The Truth About the Soul Patch

*Like anything else, there are exceptions. Notably, Canadian icon, George Stroumboulopoulos.

A soul patch is that ugly tuft of hair that grows above your chin and under your lip. Legend has it that the soul patch covers (or patches) the hole from which your soul was extracted, which is why most people with soul patches are soulless bastards.


  • 99% of all soul patchers are douchebags, not because of the soul patch, but because douchebags, by design, have incredibly powerful urges to grow that little bastardy tuft of hair right under their lip. So if you have one, be careful, because some people might be under the assumption you’re a douchebag even if you’re not.
  • The soul patch is evil manifesting itself into facial hair!
  • The only people who should have soul patches are talent agents, baseball pitchers,  grungy musicians, and those who are active in the art of douchebaggery.
  • Like the Hitler mustache is associated with Hitler, the soul patch is synonymous with being a douchebag. I can’t stress this enough.
  • People, especially your girlfriend, wife, or mother, will try to tear the soul patch off of your face.
  • The soul patch can often be seen co-mingling with lightning shaped sideburns.
  • Patches are for elbows, knees, and flat tires, not your face.


  • A soul patch in conjunction with any other type of beard or thick stubble is acceptable and is NOT a sign of being a douche. It’s not even a real soul patch.
  • If you’re covering up a scar, mole, or other facial deformity, like a baby toe growing out from under your lip. It happens, it really does.
  • There are some great people who have soul patches! Heck, any reader with a soul patch has gotta be a great guy, right? RIGHT?

The exceptions are few and far between, so shave the soul patch before the soul patch engulfs your heart, mind, chin, and of course, soul.

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