Charlie Sheen is Dead

The above headline might be something we can expect to read soon, and Seth Macfarlane jokes it will happen within the next few months. I know, it wasn’t cool of me to post that headline, but perhaps it’s something we should start considering more seriously before we continue to help Mr. Sheen into an early grave. Amy Winehouse was a target for ridicule before she died and I’m betting some people wish they put less energy into jokes and more energy into getting her help. I took my jabs too, but when is enough enough?

Rest assured, as far as I know, Charlie Sheen is alive and well. Maybe not well, but he is alive. Sorry to alarm you. Really.

The last year has been a disaster for Charlie Sheen and we, the audience, have enjoyed every single “winning” second of it. But last night, the disaster turned into a train wreck, quite literally, as Charlie’s Two and a Half Men character was killed off by a Paris subway train. The writers, were obviously not over Charlie’s attempted lawsuit. There was very little mourning at the funeral, with Charlie’s neighbor claiming “[Charlie’s] body just exploded like a balloon full of meat” and his own mother selling Charlie’s Malibu beach house mid eulogy.

To make matters worse, the Charlie Sheen roast aired on Comedy Central, not coincidentally, the same night. As is the case with most roasts, the jokes were not kind and nothing was held back.

Here are some of the harsher jokes from the roast:

“Brooke Mueller is not very bright unless Charlie throws a lamp at her. … Mike Tyson, your opponents spent more time bleeding in the corner than Charlie’s ex wives.” — Jeffrey Ross

“You’re just like Bruce Willis — you were big in the 80s and now your old slot is being filled by Ashton Kutcher.” — Amy Schumer

“If you’re winning, this must not be a child custody hearing. The only time your kids get to see you is in reruns — don’t you want to live to see their first 12 steps?” — Jeffrey Ross

“Charlie, you claim to have ‘tiger blood,’ but after all the porn stars you’ve [had sex with], it’s probably Tiger Woods’ blood.” — Seth MacFarlane

“The only reason you got on TV in the first place is because God hates Michael J. Fox.” — Anthony Jeselnik

“Charlie still hasn’t hit rock bottom. He’s looking forward to it though, because he thinks there’s a rock there.” — Steve-O

“Charlie, you’re the black sheep of a family that produced three ‘Mighty Ducks’ movies.” — Jeffrey Ross

“It’s amazing — after abusing your lungs, liver and kidneys, the only thing you’ve had removed is your kids.” — Kate Walsh

“On ‘Two and a Half Men’ tonight, they’re apparently having a funeral for Charlie’s character. But there’s no need to switch over. In a few months, you can probably see the real thing.” – Seth Macfarlane

Charlie Sheen’s response: “Once again, I come out unscathed. You can’t hurt me. I can’t kill me. Did you really think your little jokes were going to hurt me? I did porn stars; I did drugs. Then I did the one thing everybody in America wishes he could do. I told my boss to fuck off. And then it was gone. I’m done with ‘the winning’ because I’ve already won.”

As time progresses, Charlie Sheen’s madness becomes a little less funny and a little more tragic. I can’t help but feel Charlie’s recent bout of winning will only end in him losing his life.

At that point, the media will ask themselves the question, “Did we go too far?” The answer as always, is yes.

With that said, while I wish him a long life, realistically…

How long before Charlie Sheen is found in a puddle of tiger blood?

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