If you’ve been to enough parties, you’ve probably had a run in with these douchebags.
The “Do you like music?” Douchebag
Why it’s an act of douchebaggery: Find me a person who doesn’t like music. The DB asking this question is expecting you to reply, “yes”, with which they will counter with, “No, I mean do you really like music?”
What to expect: A conversation about obscure indie bands. Because the douchebag is aware of such bands and you are not, they must like music more than you do.
Defusing the douchebag: Simply reply, “No, I don’t like music” and walk away shaking your head, leaving the douchebag well aware that his question was moronic.
Identifying the douchebag: The douchebag can usually be seen wearing an obscure band shirt in the hopes someone will ask him about it.
The “Are you a scotch man?” Conversation
Why it’s an act of douchebaggery: The person asking this question cares less about whether you like scotch or not, and more about
impressing boring you with their knowledge of scotch.
What to expect: A conversation about how to drink scotch, what makes a good scotch, and some not so subtle hints that this person clearly thinks they are superior to everyone who doesn’t drink scotch.
Defusing the douchebag: Point to the “do you like music?” douchebag and say, “I don’t like scotch, but that guy does, go talk to him.”
Identifying the douchebag: This douchebag is usually overdressed for the party, and is smiling smugly while swirling his glass of scotch.
The Douchebag who Hits on Your Girlfriend or Wife Right in Front of You
Why it’s an act of douchebaggery: Do I really have to explain?
What to expect: The douchebag will find a common interest with your special lady. Often he will choose something you obviously wouldn’t have in common with your partner: maybe a love of horses, Twilight, or shoe shopping. At that point, he will say, “Well if you boyfriend doesn’t want to see it with you, we should definitely go see the next Twilight movie together!”
Defusing the douchebag: A swift jab to the nose usually does the trick. The other option is to go see Twilight with your girlfriend. So really, there’s only one option.
Identifying the douchebag: This douchebag can usually be seen pinballing from one girl to the next, while expertly deflecting the pain of rejection.
The “I only drink imported beer” Douchebag
Why it’s an act of douchebaggery: Snobbery at its finest, this douchebag thinks everything imported must be better.
What to expect: If you’re drinking a domestic brew, be prepared to have it referred to as “piss” by this douchebag.
Defusing the douchebag: Whether it’s true or not, point out that in the country the beer they’re drinking is brewed, it’s referred to as piss by the locals.
Identifying the douchebag: This douchebag can be found turning his nose up at everyone. There’s also a good chance he’s wearing a scarf, even though he’s indoors.
The “I only use Apple products” Douchebag
Why it’s an act of douchebaggery: This douchebag will use any and every opportunity to show you his/her brand new Apple product even if the subject of Apple, electronics, or cult worship was never breached.
What to expect: Expect unwarranted (and warranted) Microsoft bashing and trashing of any phone that doesn’t have an ‘i’ in front of its name.
Defusing the douchebag: Key the side of his/her Volkswagen.
Identifying the douchebag: He/she will be texting and playing with their phone ad nauseum.
“The only tequila I drink is Patron (or Don Julio)” Douchebag
Why it’s an act of douchebaggery: This douchebag will appear whenever tequila shots are being poured or distributed to make you feel like a less of a human being for drinking –*GASP*– a less than premium tequila.
What to expect: If you’re drinking any tequila that’s not Patron or Don Julio, be prepared to have it referred to as “piss” by this douchebag.
Identifying the douchebag: This douchebag blends into his surroundings seamlessly, only to appear when tequila is being shot, and not sipped. This douchebag is often also known for being the “I only drink Grey Goose” douchebag.