I don’t remember how the topic came up, but I was at a party, delicious alcoholic drinks were being consumed, high-fives haphazardly exchanged, inhibitions loosely discarded and so on. My friend, after taking a long sip of his fourth or fifth Jack and Coke, threw out what I thought was the most outlandish claim ever, “Everyone pees in the shower, ” he said. Not some people or most people, but EVERYONE pees in the shower.
“No they don’t. I’ve never peed in the shower,” I replied shaking my head. It was the truth, I had never ever peed in the shower. So obviously, I was living, breathing, non-pissing in the shower proof his claim was false and because of this, I felt it my duty to take a party wide survey and prove that not only was my friend wrong, but that he was in the minority; most people DO NOT pee in the shower. I wouldn’t recommend taking such a survey when you’re at the office or on a crowded bus, but at a party, where people are deep in their cups, it’s the perfect time to take this survey. So I did.
I decided to start the survey with the guys. Let’s be honest, guys have almost no boundaries to what they will talk about. So the first few gents I asked whether or not they use their shower for a toilet answered with, “Sure, who doesn’t?” I was in shock. My whole world flipped upside down. More guys, seeing a great conversation in action, began to crowd around and claimed that, they too, yellow their soap bubbles. The survey was backfiring. The guys were turning on me. “Why don’t you pee in the shower?” They asked. I said something about it being unhygienic, about the shower being a “clean zone” or something to that effect. I mentioned the close proximity of the toilet, a vessel meant to drink up urine. They laughed. They pointed. They agreed that all the liquid drains into the same place, so it didn’t matter. They called over others to see me, the bizarre man who didn’t pee in the shower. I needed help and fast. I looked around for a savior. Women! Of course, the fairer sex. I pulled a few away from whatever civilized conversation they were having. I could already see what would happen. The ladies would say peeing the shower was gross or nasty or yucky and they would see me as a gentleman and the other dudes as filthy pigs. This was the perfect plan.
It didn’t work that way though.
The girls were like, “Do you expect me to get out of the shower, dry off, take a tinkle, and get back in?” I looked at them, wide-eyed. “Yes…?”
I kid you not, I was the only one at the party who had never peed in the shower. Even the 25 year old virgin was laughing at me.
The next day, I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and didn’t like what I saw. I was a freak. An outcast. Something had to be done. I knew it was time to answer the age old question: if all your friends peed in the shower, would you pee in the shower too? Turns out I would give it a try. To this day, it was one of the biggest tests I’ve faced in my life. My bladder fought the notion. It screamed, “Dude, the shower is on the ‘no pee list’ along with the bed, the kitchen, the carpet, the closet, on someone, and various other places where you told me to never let the flood gates open. This is anarchy.” My bladder followed certain rules and I respected her for never breaking them, but just this once, I needed a favor. So I pushed, but it was like trying to piss in the mall fountain during the Christmas rush. I closed my eyes and tried to accept the fact I’d never have respect from my friends, that this was one test I wouldn’t pass. I would never pee in the shower.
But then I did. My urine, along with my innocence went right down the drain. In the end, my friend was right…
Everyone pees in the shower.