Pope Benedict XVI Resigns to Devote More Time to World of Warcraft

The 265th Pope has resigned. Early reports claimed the Pope, Benedict XVI, stepped down from the position for health reasons, but the Ex-Pope was quick to dispel these rumors. “When I said resigning for health reasons, I meant the health of my level 47 Death Knight in WoW. The little dude is getting pwned on the regular. I knew that if I didn’t focus more time into building him up, he wouldn’t have a prayer navigating Pandaria. Let’s just say when that in a few months, the WoW community will be praying to me.”

By WoW, Benny is referring to World of Warcraft, a massively multiplayer online role-playing game (MMORPG) created by Blizzard Entertainment played by millions of gamers worldwide. The former Pope admitted to getting into World of Warcraft during the Mr. T ad campaign, citing a great admiration for T’s jewelry collection, “badass” mohawk, and seemingly infinite capacity to pity the po’ fool. “Po’ fools require more pity than anyone else and T is willing to bestow this,” said Benedict. When questioned whether he thought Mr. T could be the next Pope, Benny replied, “Oh my goodness no, we’d never elect a black Pope. What are you going to ask me next, if the next Pope will be a woman? That’s funny stuff. I needed that.”

Why now, of all times, had the Pope decided to quit? Benny had apparently seen the infamous fail of Leeroy Jenkins video (click here for video) and realized that he was just like Leeroy. “Me, one of the most influential people on the planet, the main pimp of the Catholic Church, being pwned by noobs all.day.long,” he said, shaking his head. “Can you imagine? I would ask God to smite the little fuckers, but God’s power is over Earth not over Azeroth. I can’t be like Leeroy Jenkins. That dude is going straight to Hell for what he did. I’ll see to it myself if I have to.”

When asked if there were any other reasons why he was quitting, he nodded and said, “Well, I was led to believe the Popemobile would be cooler, but did you know that it doesn’t even have a turbo-boost ability? I was expecting something more like the Batmobile or KITT from Knight Rider. I stuck around anyway because the hats were pretty bitchin’.”

The Pope will trade his holy garments for enchanted armor, his throne for a black riding goat mount, and his prayers for spells this weekend when he sits down for what he describes as “the first of many all night nerdfests.”

Does the Pope have a lot of friends on WoW? He says no, but claims he has no problem finding kids who will join him in hunting for loot in dark caves.

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