BREAKING NEWS: FIFA forces Uruguay Striker Luis Suárez to have Front Teeth Removed After Biting Incident

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The FIFA hammer came down hard on Luis Suárez just days after he chomped down on the shoulder of Italian defender Giorgio Chiellini in a World Cup match. Initially, the suspension was 9 international matches (including the remainder of the World Cup) and 9 Premier League matches, a suspension that gnawed at the patience of Italian supporters, as many thought it too lenient for a third time biter. However, Suárez revealed in a press conference earlier this morning that FIFA also had all of Suárez’s front teeth removed as a means of preventing further injuries.

FIFA vice-president Jim Boyce had this to say: “I think the punishment handed out to Luis Suarez is fully justified. He was told not to bite, he bit, we bit back.”

While the press conference with Suárez was brief, as it was difficult to make out what the toothless striker was saying, Suárez vowed to use his time away from football to reflect on his actions and also joked he would taste each and every one of Ben and Jerry’s delicious flavors of ice cream. Suárez was also adamant that the removal of his teeth was a violation of human rights and he would fight (or bite, it was difficult to discern his exact words) FIFA every step of the way.

Minutes after the news conference, Colgate stated they would no longer sponsor Suárez.

  • Teeth don’t bite people, people bite people.

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