Skyrim Dawnguard DLC Updates

You know what’s wrong with Skyrim these days? There’s no DLC.

17 year old Jeffrey Barker walked outside, rubbed his eyes and looked up to the sky. “There’s no dragons,” he muttered. “My mom said to go outside and have fun, but I’ve been out here for all of 30 seconds and haven’t been attacked by a bandit yet. The real sun is way too bright. And look at my hands! Do you think these suckers could throw fireballs? Real life blows.” With those words, he turned around and walked back inside slamming the door behind him.

Armchair Dovahkiin everywhere have been traversing the beautiful landscape of Skyrim for hundreds of hours looting, shouting, enchanting, smithing, killing, pillaging and even stopping to smell the nightshade since the game’s November 2011 release date.  The fans are far from done with this game though and hunger for even more Skyrim goodness (and maybe a sweetroll to boot).

“My wife asked me to wash the dishes,” said 40-year old Wisconsin resident, Richard Hawkins. “You call that a quest? The Companions asked me to kill a coven of witches and bring back their heads. Wield a dishcloth or a battle axe? Tough choice. If my wife mentions cleaning the gutters again I might be beheading a witch after all.”

Rumors have flooded the interwebs about what the possible DLC will contain: dragon mounts, horse armor, a return to Morrowind? All we know is that Skyrim developer, Bethesda, has filed a patent for the word “Dawnguard,” which we assume is either related to the upcoming DLC or a new anti-perspirant for women.

The lack of Skyrim DLC has slowly transformed regular gamers into ugly, murderous, under-the-bridge-dwelling trolls with terrible grammar, and on top of that, there seems to be an epidemic of broken caps lock buttons. It is clear the dragonborn are getting restless.

There have been roughly thousands of comments about the DLC taking an arrow to the knee and many seemingly out of place comments about BF3 being greater than MW3 and Dark Souls winning. Winning what? No one seems to know anymore.

Earlier in the month Bethesda tweeted “Tomorrow” and included the below picture. Fans and bloggers alike assumed the upcoming announcement must be about Skyrim DLC and the chants of “FUS-RO-DAH” could be heard echoing in the streets, and by streets I mean in poorly lit living rooms, bedrooms and basements everywhere.

It turned out the preview was for a new game called Dishonored and dishonored is exactly how Skyrim fans felt when they found out the awful truth. Never anger the dragonborn. Never. Dishonored, known as the game that wasn’t Skyrim DLC, is now despised by Skyrim fans everywhere.

On the bright side, Skyrim players have had a lot more free time.

“I had some sex the other day,” bragged Bryce Andrews from Saskatoon. “The last time I had sex was B.S. (Before Skyrim). With no DLC I guess I got bored and thought sex might be kind of okay. Met a girl at the bar, can’t remember her name, but I called her Lydia. I brought her home and we got busy. Of course she left midway through because I kept calling her my housecarl and demanding she give me an heir. Women, right? I cannot wait for the DLC.”

What’s worse, if you don’t have an Xbox 360 you will have to wait an additional 30 days to get your hands on the DLC.

The promise of more DLC information, a screenshot, or a release date has Skyrimmers (that sounds dirty) doing anything and everything to get more information.

“I let him put it in there,” said disgruntled girlfriend, Sarah Evans. “My boyfriend said he had exclusive screenshots from the DLC, but he’d only let me see them if I let him put the you know what in the you know where, ” She paused, grimacing and rubbing her posterior. “When I found out there were no screenshots afterwards I told him he wouldn’t be putting it anywhere for a really long time.”

Bloggers continue to bombard us with half-truths, speculation, and fantastical rumors to garner site traffic and increase the already feverish anticipation for the DLC. The titles of these blog posts are often terribly misleading in hopes of ambushing the dovahkiin and thus far these false titles have been working incredibly well. We here at ask, who would ever stoop so low to create misleading titles?

The latest news from Bethesda’s marketing dude, Pete Hines, can be seen below:

So we should know more by next week. In the meantime, go get some sun and converse with someone who isn’t an NPC, because not only is Skyrim DLC on the way, Diablo 3 is coming out soon too. Goodbye summer of 2012.

On May 1st, 2012 Bethesda confirmed the DLC will be called Dawnguard and released the below picture. Release date still pending.

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