I attended a sporting event recently and my friend leaned over and said, “The lighting in here must be really good, because all the girls look hot from a distance, but up close, they don’t look so great.”
Ah yes, the old good from far, but far from good mystery. A mirage which has sent many a man turning and running back to his friends to give them a surprising scouting report. Upon further investigation, I realized it wasn’t the lighting making the girls exceed their hotness potential, it was the fact that the girls were decked out in sports jerseys.
Also known as The Jersey Effect (not to be confused with The Jersey Shore Effect, which is essentially destroying our planet).
Why and how does The Jersey Effect work?
The complexity of the jersey effect has scientists working night and day to formulate a solution, but really, they could have just asked me. I have it all figured out.
1. Owning a jersey increases the likelihood the girl has at least some sports knowledge. Many a girl will claim to know sports well, but upon further questioning, you realize her claim is a sham to make her seem more likable. “Uh, my favorite player on the Habs? Um…Wayne Gretzky?” A girl with a jersey may know nothing about sports, but the commitment and cost of buying a sports jersey increases the likelihood she knows the sport and wait, is she wearing a Yankees jersey without a name on the back to achieve maximum authenticity? Ya, guys dig that.
2. The girl in a jersey is often a stark contrast to the woman most men have at home. Every guy who loves sports wishes his girlfriend or wife loved sports too. Because perhaps then she would never drag him away from a game 7 to talk about feelings or tell him she doesn’t care about a no-hitter through seven innings, because Say Yes to the Dress is on RIGHT NOW.
3. The girl in the jersey, for the moment, appears to be perfect. She may be 12 rows up from you, but because she has long blonde hair and is wearing a vintage Steve Yzerman jersey, she must be perfect. Guys constantly fill a girl’s unknown qualities and characteristics with qualities and characteristics he wishes she had. What would she be like to date? Well, from the information available to you at the present time she must want to drink beer, watch sports, and hopefully, give you BJs all the time. She absolutely must be perfect.
4. Jerseys are often baggy, and because of this, her body type remains, largely, an unknown. You already feel positively about the girl in the jersey, so you make the assumption that underneath the jersey must be a flat stomach and bosom till next week’s series against the Red Sox, which falls on a Tuesday. So in short, she has bosom till Tuesday.
5. The jersey effect is amplified by beer goggles. Beer and sports go together and if you’re wearing beer goggles, the jersey effect is so powerful that from far away the girl in the jersey whose nickname was, accurately “Dogface” in College, looks hot to you.
The take home message: beware the girl in a sports jersey, she may be a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Oh, and girls who want to meet guys might want to consider picking up a jersey.