Remember the Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore days? Comedy gold. That was over a decade and half ago. Since his heyday we’ve seen a steady decline in the quality of Sandler’s films to the point where his films like You Don’t Mess with the Zohan and Jack and Jill are not only bad, but so terrible they make you shake your head in disappointment just at the shear mention of them. There are some mediocre movies Sandler mixed in (Punch Drunk Love, The Wedding Singer, etc) that make you wonder if he’s starting to find his groove again, but it’s time to face it, it’s over. The price, unfortunately, is wrong…bitch. Adam set a record by winning ten Razzies this year. Ten. That’s like ten hard slaps to the face. It’s not only the movies he stars in that stink worse than your uncle’s hangover poops, it’s also films Sandler writes and produces such as the atrocity that was Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star. I’m sorry to say this Mr. Sandler, it’s time to pick up your magic remote and press STOP.
Sarah Jessica Parker
Oh Sex and the City fans might not like this one, but SJP is really really bad. Besides Sex and the City she hasn’t done anything of note, and no, I refuse to count Failure to Launch as a success. She’s been typecast into romantic comedies for roles that could better be filled by Kate Hudson, Jennifer Lopez or Jennifer Anniston: AKA, women who don’t look like their initiation into Hollywood was a thunderous paddling with the ugly stick. The Honeymoon in Vegas is over and it’s going to take some Extreme Measures or some kind of Hocus Pocus to get her back onto the A-List. SJP, hang up your Minolo Blahniks, it’s over.
Eddie Murphy’s prime was so long ago that most of the kids these days only know him as the donkey from Shrek. In fact, no matter what kind of crap he’s done recently and what kind of garbage he will do in the future, he will still be known as a legend in comedy. Delirious and Raw are still thought of as two of the best stand-up comedy acts ever performed. If you haven’t seen them, go and educate yourself on comedy and the awfulness of 80’s fashion. Ok, I’ve talked enough about the good, let’s get to the bad. Eddie Murphy went from being one of the foulest mouth comedians in Beverly Hills Cop and 48 Hrs, to Daddy Day Care and Dr. Dolittle. I’m not sure if age or family life castrated Mr. Murphy, but he’s never been the same. Eddie Murphy, you will always be a legend, but your 48 Hrs are up.
This was a tough one to put on the list, because Jessica Alba is very easy on the loins. I’ll admit, I’ve watched Into the Blue a little longer than anyone really should, just because she was in it, but it’s not enough. She is not a good actress. She is meant for magazine covers and in a perfect world, pornography. Good Luck Chuck, The Fantastic Four, The Love Guru? Not good Jessica, not good. Perhaps it’s time for you to go from Into the Blue to into retirement…in my pants.
Big Momma’s House and Big Momma’s House 2. Enough said. Wazzzup, Martin? The end, we hope.
Nick Cage – You must be wondering how Nick Cage didn’t make this list. Truth is, I don’t think he should stop making movies, I just think he should stop making so many movies that are bad. Overexposure is killing him. Well, that and his stupid face. He has a lot of good films to his credit, but just seems to take every single movie offered to him. Read the script? No, no. Just write me a check and I’ll see you on the set.
Chris Rock – It’s funny how being a funny stand-up comic doesn’t translate into making funny movies. Thankfully, he doesn’t make many movies, which is why he’s not on the list.
Keanu Reeves – You can knock Keanu Reeves’ acting ability all day long. He is not good, but he is in a lot of decent flicks. Bram Stoker’s Dracula, The Matrix, The Devil’s Advocate, etc. How Keanu’s agent is able to trick the directors into casting Keanu is nothing short of amazing.