Almost everyone has tried having a long distance relationship in their lifetime, and have done so with high hopes of success, but from what I’ve seen, 95% of long distance relationships end in crying, wall punching and photo burning. Here’s why.
#1. Couples in long distance relationships always think they’ll visit each other every weekend.
TRUTH: They won’t. Maybe at first, but eventually, other things will start coming up: exams, work, birthdays, banging some random you met after last call at the bar (and boy was she ugly, what were you thinking?).
#2. With no significant other to occupy their time, each member of the couple will end up going out more and will inadvertently meet the next person they will be with next.
TRUTH: People require a minimum of social contact with the opposite sex. Without that required contact, people will go out and seek contact with the opposite sex, either on a conscious or subconscious level. It’s human nature. With feelings fading for your current partner and growing for the new chick you met on Myspace (you still use Myspace?), moving on is going to seem a lot easier than staying where you are.
#3. Someone is always looking to move in on your territory.
TRUTH: Unless your partner is a troll, I can almost guarantee there is someone who wants to do them and because that person doesn’t live 6 hours away, they have the upper hand. Heck, she’s probably smooth talking your man right now, saying things like, “Your girlfriend doesn’t like football? I love football. Clayton Manning is the best Nickelback ever!”
#4. Absence makes the heart grow fonder…of someone who’s nearby and is readily available to float their genital boat.
TRUTH: Absence only makes the heart grow fonder for a certain amount of time, and then, absence makes the heart grow fickle.
#5. Long distance relationships mean couples force themselves to talk too much, and forced talking will eventually lead to fights.
TRUTH: Too much conversation can kill a relationship. Communication is important, but there is a limit. Elvis knew what he was talking about when he wrote the song A Little Less Conversation. People feel the need to fill long pauses in conversation and often fill those gaps with things they never wanted to say in the first place, like “Jack, I was just thinking about you the other day, and how you have one of those faces that just begs to be punched.”
#6. Both members of the couple will grow so paranoid of the other person cheating that the relationship will eventually implode.
TRUTH: Being paranoid and jealous is often what pushes someone to cheat in the first place. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. Either that or you have good reason to be jealous, because Greg is banging any girl who’s willing to uncross her legs for him. Granny, don’t do it!
#7. Relationships prime people for consistent sexual contact, when this is not happening, they look elsewhere.
TRUTH: You’re used to sex, you’re not getting it, you try to get it. It’s instinctual and key to the survival of the human race, unfortunately, it also destroys relationships and spurs comments such as, “All men are pigs,” or “Dude, I told you your girlfriend was a slut.”
#8. Out of sight, out of mind.
TRUTH: After a certain amount of time apart, your true love will seem like a stranger. Remember your ex, who at one time was the closest person to you and now when you run into them it’s small talk and awkwardness? Heck, I bet you don’t even remember what her boobs look like. What? You keep a picture of them in your wallet, that’s weird.
#9. Life goes on.
TRUTH: You’ll see that he can survive and thrive without you and you can do the same. Just ask Gloria Gaynor, who said, “I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong I grew strong I learned how to carry on.”
To sum up, if you’re in a prolonged long distance relationship, good luck. It’s not impossible, but it won’t be easy (unlike your sister, who is easier than instant oatmeal).