Every now and then, McDonald’s really pushes the Filet-O-Fish with a huge advertising blitz, and then people like me, who haven’t eaten a Filet-O-Fish in eight years, decide to give it one more shot only to have the exact same reaction we have every eight years:
“Is this it?”
Why am I compelled to rediscover the mediocrity that is the Filet-O-Fish? Why am I so easily duped by McDonald’s? It’s clear to me now, this sandwich MUST DIE.
8 Reasons why the Filet-O-Fish must die
1. The Filet-O-Fish is a big practical joke. A bell rings at McDonald’s head office every time some sucker buys a Filet-O-Fish and all the bigwigs break out laughing, including the usually somber Grimace.
2. It’s 99% tartar sauce. They should rename the Filet-O-Fish the McTartar, because you can’t taste the fish. What you can taste is the three pounds of slopped on tartar sauce that I can guarantee will drip all over your pants and then almost certainly be followed by the always funny cum jokes.
3. The Filet-O-Fish is like the crazy ex-girlfriend you keep getting back together with. You wake up in the morning, roll over and there she is, eyes wide open, staring at nothing, knitting you monogrammed socks for your elbows. You groan and think to yourself, just as you do after eating a Filet-O-Fish, why did I think this would be any different than the last time?
4. The tasteless Filet-O-Fish is used to make everything else on the McDonald’s menu look so much better. Compared to the Filet-O-Fish, the Big Mac is filet-mignon. In the grand scheme of food, all of the McDonald’s menu is mediocre (except those delicious fries), but the Filet-O-Fish is so mediocre it is best described by the word, “Meh”.
5. McDonald’s uses the Filet-O-Fish to test the power of advertising. In order to make sure their ad campaigns are still working, McDonald’s dusts off the Filet-O-Fish and sends it out on the front lines. Go get ’em champ! Time after time the marketing gurus come back with the same conclusion: yup, people are still idiots (and yes, among those idiots is me).
6. The Filet-O-Fish is used as a reminder to faithful Mickey D fans to never ever try anything new. What, you want to be mildly adventurous and try our fish sandwich? Next thing you know you’ll be feeding your kids yourselves! Unh unh, that’s our job ‘merica. That crappy tartar sandwich will teach you never to stray from the tried and true favorites. How is the Filet-O-Fish always on the menu and the McRib isn’t?
7. Satan endorses the Filet-O-Fish. Read your Bible, it’s in there somewhere. I think it’s in the same chapter where Jesus is wearing roller skates.
8. The Filet-O-Fish will kill you if you don’t kill it first. It’s true. The Filet-O-Fish killed my uncle Cornelius. Alas Corny, I barely knew ya.