Why Rubik’s Cubes are for Assholes

Rubik's Cubes

I used to love Rubik’s Cubes. Puzzles are sweet. But each encounter I had with the owner of a cube taught me otherwise. Rubik’s Cubes, my friends, are for assholes. Here’s why.

1. It’s a trap!

Owners of the colorful cubes usually keep it on full display, probably next to other douchey items, with an invisible sign that says, “Ask me about my Rubik’s Cube.” They want you to see the rainbow’d cube, pick it up, and make a comment like, “When I was a kid, I’d peel off the stickers and move them around to solve it,” to which the Rubik’s Douche chuckles and says, “Really? It’s not hard to solve, watch this!”

This is when the magic happens. The asshole fumbles with the Cube until … it opens a hilarious alternate dimension where humans have a foot for a head!? Nope, spoiler alert, they simply match the colors on each side of the cube. That time you spent watching and they spent solving could have been used to google an image to show you how funny a foot for a head looks. Let me save you some time…


Bonus asshole points to those who solve the Rubik’s Cube behind their back.

I wasn’t wrong about old foothead there, was I? Comedy gold. Kind of hot too, right?

2. The secret is memorizing instructions, not actual brilliance.

Rubik’s Douche follows an algorithm any moron can follow. Look it up. You can be an asshole too. What’s worse, many will memorize this algorithm for the sole purpose of impressing others. Solving the cube is not a great feat, no good comes of it, and the act of solving the goddamn thing is about as fun as a kick to the face. It’s no different than building IKEA furniture, but without the resulting shitty (yet stylish) plyboard coffee table with a charmingly Scandinavian name. Personally, I’m partial to the Arkelstorp. Fun to say, and a great place to display evidence of your assholery (i.e. a Rubik’s Cube).

Bonus asshole points if Rubik’s Douche hands the solved cube to you for inspection after they solve it. This isn’t a magic trick shithead.

Next time you see a Rubik’s Cube on a shelf in your friend’s home, don’t fall into the trap. Declare with confidence, “Nobody gives a feck!” and hurl the feckin’ thing as far as you can. Preferably into a large body of water or off a tall building.

Bonus awesome points to throwing it off a tall building into a large body of water.

Each time you share this article, a Rubik’s Douche gets a foot for a head.

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