9 Reasons Why Long Distance Relationships Don’t Work

Almost everyone has tried having a long distance relationship in their lifetime, and have done so with high hopes of success, but from what I’ve seen, 95% of long distance relationships end in crying, wall punching and photo burning. Here’s why.

#1. Couples in long distance relationships always think they’ll visit each other every weekend.

TRUTH: They won’t. Maybe at first, but eventually, other things will start coming up: exams, work, birthdays, banging some random you met after last call at the bar (and boy was she ugly, what were you thinking?).

#2. With no significant other to occupy their time, each member of the couple will end up going out more and will inadvertently meet the next person they will be with next.

TRUTH: People require a minimum of social contact with the opposite sex. Without that required contact, people will go out and seek contact with the opposite sex, either on a conscious or subconscious level.  It’s human nature. With feelings fading for your current partner and growing for the new chick you met on Myspace (you still use Myspace?), moving on is going to seem a lot easier than staying where you are.

#3. Someone is always looking to move in on your territory.

TRUTH: Unless your partner is a troll, I can almost guarantee there is someone who wants to do them and because that person doesn’t live 6 hours away, they have the upper hand. Heck, she’s probably smooth talking your man right now, saying things like, “Your girlfriend doesn’t like football? I love football. Clayton Manning is the best Nickelback ever!”

#4. Absence makes the heart grow fonder…of someone who’s nearby and is readily available to float their genital boat.

TRUTH: Absence only makes the heart grow fonder for a certain amount of time, and then, absence makes the heart grow fickle.

#5. Long distance relationships mean couples force themselves to talk too much, and forced talking will eventually lead to fights.

TRUTH: Too much conversation can kill a relationship. Communication is important, but there is a limit.Elvis knew what he was talking about when he wrote the song A Little Less Conversation. People feel the need to fill long pauses in conversation and often fill those gaps with things they never wanted to say in the first place, like “Jack, I was just thinking about you the other day, and how you have one of those faces that just begs to be punched.”

#6. Both members of the couple will grow so paranoid of the other person cheating that the relationship will eventually implode.

TRUTH: Being paranoid and jealous is often what pushes someone to cheat in the first place. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. Either that or you have good reason to be jealous, because Greg is banging any girl who’s willing to uncross her legs for him. Granny, don’t do it!

#7. Relationships prime people for consistent sexual contact, when this is not happening, they look elsewhere.

TRUTH: You’re used to sex, you’re not getting it, you try to get it. It’s instinctual and key to the survival of the human race, unfortunately, it also destroys relationships and spurs comments such as, “All men are pigs,” or “Dude, I told you your girlfriend was a slut.”

#8. Out of sight, out of mind.

TRUTH: After a certain amount of time apart, your true love will seem like a stranger. Remember your ex, who at one time was the closest person to you and now when you run into them it’s small talk and awkwardness? Heck, I  bet you don’t even remember what her boobs look like. What? You keep a picture of them in your wallet, that’s weird.

#9. Life goes on.

TRUTH: You’ll see that he can survive and thrive without you and you can do the same. Just ask Gloria Gaynor, who said, “I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong I grew strong I learned how to carry on.”

To sum up, if you’re in a prolonged long distance relationship, good luck. It’s not impossible, but it won’t be easy (unlike your sister, who is easier than instant oatmeal).

  • “Unless your partner is a troll, I can almost guarantee there is someone who wants to do them”

    Having lived in the south and met many backwoods people I can assure you, even trolls find people who want to do them.

    Though this does raise an interesting point. For the inbred I suppose these rules apply as well. If a sister-wife goes to stay with their aunt-grandma the brother-husband might start eyeing his sister-uncle (however the heck that happened).

    • Oh, trolls have people after them too, I just can’t guarantee it. I don’t stamp my guarantee on just anything you know.

      Sister-uncle…I started to think about how that could be, but realized I’d be better off not thinking about it.

  • Renee

    So I am wondering if I look like a troll? =/…
    I had a long distance relationship and landed up marrying the guy… Was that a bad thing?! LOL

    • You are certainly not a troll, you’re one of the rare long distance success stories.

  • dang … there are a lot of awesome lines here … but odds are i’ll only remember easier than instant oatmeal. (which is a good thing to remember so it works out well)

    I was a ho on the side once … it ended in a big bowl of stupid for all 3 parties. Never again!

    • I had a big bowl of stupid for breakfast. We were out of Cheerios.

  • Mish

    This article is absolutely ridiculous.

    Distance will mean little when someone means so much. If you love your partner and you care about them, attend to their needs and they attend to yours, there is no reason a long distance relationship cannot last. The rules for LDRs are the same as non-LDRs.

    You need to truly love your partner and they love you for it to work… and as for your first reason – absolute nonsense… my boyfriend always visits me when he says he will, and the frequency of his visits have not waned.

    • Mish, it’s not nonsense. Read the 1st paragraph of the article. Perhaps you’re part of the 5% of relationships that do work and if that’s true, I’m happy for you.

      I’ve seen a lot of hearts broken and until the long distance is eliminated, it will always pose a threat to the relationship. Thanks for your comment and best of luck in your relationship.

      • peke2luv

        I noticed couples in LDR fail to mention when one of them will be MOVING ? eventually someone has to move..this should be discussed within 6 months of dating and a plan should be set when you reach a year….or this can go on and on for a long time..only for someone to get hurt….and if they do move, you may find that you cant stand eachother. Relationships get comfortable and things start to change. You see little things along the way but keep them hidden inside until resentments builds up because you dont want to ruin the relationship. You want to be that perfect cool girlfriend. You can take a chance and give up your job, apt, family but nothing is guaranteed. And to start over in a new place? I was in a LDR and we even married too while we were Long distance, yeah I know crazy right? but things changed and it fell apart .. I can tell you I learned alot from this..worse pain I ever felt..worse breakup and still not over it. I love this saying:

         Long-distance relationship” can mean different things to different people. It may mean “heart-wrenching tragedy” to one person, while for the other partner it means “year-long vacation.”

        Ain’t it the truth.

        • Thanks for the personal story. If the LDR means a “year long vacation” you may have some other issues to work out.

  • LDR

    I have found that being in an LDR has given me and my boyfriend a chance to get to know each other better. We are totally happy and totally devoted. So am I just in the lucky 5% too? You can’t just go around making up facts (like the 5% thing??) or stating things from your own personal experience (and by that I mean what you have seen from people around you too) and saying they are facts. There is just too much of a diversity of people in the world for those things to be absolute truths.
    BTW, out of 5 people who have commented there have now been 3 people who say they are in problem free LDR’s. As per your way of making up facts from little evidence I can now go around saying 3 out of 5 LDR’s work.

    • Nothing I said wasn’t true. The percentage I listed is stated as being “from what I’ve seen” and is never stated as applying globally. Secondly, only the commenter, Renee, has turned the LDR into marriage. You and the other commenter are still in the midst of your relationships. Any of the above can and may still apply.

      However, there is good news, if the LDR has a plan to close the gap in distance in the (somewhat) near future, then it stands a much better chance of survival.

      With that said, I wish you and your boyfriend the best and hope you can prove me wrong.

      Thanks for the comment.

  • meant to be

    I’ll never know if it works or not because my boyfriend ex boyfriend as of today decided that for me today and how heartbroken am i …very i’ve spent at least the last 5 hours crying and saying id move over to him when he goes away but he doesnt want that he said im only young :/ lame .

  • Thesweetestthing79

    Trouble with us these days is that we let articles and self-help books/magazines decide for us what or how our relationships should be like and why it will or won’t work. So they tell us long distance relationships won’t work, platonic wont work, only chemistry isn’t enough, blah, blah and blah. I’ve been in two long distance relationships in the past and I have been happy with both my partners…considerably more than some of my friends in same city/country relationships were at the time. Although it did not last forever, and although there is truth to the old adage ‘out of sight out of mind’, there is also considerable truth in the saying ‘distance makes the heart grow fonder’ and I’ve known both to be true. It’s been quite a few years since these two relationships ended and although it wasn’t for a lifetime, it was a period of extreme joy and happiness. As for the distance, and trust me when I say this, that if  two people want to really work it out, a mere physical distance won’t stop them from making it happen. *To all the people in a long distance relationship reading this article!*

    • Thanks for the positive outlook. I’m not trying to decide for anyone and I wish everyone the best in their long distance relationships.

      I’m not sure articles make the decisions for people (at least they shouldn’t). I think a relationship simply not working makes the decisions. I’ve seen some pretty incredible relationships, relationships I thought were unsinkable, go down faster than The Titanic because of long distances.

      With that said, if there’s love in the relationship, it’s almost always worth trying. How could you not?

  • Your statistics may be out of whack, I’m afraid. I have over a dozen good friends who either have been or are still in LDRs – all of them have either already married or are working through it, including me and my significant other.


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