself feeling exponentially better than when you woke up at 6am to take a 4 minute piss.

Reason #3
You are a liar.

Some people love to insist they never get hangovers. There’s a 99.999% chance they’re full of shit and are probably trying to impress their friends by showing them what an amazing drinker they are. Sure, some people don’t puke (they black out) and others get less hungover or have the ability to get hungover less often, but to say you never, under any circumstances, get hangovers is bullshit.

Or

Some people don’t like to admit they got drunk. They’re the friend that always says, “I’m not drunk, just a little tipsy.” Because they don’t like to admit they’re drunk, they’ll certainly never admit being hungover.

Reason #4
You don’t know what being hungover means. Being hungover does not necessarily mean you spend the day in bed barfing into a bucket or setting up shop beside the john, it could simply be a mild headache, or all over fatigue. If you feel less than %100 as a result of drinking, you’re hungover. Some hangovers are mild, and some are extreme. Not all hangovers are created equal.

Reason #5
You’ve been hungover so many consecutive days you don’t even know what not being hungover feels like anymore. Get some help, I think you’re an alcoholic.

Reason #6
The delayed hangover. Let me explain. When you wake up after drinking so much and you feel A-OK, it’s most likely because you’re still drunk. You might not feel drunk, but you are. And because you’re still drunk you’re numbed from the pain alcohol loves to inflict on your body to punish you for having a good time. However, when the effects of the alcohol fades (the time is dependent on how much you drank and how long ago you had your last drink), the hangover commences. Thus, the delayed hangover. Ever wonder why you spend your Sundays watching movies on the Superstation (TBS, Peachtree TV, that station that plays Atlanta Braves baseball)? It’s because in the end, you were a little hungover.

When you wake up, there is no real way to know if you are just lucky or if the delayed hangover is on its way, but you can take some precautionary measures. Drink water, nap, eat some food, or if you dare, you can start drinking again.

You probably shouldn’t drive though.

Did I miss anything?

New Year’s Eve is a crapshoot. It’s the biggest crapshoot of the whole year and because it’s a crapshoot many people are soured on New Year’s Eve and say, “Fuck it, I’m staying home with my cat and watching the second season of Perfect Strangers.”
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Don’t be like them. Those people are depressing. They’re the same people who don’t want to celebrate their birthdays. They’re the people that will grow up to be old and bitter because of missed opportunities. Take a chance. Once, being too young to get into bars, we went downtown to Harbourfront in Toronto. It was completely spur of the moment and I was sure it would be a boring night. We drank alcohol from plastic bottles and ended up on a beach with thousands of drunk people watching fireworks. It was incredible. One of my favorite NYEs ever.
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Ok, while NYE can be a horribly disappointing night, it also holds the potential to be one of the best nights of the year. In fact, I can remember more NYEs (for better or for worse) than I can most any other day of the year throughout my lifetime.
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Through these ups and downs I’ve discovered there are three factors that must be taken into consideration in order to make NYE more enjoyable.
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LOCATION
Location is the factor most people focus on, but it’s not the most important factor. I’ve had great and terrible NYEs at bars, clubs, and house parties. So there is no guarantee any will be fun. If you’re going to a club or bar, try to pick one with good service and good music. Good service is paramount. I once spent NYE fairly sober because the male bartender was only serving people with boobs. NYE sober, in my opinion, is boring. Thanks barkeep. Asshole.
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Bigger bars are not always better and because an ad says it’s the best party in town it doesn’t mean it is. Remember, temporary bar friends can make a night extra memorable. Don’t be shy. If you’re single, it’s a toss up, because bigger bars provide more opportunities to hook up, but smaller bars provide a more intimate setting so it’s easier to develop a bond with a particular person. If you’re better at picking up with words than with dancing, maybe the smaller bar is better for you. Unfortunately, clubs and bars are a complete crapshoot. Flip a coin. Good luck.
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I prefer the house party because it’s most likely filled with people you already know. You save money on booze and can get it a lot faster.  The house party allows you to meet people who are the friends of people you know. This gives you an icebreaker right away which is good for meeting new friends, or if you’re single, meeting new mates. Besides, bars are often too loud to hear anyone speak and are too crowded to move. If you don’t know the person throwing the party have a backup plan. The party could be terrible.
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CHOICE OF ALCOHOL
Your choice of alcohol is so important on this night. Keep in mind you will be drinking champagne (or sparkling wine) at midnight and will most likely be offered some kind of shot. Also keep in mind that NYE is not a normal night. On a normal nights your drinking usually peaks and then tapers off as the night progresses. But on NYE, the party gets refreshed at midnight and drinking climbs towards another peak. With this in mind, make sure you’re drunk before midnight, but you’re not stumbling all over the place. Because if you are, you’ll be spending New Year’s Day in front of the toilet. I had a two day hangover last year. Great time though. Two of your best friends getting married at a hotel with an open bar is something you must experience.
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This year I’m drinking beer because a beer is a beer every time I get one from the fridge, but a mixed drink magically gets stronger as the night goes on. I’m sure I’ll have a few shots too. It’s unavoidable, just like a New Year’s Day hangover.
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PEOPLE
This is the most important of the three factors by far. This is what you should focus on.
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Friends
If you are surrounded by your best friends, it’s hard not to have a good time. So whether you go to a bar, or a club, or a house party, make sure your friends are there too. It makes all the difference in the world.
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Diffusing the Bomb
Single people can attest to this. The years they have someone to kiss at midnight are usually better than other New Year’s. At a busy Montreal club, I danced with a girl seconds before midnight, and when the clock struck 12 we kissed and that was that. We didn’t talk, or grope or anything. Just the kiss. If only all single people had the same unspoken agreement on NYE.
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There is no other day of the year where hooking up holds so much importance. The impending countdown imposes a panic to find someone before night’s end. It’s like diffusing a bomb. If you fail you watch as nearly everyone else kisses someone and then you scan the crowd to find someone else who has also failed to cut the right wires and try to get yourself a post midnight smooch (who says “smooch” anymore?). If you succeed it can be quite  gratifying. You may not have saved any lives, but you probably saved your night. Also, don’t be afraid to be a little more bold than usual on NYE. Both guys and girls are looking to find someone to pair up with and often times, because people want to diffuse the bomb ASAP it’s the one who is most persistent who gets the kiss and not necessarily the best candidate. There’s no justice in this world, I know.
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If you have a significant other, there is no bomb diffusing and no panic. There is far less pressure on NYE all together. Sit back, relax, and try not to get into a fight before midnight. The house party seems to be the best bet in this case, but if you’re a clubbing couple, you know where you should be.
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GUARANTEED GOOD TIME ON NYE
The only way I can guarantee a great NYE is to be in an exotic location. Fiji, Bahamas, Hawaii, Paris, etc. So if you’re not overflowing with money, get ready for what could be a great or terrible night. Just make sure you keep an open mind. Like I said, NYE is a crapshoot. Best of luck tonight folks.
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THANKS
Also, I’d like to thanks everyone who follows this website. December was CorruptCamel’s best month since I started it in March. I don’t make any money for doing this, but I do get a ton of satisfaction from hearing that people enjoy it. So leave some comments, tell some friends, retweet the posts on Twitter, become a fan of the site on Facebook. It means a lot to me.
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Happy 2010 folks.

Last night, at 4am, I woke to the sound of my neighbors bumping uglies.  Breathing, grunting, moaning. It sounded close. Almost like they were in the same room as me. I was about to start laughing when I had one of those reflective moments. If I could hear them, they could probably hear me or more specifically, my girlfriend and me. It’s the first time we’ve heard our neighbors since they moved in almost 6-months ago. Now I won’t get into specifics of my sex life, but it’s safe to say we do it more than our neighbors and, yet, we’ve never heard a laugh or snicker from their side of the wall in all this time.
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So instead of laughing I thought, good for them for knocking boots at all, let alone at such a weird hour, and also, good for them for not making us feel self-conscious for doing the same thing in what should be the privacy of our own home. The least we can do is return the favor, right? So, I turned on the fan at the foot of the bed to create some white noise, let them do their thing, and fell back asleep.
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Do you have any good neighbors having sex stories?
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Funny idea: Name your WI-FI network – “I can hear you having sex” knowing your neighbors will see it when they search for WI-FI (I read that idea somewhere, so hat tip to whoever came up with it).
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It’s the last Friday before X-Mas! I managed to pick up a bunch of crappy gifts for my loved ones yesterday at the Eaton’s Centre. The Olympic Torch made its way through the city, but I opted not to join the hundreds lining Yonge street as some dude running around with a flaming wand doesn’t interest me. I also attempted to buy a mustache mug, but was disappointed at the ones they had at Urban Outfitters. Not manly shaped enough. I think I may have to order myself one from the website I linked to in yesterday’s post.

Anyway, it’s Friday, I just want to go home and drink rum and eggnog and play videogames, so my post is a bit lazy today.

Here’s a SFW video. The person who came up with this idea is a comedic genius. My hat’s off to him. If you have the opportunity to try this, please do.

TGIMFF