iPhones Give You Hemorrhoids


I bet the title of this article has Apple fan boys angry and Apple haters licking their chops at the opportunity to arm themselves with anti-Apple ammo. Truth is, all smartphones can lead you down the path to butt hurt, but putting “iPhone” in the title has a way of grabbing more attention and this topic needs some attention.

So read on intergalactic hero, Uranus depends on it.

Taking a deuce has never been more entertaining. Before the smartphone, you were lucky to find a wordy label on the back of a shampoo bottle at a friend’s house or a lengthy dialogue scratched into the the wall of a public restroom stall. But now you have games, books, social media, and even the internet right in your pocket. Unless you forget to charge your battery, you will never be bored while dropping the kids off at the pool ever again. Heck, passing the time is no longer even a problem in Browntown.

Before you slap a high five with technology, you should brace yourself for the painful truth. It’s not all fun and Fruit Ninja.

Hemorrhoids are no longer just for middle aged truck drivers or pregnant women (yes ladies, yet another possible joy of childbirth!). Hemorrhoids are soon to be all the rage with the youngsters! The new Bieber for your anus!


I retract that statement… Well, as much as you can retract a statement without actually deleting it. Also, by youngsters, I probably mean people in their late teens or early 20s and onwards.

How smartphones can lead to you sitting on a donut shaped pillow

Hemorrhoids are often created from prolonged pressure on the anus. Anus, yup that’s a funny word. So this means constipation, chronic diarrhea, and bus driving can lead to the huge pain in the ass that is ‘rhoids. You might be thinking, hey, with the amount of Taco Bell I eat, constipation will never be an issue. And bus driving? That’s only my third career choice. Well, now that we’re carrying entertainment in our pocket, prolonged potty breaks are soon to be a leading cause of ouchy in the butt in young adults. I warn you, if you Google “hemorrhoids” you may see some images that will be burned into your brain forever.

Here’s how it works.

Smartphone -> prolonged sitting on the toilet -> prolonged pressure on your cornhole -> hemorrhoids.

Don’t believe me? Check out Wikipedia:


Don’t trust Wikipedia? How about the Mayo Clinic’s guide to hemorrhoid prevention?


So indirectly, Angry Birds may lead to Angry Anus, Cut the Rope may lead to intense pain while cutting the brown rope, and Twitter may lead to bleeding in the shitter…I think you get it.

The lesson?

Don’t sit while you crap. Throw on some adult diapers and let ‘er rip. Okay, that’s not the lesson. The lesson is shit and get off the can. Five minutes should be more than enough time to conduct your business. Save your gaming for absolutely anywhere else or one day it might feel like your asshole is inside out.

Can you think of any other smartphone/hemorrhoid puns? Leave them in the comments below. Oh wait, I got one more: Potify!

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