The Superbowl: A Football Game or Your Toilet?

With toilets doing almost ten times their regular workload yesterday, many football fans were left wondering if, in fact, the toilet was the real Superbowl.

Bill Sandusky from Pensacola Florida couldn’t have been happier with his 19 year old toilet named Noreen, after his ex-wife, “Sure the game was great, but with the crazy amount of Taylor’s Famous Five Meat Chili my friends and I ate, and we’re big big fat mofos, like most of us will be dead within the next ten years, I just could not believe my toilet only got clogged three times. Unlike my actual ex-wife, this Noreen just kept on swallowing. Can you believe it, five meats? Dude, I can’t even name five meats.”

Carl Fleming, from Hoboken, New Jersey shared similar sentiments, “My one friend, Sweet Dave, brought over the hottest wings ever. Suicide wings? Nah, more like genocide wings. My dumbass friends, unwilling to admit the goddamn wings were too spicy, kept on eating them. I’ve never seen so many elbows being thrown to get dibs on the can during the commercial break. Grown men fighting over a toilet. Just ridiculous. I mean, these guys nearly killed each other. Sure, I’ll need a fire hose to clean out that bathroom, but besides a hairline crack on the seat and a few stains even God couldn’t get out, ol’ faithful is no worse for wear. MVP? Only if the ‘P’ stands for porcelain.”

While there were many inspiring stories such as those, some toilet bowls just couldn’t survive the onslaught. With tears in her eyes, Brenda Banks, from Brooklyn New York, recollected her horror story:

“One quarter. That’s how long our toilet lasted. I told Joe we needed a second washroom a hundred times, and he’s always like, ‘why?’ This is why, Joe.  This is why. So Joe’s friend, Big Ben, came over with a wicked whiskey hangover and decided a 6-pack of German sausages and a couple gallons of Bloody Marys would right the sinking ship. It was late in the first quarter when Big Ben started shaking like that J. Fox guy. Then he started sweating and having severe stomach pains. The stubborn oaf nearly lost consciousness just so he wouldn’t miss a second of game time. Quarter ended and Joe put an arm around Big Ben and dragged him to the john. Seconds later we heard something that sounds like a gunshot, not even kidding I almost called 9-1-1. Oh boy, and then Big Ben drunkenly sauntered out of the washroom with a huge grin on his face and a river of brown water following on the floor behind him. You didn’t need to be no Sherlock Holmes to know something wasn’t right. When I checked it out I never expected to see what I saw. Our toilet bowl was split right down the middle. Big Ben must’ve dropped a New York Giant of his own. Christ almighty, we had to dig a latrine in the backyard to get through the rest of the game. You know how hard it is to dig a latrine in February? And Joe, he makes me do it. Yeesh, superbowl? I think not.”

Although the football game was supposed to take center stage, in the end it was the game of thrones that captivated people everywhere. It is on these days we raise our glass and salute our hardworking friends who are there through thick and thin to take all the crap we can dish out.

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