Nintendo Confirms: Super Mario’s Brother is Dead

It’s a sad day today. Mario’s brother, the tall skinny dude with the haunted mansion, was killed today by long time rival Bullet Bill.

Bullet Bill addressed the media shortly after the incident: “It’s not the first time I’ve hit Mario’s brother, what’s-his-name. He’s not around often, but sure, I’ve caught up with him a few times. Usually he shrinks a bit or keels over, only to reappear a couple minutes later, hopping around with those wonky legs of his. WOOP WOOP! God, I hate that sound. I’ve lost a lot of family members and that’s the last thing they heard: WOOP. This time, I got the jump on him. There was blood and lots of it. I didn’t know the dude could bleed. Not so super after all.”

Geoffrey, a goomba who witnessed the whole incident, told us that Mario’s brother, who we’re being told was named Luigi, didn’t even attempt to get out of the way of the slow moving bullet.

While appearing in many games, even from the get-go, Luigi was always second fiddle to Mario. The sibling duo was always referred to as the Mario bros but eventually, the word “bros” stopped appearing in the game titles and Mario took over the spotlight completely. Both Mario’s Missing, and Luigi’s Mansion, games starring Luigi, were flops and Luigi was forced to return to the background and watch his brother’s successful career continue to flourish. Even Waluigi, Luigi’s arch nemesis, was more liked than Luigi and he too eventually overshadowed the Italian plumber. Many believe that it is these circumstances that may have lead Luigi not to WOOP WOOP WOOP out of the way of Bullet Bill.

Friends of Luigi and avid gamers shared their condolences:

“I didn’t even know Mario had a brother”

Timmy Henderson, 9 years old.

“Back in the SMB 2 days, I would peek up the Princess’s dress as she floated over me. Not a word of a lie, no panties. Heaven man. Absolute heaven. She could land on my head any day. You know, I just couldn’t get the nerve to ask her out. You’re asking about Luigi, right? Oh the dude with theĀ  Jimmy Legs, I think he might’ve been a bit gay.”

–Shy Guy.

“That dude in green is dead? I hope losing his caddy doesn’t hurt Mario’s golf game too much”

Jack Cantinsky, 27 years old.

“Was I dating Luigi? Oh my goodness, no. That guy was gayer than Twilight.”

–Princess Daisy.

“If you ask me, Bill got the wrong brother. Geez.”

–Sonic the Hedgehog.

“I’m trying to eat. Go away.”

–Girl eating.

“Such a shame, he was one day away from retirement!”

–Nintendo Employee.

“The guy dresses just like his brother, even copies his mustache. He rode Mario’s coattails all the way to the bank. Couldn’t make it big on his own. If you ask me, he had it coming.”

–Diddy Kong.

“Luigi was a moron. Never remembered to lock the door to the castle. Never! It was because of him I got kidnapped all the time.”

–Princess Peach.

“‘Never remembered to lock the door’? HA! He let me in. ‘Gayer than Twilight’? Well, that part is true. Him and I had some crazy nights. Also, the man was hung like a horse, which is more than I can say for his brother. Even a magic mushroom couldn’t get that guy up to 4 inches.”

–Bowser.

Luigi was a great brother and I will miss him dearl–Why are you looking at my crotch and smirking? Bowser didn’t say anything to you did he? Crud.

–Super Mario.

  • This just jumped to my top favorites of yours. This speaks to me on a whole other level.

    • Thanks my friend. No matter what, you always have a kind word. Appreciate it.

  • I didn’t get to read the condolences. I’m just too choked up to keep reading… I imagine everyone else is feeling the same way. He will be missed.

    • It’s too bad, you missed the best part, but that’s cool, I know it’s been a weird week.

  • ha i hadn’t realized there was such sexual intrigue … though bowser’s bears sounds like a definite gay bar. Yep. I believe it.

    • Absolutely great beer selection though.

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