Subway Suicides Making Commuters Late for Work

Let me first make it clear that in no way do I promote suicide. There are almost always better options. Heck, if we could all live forever and ever in perfect harmony, dancing and singing our way through lives, that would be swell. The world would be vastly overpopulated, but we’d dance and sing our way through that too. Loot bags and high fives for everyone.

With that said, let’s say Joe Suicide decides life is no longer beer and wings and wants to take the big sleep. Is it really necessary to jump in front of a subway and delay my commute to work? It’s bad enough I was out of Nutella this morning, now I’m late for work too.

Look, I know there isn’t always signal trouble or a subway malfunction drawing out my ride on the sardine packed, too hot/too cold, B.O. infested subway car. Truth is, the delays are often due to the subway staff having to hose Joe Suicide’s limbs off the tracks and comfort the now scarred for life subway driver. Look what you did, Joe. That was not very nice. The sudoku only takes so long, what do I do after that?

Weren’t we in agreement there would be loot bags and high fives for everyone?

On top of making people late and scarring a subway operator, the on-site transit custodian needs to drag the pressure washer out of the closet (those things are heavy) and get to work, when he had just, only a second ago, got back to sleep with his favorite dog-eared Victoria’s Secrets catalog resting face down on his lap. He was on his way to a stress free, relaxing day before Joe Suicide decided to spread-eagle into the eastbound train.

Sure, with an unfortunate name like Joe Suicide, you can’t expect much different, but what ever happened to the toaster in the bathtub? It’s classic.  More importantly, it’s clean and in no way makes people, besides of course the dude in the bathtub, late for work.

Remember folks, loot bags and high fives for everyone. Then everyone, including Joe Suicide, can live long, happy, punctual lives.

Here are the Toronto numbers for subway suicide between 1998-2007.

Year Suicides Attempts Total
1998 12 13 25
1999 22 4 26
2000 21 12 33
2001 12 17 29
2002 16 11 27
2003 17 9 26
2004 15 8 23
2005 14 6 20
2006 8 11 19
2007 13 9 22
  • CranberryCocktail

    I agree. just because your life sucks, doesn’t mean you have to make everyone elses suck too.

    • Misery loves company. Even after misery is dead.

  • It’s just selfish. If you’re at that point anyway, you might as well go out attempting some kind of cool stunt that has little chance of success.

    • Lol, ya because if you do succeed in the stunt, you’ll have something to live for after all. Can we get these ideas made into official rules or what?

  • RockinRuhul

    be prepared for more “suicide” delays buddy! I would pack some extra sudoko games in your backpack!

    • I keep a Rubix Cube with me at all times now.

  • Wally_J

    How about the jerks that kill a bunch of people then kill themselves. How selfish is that? If they are going to do that, they should at least kill themselves first… then they can kill the other people. Sheesh!

    • I couldn’t agree more. Murder-Suicides would be a lot easier to handle if they were suicide-murders.

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  • Peter

    I couldn’t disagree more with most of these postings, and certainly not the above piece. I was on the train that, three cars into Sherbourne station, found itself resting on top of a HUMAN being. I found myself amongst the claustrophobic commuters, recognizing the stark transition from noisy bustle to awkward silence when the train came to an untimely stop. Yes, many were frightened, a couple, including the woman next to me, even began to find themselves getting annoyed. “Didn’t they think about the people they would be making late for work?” she asked, at no one in particular. And as I made my way to the second car from the front, moving shoulder to shoulder with other commuters like penguins, stepping from car to car, praying that when I looked down in between the cars I wouldn’t see the helpless soul reaching up for help. And as we exited the subway, passing the number of rescue workers who could be heard saying “She’s still alive” and “The rail is still live”, the gravity of the situation sunk in. As we all took in those breaths of fresh air as we left the station, I’m sure many of us were weighing the effects of this woman’s actions. Sure, many people were inconvenienced, but define inconvenience. For some, her suicide attempt represented selfishness, but to others, her actions were perhaps an eye opener -to the fragility of life, the banality of our problems compared to the dire need of hers. What’s unfortunate is that everything about suicide IS selfish, because of course, the end result is the end of someone’s life. The pain inflicted on THEMSELVES, the end of THEIR life, the end of THEIR sorrows. It is also so sad that these incidents are hardly reported in the media, in respect of the families. What can we do to help these people? Well, for starters, maybe all us commuters can make an effort to look around when we are waiting for the train, catch the eye of someone else, and smile. Maybe even start up a conversation. “Hey, how are you?” “Oh no? Why? What’s the matter? Can I help? I hope you feel better tomorrow! Have a nice day! Nice talking to you!” Even a head nod. But instead of getting mad at these people, let’s try and help others like them, and when we can’t, let’s try and think of how precious our own lives are.
    Just a thought. Thanks for reading. I won’t soon forget my experience this morning, but my teachers have certainly already forgiven me for being 40 minutes late for class.
    Condolences to the family.
    Peter

    • Sounds like an awful experience, Peter.

      This is a humor site and this article is being satirical. Obviously, a human life far outweighs punctuality and the inconveniencing of others. Although at the end of the post, in a silly way, I do recommend being friendly (high 5s), and giving to others (loot bags) as a means of minimizing the loss of human life through suicide.

      Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds horrific, and if you haven’t already, make sure you talk to a health professional. Debriefing after a traumatic event can be imperative to one’s mental health.

      All the best.

    • RockinRuhul

      Hi Peter,

      I’m very sorry to hear that you were one of many who was sadly in the train that hit the “jumper”. It does sound very traumatic and thanks for sharing your story in such depth. It is very sad that these kind of stories are not reported in the media, most stories are very much filtered and it is unfortunate that we humans live in this bubble and are not truly aware of what is actually going on. Last year around this time, I saw a girl about my age get hit by a car getting off a streetcar ( I was right behind her). Even though this was not a suicidal case, it was still very traumatic and found myself horrified and traumatized by what I saw. I agree with C.Camel, please see a health professional, some people might take the event very lightly, but depending on the person, you can develop PTSD and in my case, Acute Stress Disorder. The thought of being one of the passengers on that train just gave me the shivers.

      Kindest regards,

      A concerned Torontonian

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