Deadly Animals: 11 Amazing Facts About Koala Bears

1. Koala bears aren’t bears, they’re marsupials. That’s like someone calling you Carl all the time when your name is actually Tim.  Koalas are pissed off and if they could talk they would say, “My name is NOT Carl!”

2. Koala’s fur is thick soft and pleasant to touch. At least that what all the bitches say, including yo Mama.

3. Koalas can live as long as 17 years, however males life expectancy is less than 10 years because they’re always starting brawls with jerkass, hip-hoppity kangaroos or trying to take on speeding Subarus with their bare claws.

4 The koala has large, sharp claws to assist with climbing tree trunks, but don’t think for one second he won’t use them to scratch your Crocodile Dundee loving eyes out.

5. The male koala, like many marsupials, has a forked penis. The female has two lateral vaginas. All this really means is that koalas get a two for one deal in the banging department. Happy hour is EVERY hour. Playah!

6. Koalas are generally a silent animal, but males have a call that can be heard from almost a kilometre away during the breeding season. When not calling for females to breed with, koalas will generally try texting.

7. A baby koala is referred to as a joey and is hairless, blind, and earless. But not unlike your badass geriatric pimp of an uncle, joeys don’t need hair, sight, or hearing to pick up the bitches or rip your tongue out of your head. Don’t forget that.

8. Like sloths, the koala has a very low metabolic rate and rests motionless for about 16-18 hours a day, sleeping most of that time. When not sleeping, the koala is most likely sticking it’s forked penis into your Mama, which ‘splains why he’s so tired…Yo.

9. Koalas have sharp incisors that are mainly used to clip leaves. They also use those sharp mutha-fuckas to clip the nutsacks from Foster swilling tourists.

10. The koala’s five fingers include two opposable thumbs, both of which are used to satisfy yo Mama.

11. The dingo did not eat your baby. The koala did.

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