How to Sell Your Grandma

Has your Grandma been collecting dust for too long? Cooking not up to par anymore? Is the $5 she gives you on your birthday not worth the time and effort involved with tolerating her worsening senility? Does she smell like moth balls?

If you answered yes to those questions, cheer up! It’s time to sell your Granny!

Here are the 3 crucial steps to selling your shriveled up Grandmammy:

Step 1. Find a picture of your Grandma doing something Grandmotherly: knitting, cooking, giving an uncoordinated high five, sucking on licorice flavored candies, or pinching the shit out of your cheeks. People absolutely love that stuff.

WARNING: To make sure you don’t turn off perspective buyers, do not post a picture of Grandma…punching a hole through the wall, driving into a park bench, crapping her pants, falling asleep with her face in a bowl of goulash, sucking off Grandpa in 1992, crapping your pants, dying.

FACT: Granny is so old she doesn’t even know she’s being sold!

Step 2. Write a blurb talking about how great Grandma is. Be sure to discuss her pros and not her cons. You want to get rid of her ASAP and lying is the best way to do it! Talk about how she loves to spoil her Grandkids through gifts, cooking, and knitting nice warm socks.

WARNING: Do not discuss how…she swears at the ficus in the living room,  calls everyone Carl, farts silently, smacks strangers in the face, farts audibly, talks graphically about how she invented and mastered the blowjob.

FACT: Your Babushka will sell you if you don’t sell her first! Heck, she’s been sending out Morse code advertisements for years.

Step 3: Post an ad on Craigslist, Ebay AND Kjiji. Using your picture and blurb post an ad on various websites. The more postings you do, the better. You need to get rid of the ol’ Prune and fast. Make sure in your ad you specify there’s no returns, refunds, or store credit. She is sold as is.

The price for Granny can be determined using the below formula:

(100-her age)+(the amount of real teeth she has)+(Hours she’s awake during the day)-(frequency she soils her slacks)

So if Granny is 91, has 2 teeth left, is awake 3 hours of the day,  and needs to be changed 4 times a day she’s worth:

(100-87)+2+3-4=$10 bucks!

Fact: If Granmama is old and toothless enough, she might cost you money to get rid of!

You can’t be firm on the price you set. Take any offer you get for Granny! Granny could drop any second and when that happens her value decreases substantially.

FACT: You can’t spell “sold” without “old.”

Congrats! Granny has packed up her loose skin, false teeth, and jar of pickled eggs and is being shipped off to her new owners. The regret and shame you feel at first will fade. Don’t worry.

DISCLAIMER: Senior citizens are a valued part of our society and should never be disrespected or abused in any way. This posting, of course, is a joke and is okay because really old people can neither use the internet, nor do they know it exists.

  • This was absolutely brilliant. I love the formula to figure the value. Only problem is mine died before the internet. Can one apply this to one’s old annoying aunts?

    • I’m without Grandparents too, and not because I sold them either! I wouldn’t have sold them though, they were great people.

      But surely, there is some serious money to be made from old annoying aunts.

  • Your posts tend to be bizarre …. but I REALLY want to know what crazy/awesome series of thoughts led to thinking up this post idea.

    If it’s something as simple as an old lady standing beside an antique store then I’ll be disappointed, so you better throw a dragon in the story of where this came from!

    • Most of my bizarre ideas I have come to me in the half hour between my first morning alarm at 7am and second alarm at 7:30am. They pop into my head randomly. I suppose being half asleep gives me access to the random and bizarre parts of my brain that are normally only accessible in my dreams.

      I’m just kidding, a dragon tells me what to write.

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