Waldo Declares Himself “The Original Hipster”

Waldo, from Where’s Waldo? fame, took his life today by jumping off the edge of a cliff. He had been running for more than 20 years, but was unable to escape the watchful eyes of children everywhere. He left this letter to his fans:

Dearest fans,

You’ve been looking for me for a long time. When you found me you’d exclaim, “There’s Waldo!” and I’d reply, “Yup, here I am. What do you want?”

But you never wanted anything from me. You never asked how I was doing or what I was up to. You tortured me for no reason. You’re a bully. You couldn’t leave me alone, could you? I just wanted to travel in peace.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but I wasn’t hiding. If I wanted to hide I would have changed my sweater or grew a beard. Did you ever think of that?

To all you obnoxious pricks who suggested I wear some different clothes:

I love this sweater, it’s gnarly beyond belief. And my sweet thick-rimmed spectacles and beanie with the pom-pom? Badass. I started the whole hipster look.

Quote me on this: I AM the original hipster. Check out the included diagram or Google it you little shits. It’s a well known fact.

With everyone dressing like me you’d think I could finally blend in with the crowd. Kids are like bloodhounds though. So today, tired of all the bullshit that’s transpired over the years, I’m ending it all.

Guess which turd-licker isn’t going to be there when I die? Besides you, it’s that stinky old wizard dude. He claims he sent me on my travels. That geezer is nuts. I do not know him. Wherever I go, I turn around and the coned-hat motherfucker right behind me, dragging his dirty ass beard along with him. It is in no way cool beans. Weird thing is, he never wanted to talk, he just wanted to be noticed, to be famous.

If that wasn’t bad enough, when The Lord of the Rings came out, The Wiz started getting all Gandalfy. He’d still follow me from city to city, but on top of that he was quoting Gandalf the fucking Grey on the regular. Did I mention The Wiz doesn’t even wear shoes? Totes Mcgross.

I hate The Wiz.

Whatever, I’m done. If I can’t be myself without being hounded by little snot-nosed kids and The Wiz, forget it. The search is over kids. Maybe now I’ll rest in peace.

Adios crap-faces,

— Wally (That’s right, my real name isn’t Waldo)*

*While many in North America know the striped-shirted nomad as Waldo, his original name, and how he is known in many other parts of the world, is Wally. Besides those names, Waldo has many other aliases worldwide (see below).

Including:

Croatian – Jura

Czech – Valík

Danish – Holger

Estonian – Volli

Finnish – Vallu

French – Charlie

German – Walter

Hebrew – Efi

Hindi – Hetti

Hungarian – Vili

Icelandic – Valli

Italian – Ubaldo

Norweigian – Willy

Spanish – Wally

Swedish – Valle

Turkish – Veli

Welsh – Wali

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