How and When to Slap Someone in the Face

Sometimes delivering a well-timed slap across the face not only feels right, but is the absolute best course of action you can take. But there are other times when slapping is not only inappropriate, but can give people the impression that you’re a pansy. Slapping is not something to be done without proper instruction. Fear not, I’ve done extensive research and have some guidelines for you to follow.

So the age-old question is: when do you know it’s time to take your hand from your holster and unleash a five-finger salute to the slappee’s face?

WHEN TO SLAP SOMEONE IN THE FACE

1. If someone is rambling in a delusional fashion and seems to have lost their mind temporarily, a slap to bring him back to his senses is an expected and recommended course of action.

Recommended follow-up phrase to this slap: “Get a hold of yourself, man!”

2. If someone has offended your honor and you would like to challenge him to a duel, an insulting gesture, such as slapping your opponent in the face with a glove is not only acceptable, but also overflowing with awesome. Such a blatant insult is almost impossible to ignore and increases the likeliness the offender will accept the duel.

Recommended follow-up phrase to this slap: “I demand satisfaction!”

3. You and your friend have agreed to a slap-off. Under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol, people (usually men) sometimes think it’s fun to exchange facial slaps. If the other party agrees to such an event, it is completely okay to slap that person when it is your turn to slap. Never slap out of turn or a slap-off could become a punch-off.

Recommended follow-up phrase after his slap to your face: “Was that a slap or a puppy dog wagging his tail in my face? You are an embarrassment to mankind. I sentence you to death by slap.”

Recommended follow-up phrase after you slap his face: “Did you hear that slapping sound? That’s the sound of me using my hand and your face to applaud your imminent defeat.”

4. When you want someone to shut-up and they aren’t responding to the words, “shut-up.” When words aren’t getting your message across and a fist to the face seems a tad harsh, a slap will often render your target speechless.

Recommended follow-up phrase to this slap: “I just slapped the words right out of your mouth, don’t make me slap your teeth out too.”

5. When you’re an older brother and would like to torture your little brother with your superior height reach by slapping him over and over and over again. Older brothers should take advantage of being able to easily slap around their little brother while they can, as little brother’s often will concoct detailed plans on how and when to strike back. A word of caution, such plans could be implemented minutes, days, week, years or even decades after you slapped them. Never turn your back to your brother.

Recommended follow-up phrase slapping your little brother: “You like that? Hey, do ya? Want another?”

6. If slapping someone in the face ever becomes known as a high-five to the face and is the latest trend, then by all means, high-five faces left and right while you still can, because baby, that trend will not last very long.

Recommended follow-up phrase to this slap: “I can’t believe this is socially acceptable!”

CAUTION:

Most slaps are delivered in single doses, any more than one slap at a time could result in a slapping overdose. Someone who slaps too often is known as “slap-happy” which sounds like a good thing, and it is, but only if it is done correctly and at the right time. Not everyday is Slapsgiving (HIMYM). Here are some prime examples of times it’s okay to slap more than once.

Case #1. You are E. Honda from Street Fighter

Case #2. Someone pulls a gun and you want to humiliate them for making such a crucial mistake (Watch Humphrey Bogart deliver the best example of bitch slapping in the history of mankind).


A NOTE TO ALL GIRLS

For girls, slapping is often used instead of punching and is often used as a combo with hair-pulling and scratching. Girl gettin’ all up in your grill? Slap her. Guy a little lewd or handsy? Slap him. So really, for girls, the hands on their watch are almost always on slap o’clock.

HOW TO SLAP SOMEONE IN THE FACE:

FOREHAND SLAP:

1. Pull your arm back and down, like you’re dragging a Radio Flyer behind you.

2. Open your hand firmly, as you do before a high five.

3. Swing your hand at your target’s cheek that is located on the same side as your hand, for example, if you’re slapping him with your right hand, you hit him on his left cheek (which is on your right). Trying to slap the opposite cheek will look silly and awkward.

4. Make contact with target’s cheek and absorb both the sound and vibrations made by your slap. It’s a glorious feeling. 5. Be on guard, because the retribution of a slap is almost always a slap back.

BACKHAND SLAP:

1. Put your arm across your body and down (if using your right hand, it will be crossing over to your left side), like you’re trying to pull start a lawn mower.

2. Open your hand firmly, as you do before a high five.

3. Swing the back of your hand at your target’s cheek that is located on the opposite side that your swinging arm is located. For example, if you’re slapping him with your right hand, you hit him on his right cheek (which is on your left). Trying to slap the same side cheek will most likely cause you to miss, lose your balance, and fall headfirst into a koi pond.

4. Make contact with your target’s cheek, but minimize the use of knuckles, as that would make it a borderline punch. Enjoy watching your opponent reel, then catch his balance, put his hand to his red cheek and look at you in dismay.

5. As was the case with a forehanded slap, be on guard, because the retribution of a slap is almost always a slap back.

NOTE:  A backhanded slap is doubly insulting and usually more painful.

PRACTICING YOUR SLAPPING ON CHRISTIANS

According to the following passage, Christians will allow people to slap them all over the place. Christians are an excellent source for those who want to hone their slapping skills..

“But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.” Matthew 5:39

  • http://thenonreview.com TS Hendrik

    Granted, as a Christian, I am supposed to be meek and turn the other cheek. I suppose if you’re evil (it does have that stipulation) than I guess I’ll take the slapping. Course if I’m following the letter of the law, in context, it’s about doing away with the old ‘eye for an eye’ mentality the Jews had. Hence I won’t return your 2 slaps with a slap, but possibly a punch.

    Boom, Lawyered (yes, I went through that just to put in another HIMYM reference).

    • http://www.corruptcamel.com C. Camel

      I guess my second slap will have to render you unconscious and knock the Jesus right out of you. I’ll have to start training, that’s not an easy task with a slap.

      • http://thenonreview.com TS Hendrik

        Plus remember, Jesus never said He wouldn’t hit back.

        • http://www.corruptcamel.com C. Camel

          Jesus IS well known for his mean right cross.

  • Nicole Natale

    I know a guy I should have slapped.  Scared because it was on a job…

    He dropped “lewdies” all the time.  Leaned over me once and sang part of a song…”Bang her once…bang her twice.”  And referred to “living with two pussies”…meaning his cats.  

    The guy had effrontery (I know…there is a better word to use).  He once asked me what I would do if he bumped my husband off.  

    Missed my chance to crack my hand across his face in the copy room.  It would have backfired…he had a high position and friends in high places.  And who would have believed me, a little clerk?

    Ultimately I left the job because of him.  

  • Greycat800

    Great article. Funny as sh*t! I slapped my (probably ex now) boyfriend last weekend. He kept going on and on and on about HOW I should talk to my baby-daddy and WHEN I talk to my baby-daddy and oh, do it right now and why not, you want him back…???

    So, I told him to shut up and leave me alone about this or I’d slap him

    He didn’t shut up. I slapped him.

    I figured the first one wasn’t enough so I did it again. He fell on the bed.

    After almost a year of hearing him badger me about a guy from my past I could care less about, I felt I needed to teach him some manners, respect and when he should shut up about something. I’ve never been a cheater, ain’t one now and have done nothing but love this guy. He was gettin nuts making sh*t up and then blaming me for it. He was gettin emotionally controlling and blackmailing over weird stuff in his head. Plus, he cheated on me when we first met 10 years ago…

    Soooooo, I slapped him back into reality. I think he deserved it and I’m not sorry.   

    • http://www.corruptcamel.com C. Camel

      A slap back into reality and a slap when somebody won’t shut up. I believe those fall under rules 1 and 4. You were definitely in the right for slapping him right in the kisser. Nice work!

  • Scary

    Slapped a guy right across the face in high school so hard it knocked him onto his back and left a purple imprint of my hand that was visible for the next two days. I’m not sorry because he had bullied me for the previous three months, I’d tried ignoring him and but finally had enough decided to speak to him in a language he understood. I enjoyed that slap but I enjoyed the ribbing he got for the next six months about being “beaten up by a girl” even more.

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