If Twilight’s Robert Pattinson were my Best Friend

I can’t imagine what life would be like if I were best friends with Robert Pattinson. I dunno, maybe we’d be sitting at Taco Bell, sharing some Fries Supreme and yucking it up.  He’d say something along the lines of, “So did you see Twilight yet?” and I’d say, “Oh my goodness, no. That movie is gayer than Elton John,” and then I’d slap the table laughing and take a long sip of delicious Dr. Pepper. “Dude, you ask me that every week and every week I say the same thing. Stop. Asking.”

He’d look down at his cold, half eaten yet still tasty Cheesy Gordita Crunch and mutter something under his breath. I’d lean over and say, “Speak up man!” and he’d clear his throat, wipe the nacho cheese from his hands and a tear from his eye and say, “I thought we were best friends.”

Offended, I’d stand up suddenly, spike my Dr. Pepper to the floor, sending a wave of carbonated goodness all over the pants of the old couple sitting in the booth next to ours, shake my head, and grunt to show my high level of rage and anger. I’d know the spilled drink isn’t a problem because refills are free at Taco Bell and the old folks with the wet pants? Well, I don’t care about the soda content in old people’s trousers, do you?

Anyway, I’d then exclaim loudly, causing quite the Taco Bell scene, “We ARE best friends Robby, I just don’t get how watching those god-awful, vampire ruining, stupider than stupid Twilight films has anything to do with our friendship!”

Then I’d sit down and apologize for my outburst and offer him hot sauce for his Cheesy Gordita Crunch to make amends. He’d refuse rather rudely, look into my eyes and say, “Um, you know I star in the Twilight movies, right?”

It’s at that moment I’d realize just how insensitive I had been. I’d feel like such an ass. I would consider telling him that of course I knew, I was just joking around with him,  and that I love Twilight, or I could apologize and tell him the truth, that I didn’t know he was in those movies, or that he was an actor at all.

Instead I thought it would just be best to say, “Has anyone told you that you have a really bizarre looking face?”

Then I’d leave, but not before finishing my Fries Supreme and getting a refill of refreshing Dr. Pepper. See you later Robbie.

  • HAHAHAHAHA Love this!! Very well thought out, CC. There should also be a strategically placed awkward hug at the end.

    • I don’t think I want to touch him, he’s kind of icky.

  • Oddly enough, 95% of his friendships have gone like that. It’s one of those scientific anomalies.

    Great post. This series is always one of your best.

    • Thanks. It’s not one of the more popular series, but definitely one of my favorites too. Sometimes I need to have some fun with these in order to get back into the grove.

  • Actually, I do care about the soda content in old peoples’ trousers. (Awesome post. I laughed out loud.)

    • You do care? Well my granny just spilled a Fanta on her crotch, go grab a sponge and help her out!

  • I was amused by the post. But once I read that you willingly sacrificed a Dr Pepper to the cause, it was all I could think about.

    He does have a bizarre looking face. You’re a good friend for being honest with him.

    • I know, I still lose sleep thinking about that delicious Dr. Pepper. Cripes, what was I thinking?

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