Woman’s Rant on Photoshopped Models Postponed; Can’t Find Spanx

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Disgusted and outraged at the idea that photos of models are Photoshopped to make the woman appear thinner, bustier, and more youthful, Barb Wheeler plans to voice her opinion at a friend’s upcoming party for The Bachelor finale.

Barb, not only an outspoken advocate of women’s rights, but also a 43 year-old wife and mother of 3 little girls –

“And a cat,” interrupts Barb. “That fucker is like a furry toddler with claws.”

– is especially furious with the negative influence print and web media is having on American women.

“It’s just awful. The people Photoshopping models are the ones to blame for the unrealistic societal expectations imposed on little girls and young women today. It needs to stop now…That’s the opening line of my speech, what do you think?” says Barb, her eyes glued to the mirror as she applies a third coat of light pink lipstick. “Oh, it’s not light pink, it’s called Marshmallow Bunny. Isn’t that just the cutest? Matches my shoes, dress, and purse…Obvi.”

With her speech well prepared and thoroughly thought through, Barb is set to take the spotlight during the 6th commercial break of the finale. However, already 15 minutes late, she has met with some unexpected delays, or as she puts it, her hair is behaving like “Lindsay Lohan at a coke party and [she] can’t find [her] Spanx anywhere.”

Barb gestures for me to turn around so she can exchange her regular bra for water bra. “Women need to empower themselves, y’know? You don’t see men killing themselves over their appearance. Frankly, I think it’s revolting. Models should just be regular people. Fat, skinny, old, young, whatever. No make-up, no cosmetic surgery, and definitely no Photoshop. Photoshopping is a crime against humanity, right? I cannot wait to open the eyes of some of the women at this party.”

Unfortunately, the snowballing momentum towards what would surely have been a life-changing speech is brought to a halt when Barb yells, “Fuck this, I’m going to bed,” after discovering the cat ate her fake eyelashes.

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