Oh the complaints and moaning I hear from my fellow males when Valentine’s Day rolls around. Here are the top 5 male related Valentine’s comments, and my responses to them.
1. Valentine’s Day is stupid.
Truth: Maybe it is and maybe it’s not, but it doesn’t have to be. If all you do on Valentine’s Day is bitch to your better half about just how stupid Valentine’s Day is, you’re sending the message that you’re okay with disappointing her and ruining her day. For your sake, why don’t we just rename Valentine’s Day to Figuratively Slap Your Girlfriend in the Face Day?
FACT: Women do not like to be literally or figuratively slapped in the face. While I recommend avoiding both, the former holds much steeper consequences than the latter.
2. Valentine’s Day is a huge hassle and a major pain in the ass.
Truth: Yes, it can be. Flower shops have jacked up their prices, restaurants are at capacity, and most men cannot stand writing mushy cards. Suck it up, it’s one day a year, buy some flowers, write the card (because you want your lady to be happy), and if you forgot to make reservations, cook a nice dinner for her or with her. If you can’t do that much, I’m sure there are more than a few single guys who would love to treat your lady right.
FACT: Even if your girlfriend or wife looks like a Hobbit, there is still at least one dude willing to take your spot.
3. Valentine’s Day is just a holiday conceived by the greeting card companies to increase profits and leech money from the pockets of hard working men.
Truth: Actually, according to the great Wikipedia, Valentine’s Day was established by Pope Gelasius I in 496 AD, who decided to change an old fertility celebration, which was held on February 15th, into a Christian feast in honour of St. Valentine, a third century Roman Martyr. He also changed the date of the celebration to February 14th. After the Roman Emperor, Claudius II, put a ban on marriage, Valentine did not agree with the ban and married couples in secret. Claudius found out about these secret marriages and imprisoned Valentine. While in prison Valentine became great friends with his jailor’s blind daughter and it is said that just before his execution he wrote a farewell message to her and signed it “From your Valentine”. I don’t think Hallmark had a hand in creating this one, but I don’t doubt they had a hand in exploiting it, especially after it was deleted from the Roman calendar of saints in 1969. Exploiting holidays is not a new thing (see Christmas, Easter, Halloween, etc), so stop bitching about it.
FACT: You didn’t read any of that! Also, the jailer’s blind daughter was haaaaaaaaaaawt.
4. Valentine’s Day is too expensive.
Truth: It doesn’t have to be. Gifts are not required on V-Day. Gifts are required on anniversaries, birthdays, and Christmas, but V-day is more about showing the old ball and chain you give a rat’s ass and that, for at least one day a year, you can still be romantic. If you want to save some cash, a single rose, a nice card, and a home cooked meal can go a long way. If you want to go even cheaper make her a mixed tape. Include some Phil Collins. Maybe some Rick Astley on there.
FACT: Warming up a Jamaican Patty is not considered cooking and roses are not like donuts, you do not have to buy them by the dozen.
5. My girlfriend/wife doesn’t care about Valentine’s Day.
Truth: She might not care, and she might just be saying she doesn’t care. Either way, do something nice. It’s almost impossible for girls not to hear about how all her friends’ boyfriends and husbands are more romantic than Wayne Newton. You, on the other hand, nuke her a Pizza Pop and give her a wicked good (and steaming hot) dutch oven.
FACT: Being a good Valentine will get you laid. Being a great Valentine might get you mouth laid.
6. My girlfriend or wife doesn’t deserve flowers or a card.
Truth: You may hate her guts, and that’s probably a good sign to get some counseling or break it off.
FACT: Do not break up with your girlfriend on Valentine’s Day or you there’s a chance you will be part of the Valentine’s Day Massacre.
Please share this link so your boyfriend or husband has a fighting chance to save Valentine’s Day.