Nude Photos of Scarlett Johansson Leak onto the Internet, the World Cheers

I’m not a religious man, but when naked pics of my beloved Scarlett Johansson leaked all over the interwebs and onto the screens of men (and curious women) everywhere I thought, maybe there is a God up there and maybe he does answer the prayers of people. The lesson: everyone touches themselves, even Jebus.

Look around! For a brief moment peace has been restored to this planet. Everyone is smiling. Life. Is. Good.

I’m sure those who visited this page are not reading this, but scrolling downwards at a feverish pace trying to find the nude pics, lotion sitting beside the keyboard, mouse in one hand and in the other hand? Well, it’s not a Cherry Coke in the other hand, is it?

So apparently these fantastic pictures, which Scarlett took of herself were hacked from Ms. Johansson’s phone. Bring me that hacker and let me give him–it has to be a man, doesn’t it?–a big manly hug. For some reason I have the urge to sing God Bless America.

The FBI is now involved in trying to find this hacker and bring him to justice, but not before patting him on the back, giving him a testosterone filled high-five and whispering, “we’re all so proud of you, sir.”

If we put down out Cherry Cokes for a second, there are some questions that need to be answered.

1. Who were these marvelous pictures intended for?

Was it her ex-fling, Sean Penn, or her ex-husband, Ryan Reynolds? Maybe the pictures were meant for someone else. Me? Oh Scarlett, I’m honored. Thank you so much.

One can dream, can’t they? As a reminder for those who do dream, make sure to change the sheets in the morning.

2. a) What type of smartphone did she have?

     b) Was the hack a result of a weakness in the phone’s security or a flaw in an application’s security?

Smartphone fanboys need to know which company’s phone security has a crotchless panties like hole in it and then, oh boy, release the trolls.

3. Are there any more?

Whether it be more pictures or–sit down before you read this–some kind of video, we need to know. The world is waiting, Cherry Cokes in hand.

Alas, by posting the pics I risk having my site shut down temporarily or worse, permanently. Besides, once you start posting boobs everywhere you just can’t stop. It’s a slippery slope and I don’t even want to get into what’s making the slope so slippery.

Scarlett’s lawyer is issuing requests (or threats) to websites to remove the photos:

“The highly personal and private photographs at issue capture our client self-posing in her own home in a state of undress and/or topless. If you fail to comply, you will be acting at your own peril. Please govern yourselves accordingly.”

“Self-posing”, “state of undress” and of course, “topless”. Geez, even the warning is pretty exciting.

Anyway, if you want to see the pics just click this link.

That reason we were put on this Earth? This is it folks. Soak it up.

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