America voted, and the worst first name is…

About 10% of Americans who voted in this year’s presidential election also received the special opportunity to vote for the worst first name of all-time. The option was simple, a write in ballot that asked what the voter thought was the worst first name (male or female)?

You’d think with names like Mitt and Barack fresh on the mind, one of those would have been the winner, but no, not even close.  In fact, the winner won by a margin pollsters could hardly have imagined. The results were so lopsided that multiple fraud checks were completed to verify the information. Not the slightest evidence of fraud was found.

“Anyone who thinks the results are suspect need only hear the name that won to dispel any suspicions. I’ve never heard a name that could make people physically ill. My name is Mildred, so I know all about awful names, but the sound of this name to my ears is equivalent to hearing my cat died,” said Dr. Mildred Huffman, head of the team leading the fraud investigation. “At least with the name Mildred you can go by Millie.”

We’ve been asked to instruct you to sit down before we reveal the winner as hearing the name has been compared to coming down with severe sea sickness. We’ve also been asked to make sure you’re over 18, not on any strong medication, or are not past the second trimester of pregnancy as hearing the name could cause permanent damage to the baby.

The winner, by a landslide…

Keegan (variant forms: Kagan, Kagen, Keagan, Keagen, Keegen, Keeghan and Kegan).

“It’s funny, a lot of names come to mind in terms of being the worst, but once you hear Keegan, the other names disappear,” said Boris Bolchenkov, shuddering after he spoke the name. “You can’t even say the name without sounding like you have some kind of speech impediment. The transition between syllables produces the most terrible sound in the back of your throat. It’s reminiscent of the sound you hear just before you vomit. It’s no wonder the name is being posted with warnings.”

RIGHT: Katie Holmes attempting the ear-bleeding Kee-gan syllable transition. LEFT: Katie’s daughter, Suri, grimacing at the sound of the transitional hiss.

There are other speculations as to why the name is being called the stomach turner. Clancy O’Grady, who we encountered outside an Irish pub at 11am, had this to say: “Keegan sounds a lot like that vag exercise chicks do. Y’know, the Heigl exercise. No, no, it’s the Kegel exercise. I was thinking of that chick in Knocked Up. Don’t pregnant broads do that exercise too? Do you think Heigl was doing the Kegel? Whatever, let’s not talk about Keegan no more, it shrinks my arsehole if you catch my drift.”

We apologize for his language, but there is a good point to be found in what he said. Keegan does resemble Kegel a little bit.

Since the results were made public, backlash was expected. Many believed supporters of the name would come forward in order to defend the name, but as of this point, that isn’t the case. In fact, people you might expect to support the name have been making it public that they agree with the results.

“It was a dare. ‘Name your kid Keegan,” my friend said. I was like no way, but she upped the ante, ‘I double-dog dare you.’ Who can resist the challenge of a double-dog dare? One dog maybe, but two? You can’t pass up a dare containing two dogs.” shared Barb Weaver. Mother of Keegan Weaver. “It probably didn’t help that I was completely wasted when I accepted the challenge. To think of the permanent psychological damage I caused that poor son of a bitch. That kid probably set a record for getting the most atomic wedgies ever. Heck, I gave him a few myself. I mean, Keegan? Seriously, how can you not want to pull the waistband of his underwear up over his head with a name like that. I paid for the new underwear, so that kind of gave me the right to do it, right? I should probably apologize.  He’ll be out of therapy in a couple of hours, I can do it then. Unless, of course, you double-dog dare me not to.”

Barb wasn’t the only parent to realize the mistake they had made. One parent, who preferred to remain anonymous, said of naming his son Keegan,”I may as well have tattooed ‘beaver fever’ on his forehead while I was at it. I’m being told by my wife that I meant Bieber fever.” Another parent claimed she had tried to turn herself into police custody for the torment she had inflicted on her child.

Psychologists are conducting research into why such a terrible name would be inflicted upon an innocent baby. “Preliminary research is showing a strong correlation between alcoholism and naming your son Keegan. Other results show that people are naming their son Keegan as a legal alternative to hitting their child,” explains Dr. Amy Cheung, social psychologist. “What I mean by that is that the parents believe in hitting their kids for punishment, but since the law doesn’t allow it, they just named the kid Keegan.”

We also had a number of Keegans approach us and tell us their horror stories. “I’d rather have someone punch me in the stomach than say my name aloud. Eventually I started going by my middle name, Dwayne,” explained Keegan Dwayne Stenhauer. “‘What’s in a name?’, asked Shakespeare. A whole helluva lot I’d say. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, unless that rose was called Keegan. Then I’m certain it would smell like armpit dipped in garbage water.”

At this point in time, petitions are circulating the United States in an effort to have the name banned. New Zealand has already banned the name, proclaiming it to be a form of child abuse. Citizens are being advised to refrain from saying Keegan whenever possible.

Follow CC on ...