I have to admit, the first time I saw “You’ll Never Guess What Happens Next” in the title of a post I was intrigued. I clicked the link and watched a video of a startled cat flipping out. I soon realized the bullshit pushed under the “You’ll Never Guess What Happens Next” guise was no better or more surprising than the bullshit pushed under a less ambiguous title, such as “Cat Gets Startled and Goes Nuts.” The main difference is that had I seen the less ambiguous title, I would have said, “I don’t give a flying fuck about cat videos” and moved on to pondering what a “flying fuck” is for several hours before resuming my regularly scheduled life. Never again would I be tricked by such click-bait.
A lesson we are taught both as a child and an adult (but with very different meanings) is to not haphazardly insert foreign objects into our mouth because there’s a good chance we will have a bad time. So next time you see an online post with a title that ends with “You’ll Never Guess What Happens Next,” realize whoever titled the article thinks you are an idiot. They are dangling something shiny and are confident you will believe it’s a perfectly grilled bratwurst, adorned with all of your favorite toppings, sheathed in sparkling silver paper when in actuality, it’s a smelly, disease-ridden dick sloppily wrapped in aluminum foil.
What happens next is either you confirm the notion you will consume anything or you don’t.