Growing up, our parents teach us to never trust or talk to strangers, especially those offering toys or candy, and yet, our hypocritical parents let St. Nick into our house with both toys and candy. You might say, “So what? No harm, no foul. Who doesn’t like Santa?”
You shouldn’t like Santa, and here are 10 reasons why:
#1. Santa judges each and every one of us by keeping a naughty and nice list. Didn’t the Bible tell us, “Judge not, lest ye be judged” (Matthew 7:1-5)? You know who said that? Jesus. You know whose birthday we’re celebrating on Christmas? Jesus’s. So Mr. Claus, your judgment day has arrived.
#2. Santa knows when your children are sleeping or when they’re awake. How could he know that without advanced surveillance equipment and a large team of pedophile spies? Elves don’t make toys, they buy them at Toys ‘R’ Us and spend the rest of their time perving on your kids. That’s disgusting. I don’t remember hiring that Jolly Ol’ Perv to watch over my hypothetical children 24/7. If you think this is harmless, consider the first line of the song Santa Claus is Coming to Town: “YOU BETTER WATCH OUT.”
#3. Santa Claus is a poor role model. Eating too much of the wrong foods is the #1 cause of obesity in America. Do you know how many cookies Santa consumes on December 25th? It’s disgusting. Kids see this and think, if Santa can eat a shitload of cookies and be immortal, so can I.
#4. Santa Claus teaches your children to repress their feelings. Sure, little Jimmy’s therapist says Mom and Dad are to blame for his acting out in school, but the truth is, Santa told little Jimmy that he’d better not cry and he’d better not pout and because of those instructions, little Jimmy has been repressing his feelings for years. Now, it’s boiling over and little Jimmy just bit off a classmate’s pinky finger.
#5. Santa Claus is coming to town…to sleep with your Mom. Remember that time you saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus? Well, be thankful that’s all you saw. Once you went back to sleep, Santa threw on the Kenny G Christmas album and he went to town again, this time on your Mom. Home wrecker.
#6. Santa is drugging your children. You think it’s normal for kids to have visions of dancing sugar plums? Most kids don’t even know what a sugar plum is. Santa isn’t only watching your children every night, on Christmas Eve he’s drugging them with hallucinogens, no doubt made by the elves in the North Pole’s drug lab.
#7. Santa is an alcoholic. His cheeks aren’t rosy because he’s full of cheer, it’s because he’s full of malt liquor. Old English anyone?
#8 Santa is the devil. Think about it, Santa is an anagram for Satan. It’s no coincidence.
#9 The lap thing. For some reason, it is a rule that little Billy must sit on Santa’s lap when he tells the creepy old bastard what he wants for Christmas. How do we consider this normal and why is it necessary? Would little Billy go to McDonald’s and sit on the pimply-faced cashier’s lap while he asked for a supersized Big Mac combo and an delicious orange drink?
#10. That isn’t Christmas spirit Santa is spreading, it’s chlamydia.