Pitt to Aniston: “You’re Going Down.”

Despite cheating, falling in love with another woman, adopting 3 children and creating 3 children the good ol’ fashioned way, Brad Pitt has realized he needs to go once step further. Why? Because Jennifer Aniston persists.

In a recent interview, Brad Pitt said he and Angelina Jolie may go back on their word and get married. Their reason, of course, to finish off Pitt’s Ex, Jennifer Aniston, once and for all.

“With everything that’s happened, I thought she would have disappeared off the face of the planet, or maybe go all Lohan, but she’s still hanging in there. She’s clearly been broken down psychologically, but really, is that enough? I can hear the Mortal Kombat voice in my head, saying ‘Finish Her,’ and that’s a hard voice to ignore,” Pitt said with a big smile, high-fiving the interviewer.

Since Aniston and Pitt divorced in 2005, because Pitt was reportedly banging the hotter-than-Aniston Angelina Jolie, Aniston has bounced from one relationship to the next, but for some reason, has not been able to hold on to any of man for a prolonged period of time.

Pitt, stroking his beard, and looking contemplative, continued, “I’ve always been dedicated to finishing my work and until Jen is overweight and hooked on pain-killers, I haven’t done my job. A suicide attempt or a stint on The Surreal Life may put my mind at ease, y’know?”

When asked why no man would stay with Aniston, Pitt replied, “Her career is great, she’s still pretty hot, although she’s clearly not as hot as Angelina–always cheat up people!–but come on man, her biological clock is tick-tick-ticking. She’s a walking time bomb and what guy wants to be there when that bomb blows? Run for the hills guys, right? That chick is bad news. She’s expired milk.”

When asked to elaborate on his “always cheat up” statement, Pitt nodded, “I’m glad you asked. It’s really a matter of rather simple math. Basically, think about the woman you’re currently with, let’s call her A, and the woman you’re considering cheating with, let’s go ahead and call her B. If  A is hotter than B it’s a no go, but if B is hotter than A, then go for it hombre.”

Corrupt Camel has put together the below picture to exemplify Pitt’s course of action.

The interview with Brad Pitt is obviously and unfortunately fictional.
  • http://thenonreview.com TS Hendrik

    I’m glad Brad could speak to the issue of cheating up as I’ve noticed that when guys cheat they tend to go with ugly mistresses. Why is that? I mean as long as you’re going to be an unfaithful prick, seems like you might as well go for broke.

    • http://www.corruptcamel.com C. Camel

      It’s mind boggling.

  • pubgirl29

    let’s see:
    seems TS has it right

    Jenuine Anorexic
    Effervescent Nuts
    Normal Grandiose
    Iniquitous
    Erratic

    Bewitched
    Randy
    Ambushed
    Decent

    • http://www.corruptcamel.com C. Camel

      We simply don’t see enough acrostic poems on the discussion board.

  • http://DumbFunnery.com DumbFunnery

    if only celebrities did mention mortal kombat sound bytes in interviews

    • http://www.corruptcamel.com C. Camel

      If they did, maybe I’d watch Entertainment Tonight more often

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