A Breakthrough in Facial Recognition

When I saw you sitting across the coffeehouse, slurping an iced coffee,  I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. Had we met before, in this life or another?

Your jeans were so tight right down to the ankles, and your bright white shoes were high-topped and untied, but it wasn’t your jeans and shoes that entranced me.  No, it was your face. There was something about your face that held my gaze.

If your face were on the back of a shampoo bottle I’d never bring a magazine into the bathroom.

You wore Beats By Dr. Dre on top of your Justin Bieber-esque haircut. The music pulsing from your headphones sounded like an orchestra of cartoon laser guns and high speed wall-kicking. A hunched over elderly woman tapped you on the shoulder, pointed at your headphones and gestured for you to turn down the volume. You smiled an all gum smile that even a horse would shudder at, and shook your head no and shooed her away. For me, the music faded into the background. Your face. Your face is all I wanted to look at. I couldn’t understand what drew me in, and until I did, I could not, would not look away.

If your face was on the front of a box of kids cereal, I’d never do the maze on the back.

My heart raced as I stared at you. My hands shook eagerly. I wanted to cry and laugh and scream all at the same time. Your face, I could frame it and hang it in my living room. Guests would see it and say, Hmm. They too, wouldn’t be able to look away. I’d ask why they were mesmerized by your face in the hopes they could solve the mystery. I suspect they could not.

You took a bite of a whoopie pie and chomped on it like a dog eating peanut butter. You wiped a bit of the cream filling from your face with your hand and then smeared it on the chair next to you even though there was a napkin sitting on the table. The server saw this and mouthed, What the fuck, and stared at your face. At that moment I understood why I couldn’t stop staring at your face…

I wanted to punch it. Oh so badly. I wanted to slingshot my fist right into your stupid mouth and send you sprawling to the floor. Once I broke the ice others would lineup to follow my lead. Hand shakes and high fives would commence as everyone participated in and enjoyed a parade of punches right into your goddamn stupid, stupid face.

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  • Ignoring, just for a moment, the violent tone towards the end, I have to first say I admire it as a excellent piece of  prose. Some great lines throughout, and overall a fantastic composition. Now back to the violence, quite a humorous punchline (no pun intended). I’ve felt like that many a time before. Felt that way about someone today as a matter of fact.

    • Thanks! As for the ending, well, you know any serious prose can’t last long on this blog.

  • I agree with TS’s post, and there’s even some poetry in the violence. This line in particular: “slingshot my fist right into your stupid mouth.” It’s like something you’d hear in an oldies love song.

    Also I like that this is filed under ‘Things you should do’ and ‘WTF.’

    • Oldies love songs meet angry death metal.

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