ATLANTA – In a press release issued last Thursday, Centers for Disease Control (CDC) Director Thomas R. Frieden announced the CDC would be renaming each Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD) in their latest attempt to raise youth awareness.
“Syphilis, chlamydia, and gonorrhea are hard enough to say, let alone know what they are. And crabs? Well, our little friend under the sea probably isn’t too happy about that one, right? It’s clearly time for a change,” said Frieden, while squeezing some kind of lotion on his hand and then placing his hand down the front of his trousers.
The renaming campaign will focus on changing the names of STDs to names recognizable to the general public. More specifically, celebrities. One hurdle the CDC faced was avoiding defamation lawsuits by finding celebrities willing to attach their name with something so stigmatized as STDs.
“Luckily,” said a CDC spokesperson, “once we offered some monetary compensation we had celebrities lining up. How much money did we offer? Not a whole helluva lot to tell you the truth.”
The CDC made some tough decisions, but feels the celebrities they picked will bring much needed attention to STD prevention in the youth population.
The highlight of the day was clearly gonorrhea being renamed Snooki.
“It’s the best one,” Snooki slurred, her left breast hanging out, “because it has a cool nickname: the clap. It’s just like that band who sang Rock the Casbah!” This reporter didn’t have the heart to correct her.
“Lindsay Lohan fought tooth and nail to get syphilis,” said Frieden. “We just couldn’t say no.”
Frieden denied accusation that sexual favors were involved in landing Lohan the disease, but then winked and gave me the thumbs up. Ms. Lohan, lying unconscious and half naked in a heap under a table, and smelling quite a bit like asshole, was unavailable for comment.
Crabs and chlamydia remain up for grabs, with rumored male front runners including the likes of Charlie Sheen, Kid Rock, and surprisingly, Morgan Freeman.
“Because it’s a no brainer,” insisted Frieden, scratching at his genitals. “Sexually Transmitted Diseases will be replaced by Courtney Love.”