Rebecca Black Must Die

I can’t say I know much of anything about YouTube teen star, Rebecca Black, but I know enough. The viral (in so many ways) song, Friday is the worst song ever written. EVER. The 13 year old Ms. Black, and this song, make we want to take a gun, gun, gun, and the law into my own hands. The one thing I can’t wrap my head around: this song is not a joke.

FACT: At the time of writing this post, the video for Friday had over 33.5 million views. Classy stuff human race. Way to go.

I carefully selected some of the more ridiculous lyrics, but believe me when I say, ALL of the lyrics are ridiculous.

Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today is Friday, Friday (Partyin’)
We-we-we so excited
We so excited
We gonna have a ball today

Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes afterwards
I don’t want this weekend to end

She’s right, you know. Those are the order the days arrive on the weekend.  These brilliant lyrics jog my memory when it’s Friday and I forget what day was yesterday and which days are to follow. This happens pretty often since her song has brutally murdered so many of my brain cells.

I know by writing this, I’m fueling the hysteria surrounding this song, I know I’m aiding in fulfilling the prophecy that this will be the most watched YouTube video of all time, but this song is actually funny. Really, really funny. If you haven’t heard it, you should. The video is equally as awful. But don’t be surprised when you can’t get this terrible, terrible song out of your head.

So maybe Rebecca Black shouldn’t die. She’s just a kid after all, maybe I was a bit harsh. Maybe she needs to be honored. I think she needs to put out a song that discusses her daily routine on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday in more detail. I need to know even the most trivial things. What kind of cereal does she like? How is school going!?! Sing it to me Rebecca. Sing it to me in the worst way possible.

I can’t wait to hear/see what’s next. Here’s the video – Enjoy getting dumb and dumber.

* does not ever actually wish death upon anyone, no matter how annoyingly awful their music is.

Nicolas Cage

  • I just think her parents have abused her by helping her put that dreck out there. I’d also say there’s something seriously wrong with people. It’s been downloaded, lord knows how many times now, on iTunes, simply because it’s bad.

    No, she shouldn’t be put to death, but I think her parents should be locked in a room and forced to listen to it repeatedly for 8 hours straight.

    • No one should be subjected to such torture. It’s simply not humane.

      • Torture isn’t inhumane enought to fucking kill Rebecca Black, I would want her locked inside one of the Fuckushima reactors as it melt’s down it’s casing and ionises her faces and her fucking pathetic voice. She brings shame to the human race

  • So, have you seen this yet? It’s even worse.

    • 4 minutes of jeans…why would you do that to me? Why!?!

      • Because I knew you’d secretly love it, and then spend the afternoon trying on bedazzled skinny jeans at the mall.

        • I would have done that anyway!

  • Ha ha, suckers. I have no idea what you’re talking about, with no intentions of finding out. Good luck getting that dribble out of your head. This is why I feel good about keeping my head in the sand.

    What? We’re bombing who? No, I had no idea.

    • I like alcohol too sometimes.

  • Seriously? You think someone should die or be punished simply because they don’t have an AMAZING voice? Can you sing? Have you ever taken the time to try? She’s freaking 13 years old, get a grip on reality and understand that to wish death upon a 13 year old is inhumane and you should seriously think about your lives and ask yourself if you would have the courage to do what she’s done. If the answer is no, then you have no right to talk.

    • Dear Hormonal Teenager,

      Read things first before you comment. I mention I don’t wish death upon her not once, but twice. I don’t wish death upon anyone. This is a humor website. It’s a joke, a hyperbolic statement.

      Go grab yourself some Proactive Solution and a Sunny D, turn on an episode of Glee and chill out.

  • @CorruptCamel You’re totally right. I, however, do totally wish death on Rebecca Black. There’s nothing left for her to do with her life. In fact, I will gladly rape and murder her and her family for the shit she has done. That song is so much more than just atrocious. It really is a horrible atrocity that that song has been published on Youtube. I would love to rape her with a shovel for that shit she pulled. 😉

    • Thanks for the feedback, but remind me not to let you in to my next party. Especially if you turn up with a shovel.

  • Sentient Panda

    Ok seriously this girl needs to die, anyone who has gone to youtube and watched this videos has officially added to her notoriety and it is everyones fault to blame. I personally believe that no human being like this deserves any type of fame for what she does whether it’s good or bad. No matter how many times you badmouth this video or dislike it it is not going to stop people from knowing her face. Just because of this one STUPID FUCKING VIDEO, this stupid wannabe has probably made so much money from doing nothing but making a huge pile of shit like Friday, honestly just by appearing on late night shows and news she has probably made more money than any average working citizen and odds are some stupid fucking record labels going to pick her up, change her image and make her another stupid sensation like every other drone that comes spurring out of Disney channels anus.

    • Unfortunately, people who don’t deserve it will continue to be famous. Such is life. It’s best to ignore it rather than let it fester and eat away at your very being. Try beer, that helps too.

  • Depp

    You guys weird. She is so pretty and sweet. I love to listen her singing. Make me feel cheer up.

    There is no one to force you listen, why must torture yourself then threaten her to death ?

    All fugly people so …… jealous of her…..

    • I actually listen to the song all the time. I think it’s hilarious and awesome in its awfulness. I will send her and her fans a basket of fruit and delectable treats to make up for my grievous error.

    • Anomalous

      Jealous? Of Rebecca Black? Who would be jealous of the most mocked teen on the web? Some things are more important than money after all. Just imagine when people see her on the street, and she knows they either want her autograph or her vocal cords amputated. Not for me, thanks.

  • Mike

    She’s 13. what the fuck would she know about partin. also, maybe things have changed since i was in middle school, but i don’t remember anyone driving themselves to school, especially in a fuckin convertible

    • I’m guessing her party highlights consist mainly of pinning the tail on the donkey, which honestly, is a pretty badass game.

  • Paul P. Feely

    Rebecca Black’s ‘song’ (and I use the term loosely), should be translated into multiple languages and used in interrogation/torture sessions with enemies of the state.

    • Don’t you think that would be a bit TOO cruel?

  • Sir Like A Boss

    I fully believe that Rebecca Black will give birth to the anti-christ who destroys the world. Here is how is will go down:

    Sometime in 2012 Beiber will be dumped by Gomez as she wants a man and not a pre-pubescent girl. Beiber will then hook up with Black and shortly after, defying all laws of biology there will be the first ever chick & chick conception of a child. Said child will then release a single when it’s around 2 or 3ish (probably about how it eats, sleeps and poops, poops, poops), it will be so atrocious that it will cause anyone and everyone who even hears a tiny fragment of it to commit suicide (think of the movie The Happening except world wide not just in the NE US or Paris).There you go, the end of the world.

    • I can’t think of a more terrifying end. I think the Mayan’s foretold this.

  • Sander2231

    The first time I watched the video I cried for days.  And I still am suffering from the trauma.  I’d like to know if there Is any LKRB, Lets kill Rebecca Black, support group in Los Angeles area. 

Follow CC on ...