iggy pop, music, rock, spaghetti now least popular pasta, pepperoni ruined forever, reminds people of Tori Spelling’s boobs, obesity an attractive alternative to this, can’t look up map of nile river without thinking of this, decrease in sales of snakes and ladders board game, easy to track terrifying descent of iggy’s boobs

In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death, taxes, and Rod Stewart’s I-just-got-struck-by-lightning hair style. Rod Stewart has found the fountain of youth and, for some reason, only washes his hair in it. There are other qualities of his that are worthy of hate and scorn, but my loathing is focused solely on the satanic weeds growing out of the top of his head. Man, I would pay a king’s ransom to have someone scalp him.

You might be thinking you’ve seen worse haircuts on people like Justin Bieber, Carrot Top, or the guy from Prodigy, and I believe you, really. I’ve seen worse haircuts too. But like death, famine, pestilence and war, Rod’s haircut is ever present in our world.

Never disappearing, never even fading, his hair is a model of persistence, and proof of the devil’s existence. Rod’s bad hair has been around since the dawn of time and I believe the Bible is referring to Rod Stewart’s hair when it speaks of original sin. I can’t even remember a time when his demonic hair wasn’t plaguing our Earth, and I for one want a world free of his hair.

Pray, wish, and beg your God or gods for Rod Stewart’s hair to be vanquished. Do a tribal dance, channel the dead, or take matters into your own hands. By whatever means necessary, Rod Stewart’s hair MUST DIE.

Dear CC,

I just read your Miley Cyrus has Boobs article and thought you might dig my Miley Sex Doll story. It’s awesome and has a happy ending if you catch my drift.

Ok, so here goes: in grade 9 and 10 I would have killed for a girlfriend, like actually killed, for serious. But after I hooked up with Brianna Weedleson in grade 11 I realized having a girlfriend is not all cupcakes and handjobs. And let’s face it, Brianna Weedleson don’t look anything like Miley. Hell, she looked a little more like the fat chick on Jersey Shore.

When the Miley Doll arrived in the mail, my Mom saw the package and was like, what’s that? And I’m like, I dunno, cookies from Grandma. Lay off Joanie Loves Bi-atchy.

After a night locked in my bedroom with the Miley Doll I was no longer jonesing for the touch of a real chick.  She let me do things to her that Brianna would never ever let me do, even when she was all liquored up. My Mom kept knocking on the door, saying shit like, hey, what’s going on in there? And I’m like, shit Ma, I’m eating Grandma’s cookies and she’s like, can I have some, and I nearly puked in my mouth, and yelled hell’s no. Then she says, it sounds like you’re having a party in there, and I replied, ya Mom, a party in the USA.

Get this: a lot of my friends on WoW [World of Warcraft] have dumped their girlfriends in favor of the Miley Doll too! Did you know it sold out in less than 48 hours! It’s like the next Tickle Me Elmo. No shit! Our guild don’t even do half the raids we used to anymore, The Miley doll is pretty much all we talk about. Elf Mage MonsterPwner87899 plays WoW while doing the Doll. SUPER LOLZ!

Did you know the Miley Doll has three achey love holes? It says so right on the box. Dude, let me tell you, I now have one achy wang from those achy love holes. Gross, right?

Y’know, even before this doll came out, I was using the Hannah Montana action figures to get off. No kidding! I’m not sure how many Hannah Montana action figures I’ve had surgically removed from my anus over the last few years. Whatever anyone tells you, it’s probably less than that. People exaggerate. What have you heard?

Sing right into the mic, baby

So, the last time I had an action figure removed–I think it was from the “In Concert” toy line, really sharp fingers–anyway, my doctor was all like, one doll in your ass is one too many, dude and I was like, I know, right? Then he told me about the Miley Sex Doll and the rest is history.

I hear the real Miley is going to sue and have the doll taken off the market. That sucks for others, but to me, it’s cool, I got mine.

Peace out,

AkeeBrakeeKaQ

]]> http://corruptcamel.com/2011/04/miley-cyrus-sex-doll-destroys-countless-teen-relationships/feed/ 6 http://corruptcamel.com/2011/03/rebecca-black-must-die/ http://corruptcamel.com/2011/03/rebecca-black-must-die/#comments Tue, 22 Mar 2011 15:55:37 +0000 C. Camel http://corruptcamel.com/?p=3746

I can’t say I know much of anything about YouTube teen star, Rebecca Black, but I know enough. The viral (in so many ways) song, Friday is the worst song ever written. EVER. The 13 year old Ms. Black, and this song, make we want to take a gun, gun, gun, and the law into my own hands. The one thing I can’t wrap my head around: this song is not a joke.

FACT: At the time of writing this post, the video for Friday had over 33.5 million views. Classy stuff human race. Way to go.

I carefully selected some of the more ridiculous lyrics, but believe me when I say, ALL of the lyrics are ridiculous.

Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today is Friday, Friday (Partyin’)
We-we-we so excited
We so excited
We gonna have a ball today

Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes afterwards
I don’t want this weekend to end

She’s right, you know. Those are the order the days arrive on the weekend.  These brilliant lyrics jog my memory when it’s Friday and I forget what day was yesterday and which days are to follow. This happens pretty often since her song has brutally murdered so many of my brain cells.

I know by writing this, I’m fueling the hysteria surrounding this song, I know I’m aiding in fulfilling the prophecy that this will be the most watched YouTube video of all time, but this song is actually funny. Really, really funny. If you haven’t heard it, you should. The video is equally as awful. But don’t be surprised when you can’t get this terrible, terrible song out of your head.

So maybe Rebecca Black shouldn’t die. She’s just a kid after all, maybe I was a bit harsh. Maybe she needs to be honored. I think she needs to put out a song that discusses her daily routine on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday in more detail. I need to know even the most trivial things. What kind of cereal does she like? How is school going!?! Sing it to me Rebecca. Sing it to me in the worst way possible.

I can’t wait to hear/see what’s next. Here’s the video – Enjoy getting dumb and dumber.

*CorruptCamel.com does not ever actually wish death upon anyone, no matter how annoyingly awful their music is.

Nicolas Cage

After Justin Bieber’s slightly worn, purple, autographed right shoe managed to fetch an incredible $10k for his old high school, Bieber decided to up the ante and make a little more money for a good cause. Just hours after a huge earthquake rocked Japan, the Biebs put out a press release announcing he had plucked his lone pubic hair and put it up for sale on eBay. Within minutes of the announcement, bids starting pouring in from young girls, collectors, fans and geneticists all over the world pushing the current bid from a measly $25 to over $1 billion dollars. With 4 days still remaining on this auction, experts are predicting the price to jump to upwards of $5 billion dollars.

While many critics are calling this auction inappropriate and disgusting, others are praising Bieber for trying to raise money for The Japanese Earthquake Relief Fund so soon after the disaster.

The BBC’s Ann Franklin had this to say, “Drastic times call for drastic measures. I hope more celebrities follow suit and donate tufts of their pubic hair too. Japan needs this. The world needs this.”

CNN’s Anderson Cooper had a different opinion: “is this the role model we want for our children? What happened to raising funds through benefit concerts, telethons, or even bake sales? Frankly, I’m disgusted.”

The winner of the auction will also receive a certificate of authenticity, results of a DNA test to confirm the black and curly hair does, in fact, belong to the Canadian popstar, and the tweezers Bieber used to extract his one and only pubic hair, which he had reportedly named, Sebastian.

Beyoncé has confused, and possibly ruined, a whole generation of women. Is this a hyperbolic statement? Perhaps, but it’s time for all the single ladies (and maybe their boyfriends) to file a class action lawsuit against Beyoncé. Here’s why:

1. In 1999, Destiny’s Child release the single, Bills, Bills, Bills, which contains the lyrics:

Can you pay my bills?
Can you pay my telephone bills?
Can you pay my automo’bills?
then maybe we can chill
I don’t think you do
so you and me are through

THE MESSAGE: Trying to empower women, Beyoncé and Co. tell girls that, despite years of single income families being the norm, it’s unacceptable to support the man you supposedly care for or love. Men can support women, but according to DC, women are not allowed to support men. That hardly seems fair, but okay B, men shall pay their own bills.

Let’s see what else Beyoncé has to say.

2. In 2000, Destiny’s child release the hit single for the Charlie’s Angels soundtrack, Independent Women, which contains these lyrics:

I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings

THE MESSAGE: Beyoncé reiterates the message to women: buy your own shit. You don’t need a man to pay your bills. I agree with that, but she specifically says she buys her own rings. So to sum up, Beyoncé does not need a man to buy her a ring because she’s an independent woman and will buy her own goddamn ring. Do not, I repeat, buy her a ring.

3. In 2008, Beyoncé releases the astronomical hit, Single Ladies, which has the chorus:

Cuz if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it

THE MESSAGE: WHAAAAAAAAAA!?! Beyoncé, perhaps the reason he didn’t “put a ring on it” is because you have been telling us this whole time you will buy your own ring. Maybe he was waiting for you to buy your own ring, give it to him, then demand he get down on one knee and beg you to marry him. He doesn’t know what to do, you confused the shit out of him. Don’t buy a ring, buy a ring. Make up your mind.

THE BOTTOM LINE:
Women are confused, should young Barbara buy her own ring or demand one from her boyfriend, Todd?
Should Barb throw her hands up in independence or pressure Todd to get married?
This generation of women are locked in an internal battle of independence versus codependence. Look closely, steam is actually shooting out of their ears and Beyoncé is to blame for all of it. ALL OF IT. The issues in Egypt and Libya? Oh, you’d better believe that’s Beyoncé’s fault too.

TAKE HOME MESSAGE: Not everyone swims in gold plated infinity pools overflowing with Cristal like Beyoncé. Sometimes couples rely on each other for both emotional and financial support and it’s not always going to be a 50/50 split. People lose their jobs or get ill and need their partner to support them.

The reason divorce rates are so high? People pressuring other people into getting married before they are ready. The song, Single Ladies, will push divorce rates to new highs because women, following the advice of Beyoncé, will put too much pressure on their boyfriend to get married. In fact, since the release of that song, divorce rates have gone up fifty nizzle percent. FIFTY NIZZLE!

The people really reaping the benefits of Beyoncé’s music? Jewelers of course. Jewelers are always behind the red curtain, eating a messy sandwich and rubbing their greedy hands together.

The moment a female celeb turns 18, she tosses the good girl routine, along with her conservative clothing, out the window. No longer does she save herself for marriage or say her virginity belongs to Jesus, but now with hiked up skirts, boobs spilling out of her top and a nose full of cocaine, she is all grown up. Men everywhere rejoice, no longer must they keep their silence about how hot they think she is.

FACT: The unspoken adult male rule is that it’s okay to rave about a celeb’s hotness once she’s over 18. Do female’s have the same rule?

Somewhat recently, Miss Hannah Montana herself, Myley Cyrus, turned 18.  At her birthday party she was caught, on video no less, smoking a bong (see pic below), which she claimed was the legal drug salvia. Months later, at the pre-Grammy gala, Cyrus let her boobs out for the media and the rest of the world to see. Billy Ray Cyrus’s achy breaky heart was broken and earthquakes erupted on a global scale as, simultaneously, men of all ages high-fived and then ran into the bathroom with a box of Kleenex.

The truth is, these 18 year old celebs have grown up too fast, skipping childhood and their experimental teens, and are simply trying to make up for lost time. We should all be so thankful we didn’t have a parade of media watching our every action, God knows most of us have done a lot worse than Miley in our day. Somehow I don’t think she’s finished. I expect there might be a few more parties in the USA.

The Take Home Message: Miley’s got boobs, she’s allowed to show them off and you’re allowed to talk about them, you know, if you want to.

DALLAS - With saliva running down her chin, Christina Aguilera skipped over a line while singing The Star Spangled Banner prior to Super Bowl XLV. After the game, CorruptCamel.com had the opportunity to talk to Christina about her performance.

CorruptCamel: So, let’s cut to the chase, what happened?

Christina Aguilera: Well, everything was going great, and then I glanced over to the bleachers, you know, to see if the fans were digging my performance, and that’s when I saw a Packers fan eating a delicious, juicy hot dog.

CC: I don’t understand.

CA: The hot dog had ALL the fix-ins.

CC: So, you were hungry?

CA: Starving. I hadn’t eaten in almost 12 minutes!!

CC: Ok, so to be clear, you got distracted by a hot dog, because you were hungry, and missed a line of the anthem. Is that what happened?

CA: Oh my goodness no, I’m a professional. I just figured if I skipped a couple of lines I could get me one of those doggers even sooner.

CC: Don’t you think your country’s National Anthem is more important than a hot dog?

CA: It had all the fix-ins!

CC: Moving on, you used to be hot, now you’re kind of a chubba-baloo. I’d go as far as to say you kind of look like Cyndi Lauper. What happened? Are you preg-o?

CA: You don’t happen to have a hot dog you could give me, do you?

CC: Christina, this is a phone interview.

CA: All the fix-ins please.

CC: I’m not even in the same country as y–

CA: –fix-ins!

*Click*

Please bring back the hot Christina Aguilera. We miss her.

Since Janet Jackson’s 2004 nipple slip, there have been no female performers during the Super Bowl halftime show.  In fact, there haven’t even been any performers under the age of 50 since the infamous boobygate. This year is different though. The Black Eyed Peas will entertain the crowd and this has raised many concerns. Rumors are abound that the curvaceous Fergie will reveal something far worse than her nipple in front of the millions of people watching. No, I’m not talking about plans for her to release a new solo album. That would  be devastating.

The main concern that will have most parents and those who are a little squeamish turning off the TV at halftime this year, is that Fergie will show her unphotoshopped, non-airbrushed face, that appears to have endured eons of hardship and suffering, in public. This, in turn, may cause the largest epidemic of nausea the planet has ever seen. Think the Stand By Me Barf-O-Rama scene, but on a much grander scale.  Regurgitated nachos, wings, and black eyed peas everywhere. I’m not sure I’ve got a feeling that’s tonight’s gonna to be a good night.

While there isn’t much argument as to whether Fergie has a great body or not (she does), there are more than a few critics who would refer to her as a butter face. For those of you unaware of what a butter face is, it’s a girl where everything is hot “but-her” face. I provided 3 examples below.

So I ask you, the reader: Is Fergie’s face all that bad or are people just hard on her because she’s a celebrity?

Justin Bieber is in the news again. This morning, his rumored girlfriend, Selena Gomez, managed to dodge a sloppily thrown tomahawk while vacationing with Bieber in Miami, Florida.

After pictures surfaced of teen heartthrob, Justin Bieber, kissing Selena Gomez, Beliebers created quite an stir on message boards and on Twitter. Multiple death threats were made towards the 18 year old actress/singer.

13 year old Kylie, the self-proclaimed “biggest Bieber fan ever” posted this on a Bieber message board:

OMG  I will like kill that biatch with a kife or sumthin.

Author’s Note: We can only assume she meant “knife” or that perhaps she is very handy with a “kite”.

15 year old Karen, known on JB message boards as “BiggestJBFanFTW” was very specific with her threat:

When I get my learners permit i will run gomez over with my dads ford tempo.

Author’s Note: The Ford Tempo, arguably the finest of all Ford automobiles, was discontinued in 1994, but continues to be a popular choice for the American Trendsetter.

The death threats, however, did not stop the young couple from sharing another kiss on the balcony of their hotel suite in Miami. The above time lapsed picture, snapped by a member of the paparazzi, shows the tomahawk heading straight for Gomez as she receives a kiss from JB. In the police report, Gomez stated she managed to catch a glint from the spinning tomahawk, hurled at her by an outraged Bieber fan, and duck in the nick of time. The tomahawk fell harmlessly on the balcony behind them.

Bodyguards were able to subdue the fan and escort Gomez and Bieber to safety and the jealous fan was arrested and taken into custody. The identity of the culprit has not been released at this time.

While Ms. Gomez was shaken, she did comment on the choice of attempted murder weapon, “I admire the creativity. I mean, who throws a tomahawk, honestly? These days there isn’t a lot of originality in the choice of weapon. I swear, everyone either uses a kite or a Ford Tempo.”