You think the Easter Bunny is friendly? It’s that kind of thinking that will get your head torn off, painted, and tossed into a wicker basket on a pile of Mini-Eggs. Here are 8 reasons why the Easter Bunny is evil.
1. On Easter, the Bunny is overshadowed by that sandal wearing, water walking, water to wine, resurrecting beard wearer, Jesus. You don’t think that sticks in his craw just a little bit? He can’t fucking stand it.
2. We get eggs on Easter. Rabbits don’t lay eggs! So where does that evil ball of fluff get them? He steals them. That’s right, he’s steals chicken babies, and he might steal your babies if you’re not looking.
3. He keeps you hooked on chocolate. The Easter Bunny’s evil empire is funded by chocolate companies and dentists. Just when you start eating healthy for spring, Peter Rottentail reminds you just how addicting that sugary delicious chocolate can be. Twelve cavities this year? Blame the bunny.
4. In the imaginary holiday mascot competition, the Bunny plays second fiddle to that other bearded, obese, terribly evil, Santa. Year after year, the Easter Bunny comes in second place to Santa. Don’t even dare bring up the year when the Bunny lost out to the Tooth Fairy. He still loses sleep over that one.
5. Nobody knows WHEN Easter is. Almost every other holiday has a specific day, but Easter varies, making it a confusing ass backwards holiday. The Bunny wants some stability. He is PISSED off.
6. The Easter Bunny doesn’t want you to find his gifts. Unlike Santa, who, although evil, puts the gifts neatly under the tree, the Bunny hides the gifts he brings. You know what he’s thinking? He’s thinking, try and find them you little shit!
7. The Easter Bunny is hiding something else inside your Dad. Remember how you saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus? Well, you DO NOT want to see what the Easter Bunny is doing to your Dad. The Easter Bunny isn’t gay, but he likes to play hide the Tootsie Roll just to one-up St. Nick.
8. He doesn’t know what he’s more easter than. The reason the Easter Bunny is so evil is because he can’t wrap his bunny ears around why he’s called the Easter Bunny. He lives in Los Angeles, California for crying out loud!