Imagine receiving a package from another country. A package filled with magical items exclusive only to that country. Imagine receiving this package from someone you’ve never actually met in person. Those who are paranoid might see this as a recipe for disaster, but for me, this was a recipe for awesome.
This is the Australian Care Package…mate.
So a friend I met on Twitter, @RealJiveTurkey, decided to send a care package from Australia to my home in southern California. We have never met. Never spoken over the phone. We have simply conversed over Twitter and guest blogged for each other (check out his guest post here and his blog here). First he asks for my address. I’m skeptical, but trust him enough that he won’t show up on the middle of the night and unleash a rabid dingo on me or challenge me to a game of knifey-spooney and even if he did, that would be on hell of a story, wouldn’t it? A couple months later he sends the message: “Apparently the lid of the Vegemite wasn’t screwed on properly and because it contains exposed active yeast it can’t be posted. Yes. I’m sending you yeast.”
Who knew active yeast had so many limitations?
So at this point I’m thinking, was this Aussie actually trying to send me Vegemite? I’m almost certain I’d be getting followup message saying another package was returned because you can’t ship koala bears in a shoe box overseas. Months later, after not hearing anything about the care package, I get another message from him asking for my shoe size. I’ve played along for this long, may as well answer the question (by the way, it’s size 13 if you want to send me a sweet pair of kicks too).
Then it happened. A notice in the mail saying I have a package from Australia. I can’t remember the last time anyone has sent me a care package from anywhere let alone one from the other side of the planet. So instantly, I’m doing back-flips of excitement. @RealJiveTurkey is instantly recognized as one of the coolest people ever.
Okay, let’s take a look at what was in the package.
Arnott’s Tim Tam
It’s hard to see, but on the package, under the word “ORIGINAL” there is the claim that Tim Tam are “The most irresistible chocolate biscuit” and I tested that claim, and guess what, mate? It’s true. What I did was allow my friend to have a few, then I left one last Tim Tam in the package with very specific instructions that the last Tim Tam was mine. She was fine with this as she had eaten many of them and they were my Tim Tam and came all the way from Australia. It’s not like I can mosey on over to Ralph’s and pick up more Tim Tam anytime I please. Not long after, maybe a few days or so, she asked if she could have the last Tim Tam.
I thought my instructions were clear.
I told her no, and that I will eat the final Tim Tam when the time was right. A few more days passed and she continued to ask if she could eat the Tim Tam. The first rule about the last Tim Tam is that you do not ask to eat the last Tim Tam. The second rule is that you DO NOT ask to eat the last Tim Tam. She couldn’t accept the fact this was my Tim Tam and I was going to eat it whenever I chose. You know what though, I don’t blame her for this. This is the supernatural power of the Tim Tam. Just for those wondering, my friend and I ended up splitting the Tim Tam. I did this partially because I’m a nice guy and partially because I didn’t want her to kill me in my sleep. I don’t recommend doing this experiment. I’m almost certain that under some circumstances, someone would kill for a Tim Tam. If you can get your hands on these delicious biscuits, do it.
West Coast Eagles Shorts
If you don’t live in Australia, you probably have no idea who the West Coast Eagles are. I used the power of Google to figure it out. They’re a football team in the Australian Football League. This is Aussie rules football, which means that instead of a regular American football, they use a frozen baby koala, and instead of wearing protective equipment, they wrap themselves in poisonous snakes. NOTE: The shorts are satin and really short so I instantly become 1200 times sexier when wearing them.
Volleys are shoes that feel like socks with rubber on the bottom. Amazingly comfortable. From what I’m told, they’re all the rage in Australia and I quote, “Getting Volleys is like getting a green card.” What’s even better is that this particular pair of kicks matches my bike. What is life like when your shoes match your bike? It feels like I’m a King. A King who rides a colorful bike.
Red Dog on DVD
This was a perfect gift because my VHS copy of Red Dog has been completely warn out from watching it so many times. The amazing Aussie tagline for this movie: “He’s been everywhere mate.” Canada’s equivalent dog movie might have the tagline, “He’s stick handled on all the ponds, eh?” The only problem with this beauty of a gift is that because of the Aussie DVD regional coding, the only way I can watch this DVD is to carefully replace the electronic innards of my DVD player with kangaroo feces.
Tubby the Wombat
Tubby the Wombat is the coolest wombat on the planet. The card that is attached to his ear mentions that wombats are nicknamed “bulldozer of the bush.” How pimp is that? He may look cute and innocent, but he will steal and sexually educate your girlfriend in less time than it takes to watch a Paul Hogan Subaru commercial.
Muriel’s Wedding on DVD
I’ve heard of this movie. I haven’t seen it and because of regional coding issues, that may never change. The tagline is “Success is the best revenge.” Nowhere in that tagline do they mention anything remotely Australian. Perhaps a better tagline would have been: “Having a dingo eat your nemesis’s baby is the best revenge.” Problem solved. Not only is the new tagline more Aussie-like, but it’s more accurate too.
Vegemite is right up there with kangaroos, koalas, Crocodile Dundee, and Foster’s on the list of things you think about when you think of Australia. What does it taste like to someone who has never ever had it? Well, I’m not going to get into that today, because that topic deserves its own post. Let’s just say it’s a unique taste. I can’t see this jar without thinking about the Men at Work song, “Land Down Under” in which they sing the line: “He just smiled and gave me a Vegemite sandwich.” Aaaaaand the song is in my head again. Watch the video, it’s recognized as a national documentary on Australia. Hell, it has guys jumping around like kangaroos.
I’d like to thank @RealJiveTurkey for the coolest gift sent in the mail ever. Read his blog, he’s got a lot of talent. One day I will send him the Canadian care package, but it’s a little hard as I currently live in the USA and don’t feel like I could properly put together a US care package. Also, I think the United States care package would have to contain fireworks and a handgun, which might have similar limitations to yeast.