Rest assured, as far as I know, Charlie Sheen is alive and well. Maybe not well, but he is alive. Sorry to alarm you. Really.

The last year has been a disaster for Charlie Sheen and we, the audience, have enjoyed every single “winning” second of it. But last night, the disaster turned into a train wreck, quite literally, as Charlie’s Two and a Half Men character was killed off by a Paris subway train. The writers, were obviously not over Charlie’s attempted lawsuit. There was very little mourning at the funeral, with Charlie’s neighbor claiming “[Charlie's] body just exploded like a balloon full of meat” and his own mother selling Charlie’s Malibu beach house mid eulogy.

To make matters worse, the Charlie Sheen roast aired on Comedy Central, not coincidentally, the same night. As is the case with most roasts, the jokes were not kind and nothing was held back.

Here are some of the harsher jokes from the roast:

“Brooke Mueller is not very bright unless Charlie throws a lamp at her. … Mike Tyson, your opponents spent more time bleeding in the corner than Charlie’s ex wives.” — Jeffrey Ross

“You’re just like Bruce Willis — you were big in the 80s and now your old slot is being filled by Ashton Kutcher.” — Amy Schumer

“If you’re winning, this must not be a child custody hearing. The only time your kids get to see you is in reruns — don’t you want to live to see their first 12 steps?” — Jeffrey Ross

“Charlie, you claim to have ‘tiger blood,’ but after all the porn stars you’ve [had sex with], it’s probably Tiger Woods’ blood.” — Seth MacFarlane

“The only reason you got on TV in the first place is because God hates Michael J. Fox.” — Anthony Jeselnik

“Charlie still hasn’t hit rock bottom. He’s looking forward to it though, because he thinks there’s a rock there.” — Steve-O

“Charlie, you’re the black sheep of a family that produced three ‘Mighty Ducks’ movies.” — Jeffrey Ross

“It’s amazing — after abusing your lungs, liver and kidneys, the only thing you’ve had removed is your kids.” — Kate Walsh

“On ‘Two and a Half Men’ tonight, they’re apparently having a funeral for Charlie’s character. But there’s no need to switch over. In a few months, you can probably see the real thing.” – Seth Macfarlane

Charlie Sheen’s response: “Once again, I come out unscathed. You can’t hurt me. I can’t kill me. Did you really think your little jokes were going to hurt me? I did porn stars; I did drugs. Then I did the one thing everybody in America wishes he could do. I told my boss to fuck off. And then it was gone. I’m done with ‘the winning’ because I’ve already won.”

As time progresses, Charlie Sheen’s madness becomes a little less funny and a little more tragic. I can’t help but feel Charlie’s recent bout of winning will only end in him losing his life.

At that point, the media will ask themselves the question, “Did we go too far?” The answer as always, is yes.

With that said, while I wish him a long life, realistically…

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Look around! For a brief moment peace has been restored to this planet. Everyone is smiling. Life. Is. Good.

I’m sure those who visited this page are not reading this, but scrolling downwards at a feverish pace trying to find the nude pics, lotion sitting beside the keyboard, mouse in one hand and in the other hand? Well, it’s not a Cherry Coke in the other hand, is it?

So apparently these fantastic pictures, which Scarlett took of herself were hacked from Ms. Johansson’s phone. Bring me that hacker and let me give him–it has to be a man, doesn’t it?–a big manly hug. For some reason I have the urge to sing God Bless America.

The FBI is now involved in trying to find this hacker and bring him to justice, but not before patting him on the back, giving him a testosterone filled high-five and whispering, “we’re all so proud of you, sir.”

If we put down out Cherry Cokes for a second, there are some questions that need to be answered.

1. Who were these marvelous pictures intended for?

Was it her ex-fling, Sean Penn, or her ex-husband, Ryan Reynolds? Maybe the pictures were meant for someone else. Me? Oh Scarlett, I’m honored. Thank you so much.

One can dream, can’t they? As a reminder for those who do dream, make sure to change the sheets in the morning.

2. a) What type of smartphone did she have?

     b) Was the hack a result of a weakness in the phone’s security or a flaw in an application’s security?

Smartphone fanboys need to know which company’s phone security has a crotchless panties like hole in it and then, oh boy, release the trolls.

3. Are there any more?

Whether it be more pictures or–sit down before you read this–some kind of video, we need to know. The world is waiting, Cherry Cokes in hand.

Alas, by posting the pics I risk having my site shut down temporarily or worse, permanently. Besides, once you start posting boobs everywhere you just can’t stop. It’s a slippery slope and I don’t even want to get into what’s making the slope so slippery.

Scarlett’s lawyer is issuing requests (or threats) to websites to remove the photos:

“The highly personal and private photographs at issue capture our client self-posing in her own home in a state of undress and/or topless. If you fail to comply, you will be acting at your own peril. Please govern yourselves accordingly.”

“Self-posing”, “state of undress” and of course, “topless”. Geez, even the warning is pretty exciting.

Anyway, if you want to see the pics just click this link.

That reason we were put on this Earth? This is it folks. Soak it up.

I wish I was forced to watch Jersey Shore, held at gunpoint, tied to a chair, eyed taped open. Now that would be a valid excuse as to why I’ve seen every episode. I wish I loathed Jersey Shore, like I do so many other brain numbing reality shows, but I’d be lying if that’s what I told you. I wish I could sit down with you, look into your eyes, put my hand on yours and sincerely tell you I wasn’t excited about the season 4 premiere in Florence, Italy and wasn’t looking forward to when Snooki gets drunk and falls down or witness the first mention of GTL or T-Shirt Time. Give me a genie’s lamp and I would use my three wishes on those three things and never look back.

I like Jersey Shore and this liking of something so dumb creates such a disturbance inside me that I’m beginning to hate myself. Why can’t I be stronger?

This, my friends, is my confession. Please, I beg you, don’t tell your friends.

I didn’t choose to watch Jersey Shore. It chose me. A higher power made it happen. A higher EVIL power. Bring me a Tome you deem holy and I will place my right hand on it, and with my chin held high and two unblinking eyes I will swear to whichever god(s) it is that would convince you I’m telling the truth, that enjoying Jersey Shore was not my choice. It was a cruel fate.  A curse placed upon me by one of the many I’ve offended with my rants. I’m sorry Mr. Cage, Ms. Black, and Rod Stewart’s Hair. I’m truly, kinda, sorta sorry. Remove this curse from me. Exorcise this demon.

So here’s how it went down. Here’s how I got hooked on Jersey Shore and started down this spiral of self-hatred. It was on a Sunday. I was beached on the sofa-bed with a hangover so powerful changing a channel was like running a double-marathon, and speaking of running marathons, MTV was running a Jersey Shore marathon that I chose to sample because not only was my brain so pickled from alcohol that I wanted something mindless, but I also wanted bear witness to the stupidity that a whole generation of morons had embraced. If I watch it once I could better arm myself to insult the show relentlessly. A prophet against the dark forces of Jersey Shore. I had done so with so many other reality shows and never got drawn in. Never. Little did I know that when the marathon had run its course,  the skies would turn red, ash would rain from the jet black clouds, the seas would consume the earth and its people, and in the end, I too would moronically embrace this herd of bronzed up Guidos.

God save us all.

So if you hear the Jersey Shore theme song playing on your TV, the terms GTL (Gym Tan Laundry), DTF (Down to Fuck), or Cabs Are Heeeere: Run. Run like hell and never look back or you’ll end up like me, lying in the shower, curled up in the fetal position muttering things about Pauly D, J-WOWW, Sammy Sweetheart and The Situation,  and that I can assure you, isn’t what you ever want.

Run–No, fly you fools!

If one more person asks me if I watch Dexter I’m going to lose my shit. It seems like every day some asshole comes by and says, “Hey, do you watch Dexter?” or “Did you watch Dexter last night?” or “Blah bloo blah blippity blah Dexter?”

My answer now, and until the end of time is no.

They usually respond with, “You should. It’s a great show.”

You don’t say. Thanks. You’re the first person to tell me that in the last 9 minutes. Your recommendation was the one I needed to get me off the fence and into DexterLand. I’ll buy all the seasons (right this second!), do a marathon to catch up, and then we can gab about Dexter’s exploits on our cellular telephones. Soon after, when I become a True Dexter Fanatic, we can start up a Dexter blog where all we discuss are all things Dexter. You’ll want to call the blog Dexter-ity or Dexter-ous, but that’s cheesy and stupid, so we’ll call it All Things Dexter because that’s what we discuss on our blog.

Ok, let me take a deep breath, relax, and explain my anger a bit.

I do not live under a TV-less rock, I have heard of Dexter, I have heard it is like OMG-holy-shit-awesome and I have no doubt I would enjoy it if I watched it. But perhaps I refuse to watch it to spite the Dexter Cultists knocking on my door, whispering in my ear, and leaving flyers in my mailbox, or maybe it’s because I can’t watch every single goddamn TV series ever created and I’ve made my choice to watch re-runs of The Golden Girls instead and I will live very happily with that choice.

Some of you are probably thinking, I don’t care that you don’t want to watch Dexter, and that’s exactly what I want people to think so I can stop hearing about it. Stop caring if I watch it, please. Let me be, I beg you. I will learn to deal with the Dexter-shaped hole in my soul.

In all honesty, I don’t mind people recommending TV shows, but I’ve heard more than enough about Dexter and baby, it ain’t happening.

Despite being one of IMDB.com‘s lowest rated movies and grossing a measly $19 million at the box office back in 1996, Universal Pictures has decided it’s time for a sequel to Kazaam, and have even managed to sign on recently retired NBA player Shaquille O’Neal to reprise his role as the giant genie.

A spokesman for Universal Pictures, had this to say:

“We believe it’s time to give Kazaam a fresh go. We’ve thought this for years, but the timing with Shaq and his career was never right. Now that he’s stepping away from basketball he can step back into the shoes of Kazaam.

We are thrilled that Shaq is just as excited as we are about this film and was eager to bring new life to the franchise.

While this isn’t technically a reboot, as Shaq will reprise his role, there will be no returning characters besides Shaq in the sequel and we plan to fix the mistakes we made the first time around. I think viewers, both young and old, are really going to have a good time with this.”

The release date is tentatively scheduled for Summer 2012 and it appears critics are already writing awful reviews now just to save some time down the road.

With the 2012 release date, many are hoping the Mayan calendar is correct and we all die well before Kazaam 2 hits theaters.

Despite cheating, falling in love with another woman, adopting 3 children and creating 3 children the good ol’ fashioned way, Brad Pitt has realized he needs to go once step further. Why? Because Jennifer Aniston persists.

In a recent interview, Brad Pitt said he and Angelina Jolie may go back on their word and get married. Their reason, of course, to finish off Pitt’s Ex, Jennifer Aniston, once and for all.

“With everything that’s happened, I thought she would have disappeared off the face of the planet, or maybe go all Lohan, but she’s still hanging in there. She’s clearly been broken down psychologically, but really, is that enough? I can hear the Mortal Kombat voice in my head, saying ‘Finish Her,’ and that’s a hard voice to ignore,” Pitt said with a big smile, high-fiving the interviewer.

Since Aniston and Pitt divorced in 2005, because Pitt was reportedly banging the hotter-than-Aniston Angelina Jolie, Aniston has bounced from one relationship to the next, but for some reason, has not been able to hold on to any of man for a prolonged period of time.

Pitt, stroking his beard, and looking contemplative, continued, “I’ve always been dedicated to finishing my work and until Jen is overweight and hooked on pain-killers, I haven’t done my job. A suicide attempt or a stint on The Surreal Life may put my mind at ease, y’know?”

When asked why no man would stay with Aniston, Pitt replied, “Her career is great, she’s still pretty hot, although she’s clearly not as hot as Angelina–always cheat up people!–but come on man, her biological clock is tick-tick-ticking. She’s a walking time bomb and what guy wants to be there when that bomb blows? Run for the hills guys, right? That chick is bad news. She’s expired milk.”

When asked to elaborate on his “always cheat up” statement, Pitt nodded, “I’m glad you asked. It’s really a matter of rather simple math. Basically, think about the woman you’re currently with, let’s call her A, and the woman you’re considering cheating with, let’s go ahead and call her B. If  A is hotter than B it’s a no go, but if B is hotter than A, then go for it hombre.”

Corrupt Camel has put together the below picture to exemplify Pitt’s course of action.

The interview with Brad Pitt is obviously and unfortunately fictional.

The one couple that proved not all celebrity relationships are doomed to fail, has failed. Why has it failed? Frankly, Arnie can do better. Check out his resume:

1 – # of times he was crowned Mr. Universe

7 – # of times he was named Mr. Olympia

$1,615,501,623 – Total gross of his movies

7 – movies Arnold has starred in that have grossed more than $100 million

8 – Number of years as Governor of California (yes, he was elected and re-elected).

135 – His IQ.

Some might argue that Maria Shriver has a pretty great resume too, and I’d agree. Let’s check it out.

Shriver has been compared to…

Skeletor,

The Crypt Keeper,

Geena Davis’s character (Barbara) at the end of Beetlejuice.

Older, uglier Fergie without the confusing hotness.

With the recent trailer for the new ThunderCats TV series recently released, there is a nostalgic buzz of excitement in the air for us 8os kids, who grew up with original ThunderCats and also, for the younger generation, who are excited about cat-people kicking ass.  But not everyone is excited about the new series. The Humane Society has some serious concerns of what this could mean for household cats.

At a Hoboken, New Jersey animal shelter, Wayne Pacelle, Humane Society CEO, had this to say: “We saw this back when The Ninja Turtles were popular. Kids buy pet turtles, dress them up in ninja attire, and crazy glue nunchucks to their feet. It’s animal cruelty, plain and simple. Now we’re concerned kids will do the same to their pet cats.”

Asked if this was The Humane Society’s only concern regarding The ThunderCats, Pacelle sighed, and shook his head, no. “Ok, imagine this is your cat,” said Pacelle, picking up Samuel, an orange tabby from the shelter. “Now imagine your teenage son is watching ThunderCats and he sees the catgirl, Cheetara, prancing around in her little cute orange outfit. Look at her. Even I’d consider hitting that. Tell me you wouldn’t. No? Really? You’re a filthy rat faced liar. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that, but it’s true. Anyway, your son is getting aroused by the half-cat half-human bombshell and at such a confusing age, isn’t quite sure if it’s the human parts he likes about her or the cat parts. Little Samuel strolls by, rubbing up against my–I mean, your son’s–leg. You can guess what happens next. It’s not pretty.”

Pacelle was then asked how the new ThunderCats was any sexier than the old one, and shown the above picture from the old ThunderCats cartoon.  “It’s not,” he replied, “I think there are already a lot of very confused adults tainted by ThunderCats in the 80s, which is why we’re concerned about this show being rebooted. Look at that picture? Can you imagine if Cheetara came strolling into your bedroom just wearing a belt? God, that would be so hot.”

At this point, Pacelle wiped the sweat from his brow and, reportedly stroked Samuel harder and faster before continuing. “There IS a difference between now and then and the difference is that nowadays cosplay is bridging the gap between animation and reality. It’s only a matter of time before an attractive woman dresses up like Cheetara and further confuses both children AND adults, making me–THEM! Not me. Them –Making them more likely to take out their sexual frustration on their pet cat. It’s basic psychology people.”

Within moments, a journalist approached Pacelle and with his iPhone, showed Pacelle the below picture. Pacelle, seemingly stunned for a moment, took Samuel the cat in one hand, and with the other hand did what one onlooker described as “an attempt to subdue his boner” and upon failing in this attempt, left hastily.

Pacelle has since tendered his resignation. Samuel was never returned to the shelter.

Charlie Sheen has become one crazy sonuvabitch recently and you know what? It is 100 times funnier and more entertaining than any episode of Two and a Half Men. We, the people, are loving every second of it. He’s been starting catch phrases such as “winning”, “tiger blood”, and “plan better” and he’s the fastest person to reach 1 million Twitter followers (follow him here). Let’s examine some of the verbal and written/Tweeted gems Mr. Sheen has bestowed on us and thank Jebus this man does not have the ability to keep his mouth shut.

• “I’m different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man.”
• “I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars.”
• “We work for the pope, we murder people. We’re Vatican assassins. How complicated can it be? What they’re not ready for is guys like you and I and Nails and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom. Print that, people.”
• On being asked if he was bipolar, Sheen replied: “What does that mean? What’s the cure? Medicine? Make me like them: not gonna happen. I’m bi-winning. I win here. I win there.”
• When asked about the possibility of a drug relapse: “No. Not going to. Period. The end. I blinked and I cured my brain.”
• “I don’t live in the middle anymore. That’s where you get slaughtered. That’s where you get embarrassed in front of the prom queen.”
• On why Two and a Half Men creator, Chuck Lorre, should be afraid: “Most of the time, and this includes naps, I’m an F18 bro, and I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordnance to the ground. There’s a new sheriff in town and he has an army of assassins.”
• On challenge for Chuck Lorre to take Charlie Sheen on in a MMA brawl: “I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words – imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.”
• On his day-to-day routine: “Every day is just filled with just wins. All we do is put wins in the record books. We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it’s scary.”On previous partying: “The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them, just look like droopy-eyed, armless children.”
• “Rhymes with winning? That would be us. Sorry, man, didn’t make the rules.”
• “I’m so tired of pretending that my life isn’t perfect and bitchin’ and winning every second and I’m not perfect and bitchin’ and just delivering the goods at every frickin’ turn.”
• “I’m dealing with fools and trolls. I’m dealing with soft targets, and it’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee.”
• “I’m different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man.”
• “If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you’d be like, ‘Dude! Can’t handle it, unplug this bastard!’ It fires in a way that’s, uh… maybe not from this terrestrial realm.”
• “I am on a drug – it’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

BEST TWEETS

• the title of my book has finally been delivered thru vast and extensive Lunar channels. “Apocalypse Me” Warlock Latin for WINNING. c
• Ready for my next fastball, world? PLAN BETTER Applies to everything where an excuse now sits. Try it. U won’t be wrong. Ever. #PlanBetter
• Face it folks, you just feel better when you say it. #WINNING
• Just got invited to do the Nancy Grace show… I’d rather go on a long road trip with Chuck Lorre in a ’75 Pacer..
• He had the Tigerblood… No doubt!! RT @Chupa72 The Babe’s finest year. The Bambino was a level 100 Warlock sir. #Tigerblood

BEST TWITPICS (pics that Charlie Sheen has Tweeted)

Winner..! 2012… #winner:

Winning..! Choose your Vice… #winning #chooseyourvice: (Sheen is seen here with 24 year old girlfriend, pornstar Bree Olson.)

Get’m while they’re hot..! #charliedog #tigerblood:

Still Winning..! Pong! #winning #tigerblood:

Thanks Charlie! You are one weird and funny individual.

AMC’s hit zombie survival show, The Walking Dead, has been cancelled after only one season. AMC cited budget cuts as the reason for the cancellation. “The good news”, explained AMC spokesman, Alan Anderson, “is that fans of The Walking Dead will be able to see some of the sets and props used in The Walking Dead on our new show.”

In order to cut costs, AMC has reused sets, promotional ads, and even some of the blo0d and guts used in The Walking Dead for the new comedy series that will be premiering on October 31st.

“We spent a lot of money creating ads for The Walking Dead, and figured we should reuse them, both in an effort to be a green network and to save a buck or two and help get this economy back on track. We even found a way to transform the blood, guts, and brains into a realistic looking pie filling. On top of that, fans seemed to think the title, The Walking Dead, and even the font we used for the title, were pretty rad, so we’ve found a way to recycle those too, ” said Anderson.

The new series will follow avid pie enthusiast, Jed Hawkins (played by Eugene Levy), and focus on his hilarious hijinx and misadventures as he treks across the state of Georgia in order to locate a rare slice of stumbleberry pie, the only thing he believes can cure his son of the deadly and knee-slappingly-funny disease, dariuskasparitis.

The new promotional ad for this show can be seen below.

the walking dad