How to Punch Someone in the Face

There must be someone you want to punch in the face. Look next to you, maybe it’s that guy. Man, I hate that guy, don’t you? If you want to punch that dude, or some other dude, here’s how to do it right.

First, make a fist. To do this, curl up your fingers as if you were trying to hold on to a tiny snake, or perhaps, your (or your partner’s) little penis. You might already know how to do this surprisingly well.  Then, place your thumb on the outside of your curled fingers as if to keep them from opening up. Your thumb will not be making contact with your foe’s face. You need that thumb unharmed so you can give me thumbs up the next time we pass each other on the street.

ADVICE: If having a tiny dink is what’s making you want to punch people in the face, perhaps you should respond to one of those emails in your Spam folder. You know the ones I’m talking about.

Second, pull that fist back like you’re pulling the string back on a bow and arrow. Don’t know how use a bow and arrow? Watch Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, then come back here.

Third, channel the power of 1000 warriors. Think of people throughout history who know how to throw powerful punches, like Ivan Drago maybe. Ken from Street Fighter has a good punch too.  It’s dragon powered.

Ivan Drago: killed Apollo Creed with a single punch

Fourth, find the target, which in this case, is some dude’s face. More specifically aim for the spot on the face you’d like to hurt the most. The nose is a good impact point because even if your punch is weak, you could probably make the dude’s nose bleed. That always looks really bad ass. If you think you might not be coordinated enough to hit your target without some help, using a red Sharpie, draw a bullseye on that dude you hate’s face.

WARNING!!! Hitting someone in the forehead could break your hand. Hitting someone in the mouth can be effective, but could also lead to your target eating your entire hand!

Five, hurl your hand at your foe. Hold nothing back.  Pretend it’s the bottom of the ninth, the bases are loaded, there’s a full count on the batter, and you, the pitcher, are throwing the fastest fastball you’ve ever thrown.

Six A, if you hit your target, he might be lying in a pile of his own blood and feces. Why is there a pile of feces? Guess that guy crapped his pants moments before you popped him in the schnoz. Celebrate,  you are a legend.

Six B, if you miss your target, repeat steps one through five.

WARNING!!! That dude could punch you in the face too.

EXPERT TIP: You probably have not one, but two hands, that’s potentially two fists!!! Use them both!

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