How Beyoncé Ruined a Generation of Women

Beyoncé has confused, and possibly ruined, a whole generation of women. Is this a hyperbolic statement? Perhaps, but it’s time for all the single ladies (and maybe their boyfriends) to file a class action lawsuit against Beyoncé. Here’s why:

1. In 1999, Destiny’s Child release the single, Bills, Bills, Bills, which contains the lyrics:

Can you pay my bills?
Can you pay my telephone bills?
Can you pay my automo’bills?
then maybe we can chill
I don’t think you do
so you and me are through

THE MESSAGE: Trying to empower women, Beyoncé and Co. tell girls that, despite years of single income families being the norm, it’s unacceptable to support the man you supposedly care for or love. Men can support women, but according to DC, women are not allowed to support men. That hardly seems fair, but okay B, men shall pay their own bills.

Let’s see what else Beyoncé has to say.

2. In 2000, Destiny’s child release the hit single for the Charlie’s Angels soundtrack, Independent Women, which contains these lyrics:

I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings

THE MESSAGE: Beyoncé reiterates the message to women: buy your own shit. You don’t need a man to pay your bills. I agree with that, but she specifically says she buys her own rings. So to sum up, Beyoncé does not need a man to buy her a ring because she’s an independent woman and will buy her own goddamn ring. Do not, I repeat, buy her a ring.

3. In 2008, Beyoncé releases the astronomical hit, Single Ladies, which has the chorus:

Cuz if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it

THE MESSAGE: WHAAAAAAAAAA!?! Beyoncé, perhaps the reason he didn’t “put a ring on it” is because you have been telling us this whole time you will buy your own ring. Maybe he was waiting for you to buy your own ring, give it to him, then demand he get down on one knee and beg you to marry him. He doesn’t know what to do, you confused the shit out of him. Don’t buy a ring, buy a ring. Make up your mind.

Women are confused, should young Barbara buy her own ring or demand one from her boyfriend, Todd?
Should Barb throw her hands up in independence or pressure Todd to get married?
This generation of women are locked in an internal battle of independence versus codependence. Look closely, steam is actually shooting out of their ears and Beyoncé is to blame for all of it. ALL OF IT. The issues in Egypt and Libya? Oh, you’d better believe that’s Beyoncé’s fault too.

TAKE HOME MESSAGE: Not everyone swims in gold plated infinity pools overflowing with Cristal like Beyoncé. Sometimes couples rely on each other for both emotional and financial support and it’s not always going to be a 50/50 split. People lose their jobs or get ill and need their partner to support them.

The reason divorce rates are so high? People pressuring other people into getting married before they are ready. The song, Single Ladies, will push divorce rates to new highs because women, following the advice of Beyoncé, will put too much pressure on their boyfriend to get married. In fact, since the release of that song, divorce rates have gone up fifty nizzle percent. FIFTY NIZZLE!

The people really reaping the benefits of Beyoncé’s music? Jewelers of course. Jewelers are always behind the red curtain, eating a messy sandwich and rubbing their greedy hands together.

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