Miley Cyrus Sex Doll Destroys Countless Teen Relationships

Dear CC,

I just read your Miley Cyrus has Boobs article and thought you might dig my Miley Sex Doll story. It’s awesome and has a happy ending if you catch my drift.

Ok, so here goes: in grade 9 and 10 I would have killed for a girlfriend, like actually killed, for serious. But after I hooked up with Brianna Weedleson in grade 11 I realized having a girlfriend is not all cupcakes and handjobs. And let’s face it, Brianna Weedleson don’t look anything like Miley. Hell, she looked a little more like the fat chick on Jersey Shore.

When the Miley Doll arrived in the mail, my Mom saw the package and was like, what’s that? And I’m like, I dunno, cookies from Grandma. Lay off Joanie Loves Bi-atchy.

After a night locked in my bedroom with the Miley Doll I was no longer jonesing for the touch of a real chick.  She let me do things to her that Brianna would never ever let me do, even when she was all liquored up. My Mom kept knocking on the door, saying shit like, hey, what’s going on in there? And I’m like, shit Ma, I’m eating Grandma’s cookies and she’s like, can I have some, and I nearly puked in my mouth, and yelled hell’s no. Then she says, it sounds like you’re having a party in there, and I replied, ya Mom, a party in the USA.

Get this: a lot of my friends on WoW [World of Warcraft] have dumped their girlfriends in favor of the Miley Doll too! Did you know it sold out in less than 48 hours! It’s like the next Tickle Me Elmo. No shit! Our guild don’t even do half the raids we used to anymore, The Miley doll is pretty much all we talk about. Elf Mage MonsterPwner87899 plays WoW while doing the Doll. SUPER LOLZ!

Did you know the Miley Doll has three achey love holes? It says so right on the box. Dude, let me tell you, I now have one achy wang from those achy love holes. Gross, right?

Y’know, even before this doll came out, I was using the Hannah Montana action figures to get off. No kidding! I’m not sure how many Hannah Montana action figures I’ve had surgically removed from my anus over the last few years. Whatever anyone tells you, it’s probably less than that. People exaggerate. What have you heard?

Sing right into the mic, baby

So, the last time I had an action figure removed–I think it was from the “In Concert” toy line, really sharp fingers–anyway, my doctor was all like, one doll in your ass is one too many, dude and I was like, I know, right? Then he told me about the Miley Sex Doll and the rest is history.

I hear the real Miley is going to sue and have the doll taken off the market. That sucks for others, but to me, it’s cool, I got mine.

Peace out,



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