How to Win at Valentine’s Day

I have to tell guys this every year: Valentine’s Day isn’t about you. You don’t like Valentine’s Day? Tough titties. If you like or love your woman, you’ll get off your lazy ass and do something. Anything. Remember when you were single on Valentine’s Day and you would think, boy I wish I had a special girl to touch to me in my dark and hairy area? Well, you do now. Don’t eff it up.

Valentine’s Day Ideas

Girls don’t need hot air balloon rides or the timely release of doves on Valentine’s Day. Classics like dinner and movie work well or you can attempt some more original Valentine’s Day ideas like taking cooking or dancing lessons, going to a shooting range, anal, rock climbing or even visiting a couple online casinos. The idea is to do something together. That’s it. Here’s a checklist to guarantee a good Valentine’s Day:

Are you there?………………………………..[ ] YES     [ ] NO (If NO, you’ve failed)
Is she there?…………………………………..[ ] YES     [ ] NO (If NO, you’ve failed)
Are you doing something together?.…....[ ] YES     [ ] NO (If NO, you’ve failed)

If you’re lacking a reason as to why you should do anything for Valentine’s Day, besides the obvious reason of making your lady happy, here are some selfish reasons you should consider.

1. Other guys are being romantic and making you look like an asshole. Girls talk. Whether it’s via phone/text/email or just a quick status update on Facebook, your girl is hearing about the loving gestures her friends are getting from their men and these gestures are making you look like a douchebag. This will probably just put you in the doghouse for a couple of days but there is always a chance it may lead to your wife leaving you for her yoga instructor who you assumed was gay. Guess what, he’s not. Just ask your wife’s vagina. Oh right, you’re no longer on speaking terms.

FACT: In the days leading up to Valentine’s Day, your past V-Day record has been put on trial, judged, and sentenced by your girl and her friends. Because of this, your lady’s friends are no longer fans of yours and may already be sizing up potential replacements.

ALSO: If you care, stop being a jerkface.

2. Being romantic acts as repellant to guys trying to move in on your territory. I said this before and I’ll say it again, someone else wants your girlfriend. Don Juan is constantly looking for flaws and weak points in your relationship barrier so he can penetrate that barrier and eventually penetrate your girlfriend. For every slip-up you do, Don Juan will exploit your error in order to make you look worse and him look better. When you do something romantic, your girl will share this info with others and strengthen the barrier, essentially repelling Don Juan towards an easier, more vulnerable target, like your sister.

FACT: Sending flowers to your lady’s place of work is essentially equal to walking into her office, dropping trou, and hosing down the place. Territory marked.

ALSO: It makes her feel like a rock star.

3. Girls have a long memory when it comes to you screwing up. As much as you think you’re able to mop up your annual Valentine’s massacre, you’ve actually left a fair bit of blood and guts on the walls. One day your lady is going to come to you with a spleen in her hand and say, “Remember this?” Future you will hate present you for your complete lack of foresight. Heck, he may even kick you in the balls for it. When you ignore Valentine’s Day, you’re gambling with your relationship and if you’re going to gamble, you’re better off gambling on sports or casino games, because at least then you have a better chance of winning.

FACT: Do the right thing, because you’ll never live down the wrong thing.

ALSO: Doing the right thing is a pretty crucial aspect to a good relationship.

4. Your life will be better for it. Obviously pleasing your woman is secondary to you, but if you’re good to her, she’ll return the favor. Don’t you hate when your girlfriend or wife complains about stupid shit? Well, half the stupid shit she complains about is based on stupid shit you’ve been shoveling her over the years. Stop shovelling.

In Conclusion…You should be romantic because it makes her happy, but if that isn’t motivating enough, see above.

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  • I hate Don Juan. He’s not just waiting to steal your girl ya’ know, he also likes to steal cars. Or was that his brother Tom Juan? Plus I hate that “I’m Number Juan” shirt he wears all the time.

    Good thought out post. And I liked the way you just slipped things casually into the list of original activities to participate in. 

    • I wish I had a “I’m Number Juan” shirt and I think you do too.

      I slipped that particular item in very casually, as it should be done in real life.

      • Yes, yes I do want a shirt like that. Way to call me on it.

  • Laura M

    Valentines Day is a flowers for blowjobs exchange program!

    http://youtu.be/NSTB0eotF1Y

    • So much better than the guns for toys program.

  • haha oh man, the “casual addition” as Tim put it killed me. I don’t think I paid attention for the next paragraph because I kept thinking of that and laughing.

    Also – I will remember this post fondly next time I have a romantic time (ow ow).

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