1. Beavers use powerful front teeth to cut trees and other plants that they use both for building and for food. Call them bucktoothed and they’ll gnaw through your ankle in seconds. Blood. Spraying. Everywhere.
2. When startled or frightened, a swimming beaver will rapidly dive while forcefully slapping the water with its broad tail, audible over great distances above and below water. This serves as a warning to beavers in the area. It should be noted that the only thing that startles a beaver is seeing high resolution pictures of Sarah Jessica Parker.
3. Beavers are the second-largest rodent in the world (after the capybara), but are largest where it counts. That’s not always their tail you see beavers dragging behind them.
4. Beavers have webbed hind-feet which they use for swimming. What does your Mom use her webbed feet for?
5. Beavers four incisors are composed of hard orange enamel on the front and a softer dentin on the back. The chisel-like ends of incisors are maintained by their self-sharpening wear pattern. That’s right, beavers have teeth sharper than a set of Ginsu 2000s. Perfectly capable of chewing through your neck so they can add your ugly head to their dam.
6. Beavers are herbivores, and prefer the wood of quaking aspen, cottonwood, willow, alder, birch, maple and cherry trees. As impossible as it may seem, these tree noshing animals consume almost as much wood as your Mom.
7. Beavers are monogamous. Unless your Mama stumbles drunkenly to the dam, flaunting her sexy webbed feet.
8. Eskimo’s make medicine from dried beaver testicles to relieve pain. Beavers use their own testicles to teabag your Mama. Sexual healing.
9. The origin of the saying, “busy as a beaver”does, in fact, come from beavers getting busy…wit yo mama.
10. Beavers can be found on the Canadian nickel, but more commonly, can be found on your Mother.
11. When beavers aren’t getting busy with your Mom they’re putting their super sharp teeth to work. Be careful, because these big toothed, big tailed mofos are DEADLY!